You might have noticed that most of my last few posts have been about food. Starting this month I'll be writing about my relationship to the kitchen as a queer femme. I plan to include some recipes as well as vignettes from my struggle to achieve a healthful lifestyle and diet. Living an unhealthy lifestyle really makes me feel unfemmeinine... un- a lot of things and I want to change that by "going public" with my intentions. I'm very thankful for the feedback that readers have provided in the past, and I look forward to sharing this journey toward wellness with all of you!

Like many people, I have had an ambivalent relationship with food for most of my life. My mother is diabetic and a couple of years ago my pancreas finally pooped out on me and I developed type 2 diabetes as well. That *should* have been the beginning of a revolution in my health (really, it should have happened when I found out that I was pre-diabetic many years ago) but I did not really focus on my wellness until this year. First, in March I began getting treatment for depression and mental illness, about which I had been in denial for at least a year. At the same time, I also began tracking my blood glucose levels with more diligence and paying attention to the kind of food I was eating. More recently, I've begun working out with a friend once or twice a week, and using sparkpeople.com to track my food intake, blood sugar and exercise. Finally, things are starting to come together!

Today I'm going to share with you my shiny new breakfast routine! It includes oats and a morning smoothie that is full of nutrients and (I think) tastes amazingly delicious! One thing I've learned since tracking my food intake is that I actually do no eat enough to keep my body strong and healthy. How weird is that? Usually when I do get enough calories, they're the wrong kind. In order to resolve this problem, I gave breakfast a big makeover. Prior to this makeover, breakfast included nothing, a granola bar, or a bowl of cheerios. That kind of breakfast can really put someone off to a bad start! Now, I have a very small bowl of quick oats and at least two big servings of fruits and veggies!

Oats for Wellness
Ingredients:
1/4 to 1/2 cup of dry quick oats
boiling water
1/4t to 1t unsweetened cocoa powder
1-2 T raisins or other dried fruit
spices to taste (I use ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon and clove)
1-2 T peanut butter or other nut butter

Directions: Boil water in a pot or tea kettle. Scoop your oats into a heat-safe bowl and add the spices, cocoa and fruit. Add the boiling water just a little bit at a time until you have achieved the consistency you like. (Note: the directions on my quick oats say to add oats to water and cook for 1 minute. This makes my oats way too mushy. Cook the oats by your preferred method.) I add the peanut butter at the end, but when I'm not paying attention, I put it in before the water. Either way is fine. Serve hot.

This is so easy, especially when I wake up with a "fasting" blood sugar level! I know the cocoa sounds weird, but it actually provides some extra protein and nutrients. Same goes for the fruit. Peanut butter has lots of calories but they mostly come from good fats that your bodies needs to stay in tip top shape.

Whirled Berries
Ingredients:
1 banana, any size
3-5 blackberries (the seeds don't grind up and they're hard to chew. I use 3)
5-6 strawberries with leaves removed
1/4 c blueberries
1/4 c raspberries
Big handful of baby spinach leaves (trust me!)
1 Serving of protein powder (I use 2 T Bob's Red Mill Hemp Protein Powder)
1 t chia seeds (optional, I get them in bulk from the health food store)
No-sugar-added fruit juice, milk, or milk substitute to taste

Directions: No complicated instructions here! Add all ingredients to your blender and blend until smooth, adding some milk or juice to taste if needed, or if your blender is having a hard time blending frozen fruit. I use my bullet mini blender because it's way less to wash afterward!

This is the way I make my breakfast, but it is just one example of a nutrient-packed meal to give you a good foundation for your busy day. Switch up the ingredients! Try different kinds of fruits, or combine them in a different way. Add a low-calorie sweetener like Nu-Stevia, if you like, but I think the fruit alone gives it a great flavor. You can't taste the spinach, I promise!

Be well or pursue wellness, my lovelies!

Technorati Tags: blood glucose levels, exercise, fat, food, Oats, queer fat femmes, recipe, relationships, smoothie, spinach, strawberries, thoughts, type 2 diabetes

I've just sat down to write the rough draft of my term paper about becoming femme. The problem here, is that I'm not really sure how I became femme. I mean, I'm sure that there are a number of factors that contributed to a femme identity, but it didn't just hit me over the head one day. Right? It's a process starting from birth, continuing throughout one's Western (or otherwise) enculturation. I'm asked to write an autoethnography, where I study the effects of society upon me. So... what moments in my life created a favorable atmosphere for me to become femme? What moments in your life made you the way you are?

One of the most important things that I think actually lead to my femme gender was the fact that I grew up in conservative, interdenominational Christian churches. These organizations send a very clear message that sexuality is bad, unless it is between a man and a woman who are legally married to one another. I would venture to say that femme indicates a woman who freely expresses her sexuality. Also, within mainstream Christianity, women have very distinct roles from men's, and femme is not one of them. Even though there are heroines in the sacred text that display femme behavior, these figures hardly come up in teaches. You'll hear more about Mary, the virgin (asexual) mother of Jesus, than you'll hear about Queen Esther's predecessor as head wife, Vashti, who was banished for refusing to parade her naked body around at a party for the King's buddies. Is Mary any more holy or laudable than Vashti?

Growing up as a girl teenager in The (white, capitalist patriarchal, heteronormative) Church, you'll find yourself constantly reminded that your body is an instrument of sin. If your clothes are too revealing, if your pants don't meet your shirt at your midriff, if your makeup is too flashy, you could be labelled a harlot, regardless of your good or bad intentions. As a female, it is your responsibility to protect all men from your body (isn't this why women are blamed for rape?) by dressing appropriately, and not acting sexually. They've tried a number of ways to convince me that it is only out of common courtesy that we help our "brothers" to keep from sinning over our lewd, luscious, lascivious, lovely bodies but I am so far not convinced that it is my fault or responsibility. Part of my femme identity is a rebellion from this notion that I'm at fault when men have inappropriate sexual fantasies about me, or any other woman. It is absolutely inexcusable to promote this kind of hateful, oppressive belief. hmph!

Needless to say, I tried my best to suppress my femininity, and hide my curves from about age 12 to 22. But what the Church didn't understand was that my plain, unfeminine (un-anything, really) appearance did not save me from the immature, sexually frustrated young men in my classes. In my junior year trigonometry class, the (old, white, heterosexist, patriarchal, etc.) instructor refused to move the student who would sit in front of me every day. The young man tried to talk to me all the time, distracted me from the lesson, disrupted the class, and said lewd things to and about me. This went on for most of the entire fall semester. I think I blocked it out of my mind, because it did not cross my thoughts for a long time afterward. This happened just after I left the art school that was "making" me gay, I was at a new school across town, trying to figure out how to pass as a heterosexual woman. I had all that baggage, and here comes along this 17 year old boy to make it painfully clear that straight or gay, appearing sexual or not, I was always going to be subject to the scrutiny of men.

But I became femme before I really even knew what it was. Maybe the moment that it was really solidified was last summer, sitting alone upstairs in my borrowed bedroom (I was sharing a room with a friend who was traveling abroad) surfing YouTube and I ran across the 1971 segment of "If These Walls Could Talk 2" where Amy and Linda meet by chance at a butch-femme dive bar. Hah! I think I realized I was very much a sub/bottom when I saw their sex scene. That cocky smirk simply did me in.

Maybe it was the proliferation of butch voices in my life when I came home from the missions organization where I used to live. My very good friend Kay, and several of her friends are masculine identified females. I knew that I was somehow different from them, and I delighted in the way that we exchanged support be performing our butch and femme roles for each other. She always called me a femme, and I resisted the notion because I thought it meant being picky, prissy, whiny, and not at all resourceful or able. But somewhere down the line I realized that femme was powerful... and I just fell into the role. I delighted in playing my part because it didn't feel like an act. When I came out (when I came back from the missions field) I remembered that femininity is not just for men. It is also for women and for myself.

So. What events in your lives lead you to a femme identity? Or a butch one? Or any other gender?

Technorati Tags: butch, femme, femme identity, gender, identity, religion, thoughts

If you know me for long enough you're sure to learn that I was a Girl Scout. Not just any kind of Girl Scout, though, I was a Gold Award-winning super-scout that spent years as a camp counselor, too. I carry with me a satchel of skills learned in my youth. I routinely impress people in all kinds of situations with my knot tying and ability to light a one-match fire.

Part of that satchel is, unfortunately, some leftover baggage from having been a fat kid. I have been fat as long as I can remember, there was never a moment where I "got" fat. Currently I am about a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. I only wish I had been able to shed some of that fat shame early and treasured a lot more of the experiences I had as a teen, instead of dreading doing anything with my body and other people.

In scouts we would go camping about 6-8 times per year and usually hiking would be involved. I hated it because no matter what I would end up huffing and puffing at the back of the pack, more concerned with how I was holding people back and the physical toll it took than enjoying the scenery. As soon as I was a grown up and able to make decisions about recreation, I chose not to hike even when camping.

During my recent trip to California, my friend Anna* and I decided to go to Yosemite National Park for an overnight. We discovered once we got there that other than a couple of short nature walks, the real experience was in taking a hike up a mountain. I was prepared for this with a decent pair of sneakers (I no longer own hiking boots) and the resolution that I was going to go up this mountain on my terms.

I offer the disclaimer here that I am not suggesting anyone embark on any physical exertion without talking to their doctor first and making sure they have the proper equipment for whatever they are doing.

I made sure I had water, a bandanna, my ID, a small first aid kit and that I was comfortable. I know in scouts I would have gotten a lot of flack for hiking in a cute shirt and a skirt (it's actually a skooter from Torrid, but it sure looks like a skirt!) and a full face of make-up, but I think it's important to challenge yourself in reasonable ways. One thing I've learned from camping out at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival is that one need not sacrifice style for the wilderness. Plus, my make-up is mineral make-up so it's sort of like wearing a bit of the mountain already.

I also told my companion, Anna, a fattie on the inside and a good fat ally, that she was at liberty to go on ahead of me if she wanted to, that I was going to be hiking at my comfort level. I wouldn't have offered that if we were on an isolated trail, but the Vernal Falls trail even in October was bustling. She knew better than to try to egg me on with "you can do it's!" and other typically well-meaning-but-it-sure-sounds-patronizing-just-ignore-me-already stuff fatties hear when we exercise.

On this hike I listened to my body. It is a really steep trail, and I went pretty slowly. I made sure my breathing was never labored and I felt like I was going at a rate that felt like a good challenge but was not too much. I also made sure I enjoyed the surroundings of the gorgeous trail--looking at the trees, smelling the amazing mountain air , admiring the incredible waterfall and spotting wildlife. In contrast to hiking as a youth, where I just couldn't wait to get it over with, I really invested in enjoying the experience.

Since I saw so many people on the trail I knew I was the fattest person on that trail. But I sort of knew that people were looking at me more because of my cupcake backpack than the fact that I'm a fattie. And who cares what other people think, as long as I'm enjoying myself and feeling really grateful to be a New Yorker on a mountain in one of the most gorgeous places on earth?

I made it about an hour and a half up that mountain and decided I'd had enough. The trail had turned into steps, I was pretty close to the top but the steps were granite, covered in silt and were slippery. I didn't want to fall down on my way back. So I told Anna (who kept hiking ahead of me and then waiting for me) to go as far as she wanted to and find me on the way back down.

On our way back to the Valley floor (she caught up with me) we saw a youth group hiking up. The kids were scattered across about a half mile of the trail, and sure enough the fatties were towards the back. I smiled broadly at them. I wish there was a way to make it so the speed of the kids on this group outing on the mountain was value-neutral. That it was more about the experience of being on the mountain and loving the scenery and not about the huffing and puffing to keep up. I wish there was a way for these kinds of growing up activities to not be a competition.

I was rewarded up at the top of my hike with a rainbow in that waterfall. I'm a homo, these things matter to me.

As an adult, I know I excel in a lot of areas, some of them physical, but "walking up hills for fun" is not my forte. But listening to my body and doing something I really enjoyed was the way I was able to reclaim something unpleasant from my youth on my own, new (and far more stylish) terms.

Knot tying though, knot tying I continue to enjoy...

*Anna is the Technical Editor for my podcast, FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, and is single. We have a new minisode out, a road trip edition!

Technorati Tags: camping, exercise, fat, fatshion, femme, femme clothing, femmecast, gender presentation, high femme, hiking, natural, nyc, outdoors, real lesbians, thoughts

NOLOSE is an organization for fat and lesbian/bisexual/queer women and transpeople dedicated to ending oppression against people for their size. While NOLOSE is more than just a conference, the main activity for the organization is the (not quite annual) conference.

It's hard to describe exactly what happens at the conference. I've been attending since 2004--when my drag troupe was tapped to perform an act as their evening entertainment. I didn't know what to expect from the gathering, but what I found was a fun and vibrant community of fat people (and allies!) of all sizes, shapes, colors, genders, ages and abilities working within themselves and in the larger culture to end fat oppression. Each year has been different, but what I was most tapped into was the fun aspect of it. I've made some of my closest friends while being very wacky and carefree at a NOLOSE gathering.

This year was a less fun for me than in years past--I can't quite put my finger on what it was--but as I go through my laundry list of what I got out of this year's conference, I want to highlight that even at my grumpiest I still got a transformative weekend of magical moments that I am very thankful for.

My highlights, in numerical order:

1. Fatties in the Media workshop. Oh, sure, I ran the workshop so it was already primed to be my favorite. But what can I say, community building, fat activism and making media are my passions and bringing them together was very important to me. I started the workshop by asking the participants (over 40 of them, which surprised me for a Sunday slot) what they would like to see on television in Fatopia--a society where weight is value-neutral, we've moved beyond the gender binary and anti-racism is the norm.

The group was very enthusiastic. We talked about the "F-Word", a show with fat queers, butches who look like, you know, butches. We talked about kids programming where there was more than one token fat kid and if he's a superhero his super power has nothing to do with his fatness. (Though, personally, I would totally want my superhero costume to involve cupcakes.) We talked about having real relationship structures featured, including functional polyamory and safe, sane and consensual BDSM . And instead of typical commercials we would include community events and concerned citizen announcements about paying attention to what your kids are doing. And that we would only have 5 hours of programming a day so that people would, you know, read a book.

I asked several of the conference attendees to come to my workshop to discuss what they were doing and how they were doing it, as a sort of idea and skill share. Allyson Mitchell talked about making movies on super 8 and doing community classes and film screenings. LukasBlakk talked about digital media, distribution and vlogging . Mr. Kate talked about making and distributing Zines, old school style. Chelsey from the Fat Femme Mafia talked about fat activist initiatives using video and I got the Fat and Queer movie girls to discuss their idea and their process. And I talked about FemmeCast pretty briefly.

The workshop left me feeling very invigorated about making the kind of media I want to see (and the people in the workshop want to see)!

2. Meeting Lukas Blakk and Allyson Mitchell. I've met Allyson before but not in the context of knowing the art and media she was doing. Allyson curated a fattie short film series. A lot of the videos I hadn't seen, so it was cool to get to be exposed to them. Even though some of the digital videos had some technical difficulties, I wrote them down to come home to download. Her short "Foodie" was really remarkable. And Lukas had several videos I hadn't seen, including one with Tracy Tidgwell on stockpiling food and this hysterical video with some of the performers I know through drag called "Destiny's Neighbor". I really love campy, creative fat art and am really happy to have met people making this kind of stuff at NOLOSE.

At best, conferences are great networking opportunities and I want to surround myself with people making fat and queer media.

During the media workshop Lukas offered to start a "Fat Planet", which is basically a global RSS feed thing where it gloms onto the feeds of a whole bunch of NOLOSE related people's fat and queer blogs, writings, videos, podcasts and puts them into one feed. Lukas was way more eloquent than I can be about the subject, but I will definitely spread the word when it becomes available.

Also, Lukas and Allyson are Canadians and I have a crush on the city of Toronto and their fattivities. (Daddy K's Dance Acadamy? Fat Femme Mafia? Word.)

3. My bestie Genne, First Runner up in the Master of Dance competition. The Master of Dance competition was this year's answer to the "Fresh Bottom Revue". One thing NOLOSE has been great for is challenging people to use their bodies in new ways. The Fresh Bottom Revue was something Heather MacAllister was responsible for, a response to her professional Fat Bottom Revue, where people who hadn't performed burlesque before would attend a workshop and perform burlesque for the first time at the Saturday night entertainment for the conference.

This year, Tiny and Petunia held a dance off. There was a workshop for it and Genne attended. Having a family history of not dancing and a lot of anxiety around dancing, she decided that since it was the workshop that scared her the most she should go to it. I think that if everyone adopted that life philosophy people would be a lot happier.

Before she went up there I told her how proud I was of her for doing it. She really challenged herself, put herself on stage and danced like crazy. My favorite move she did was a "swim" with her whole body on the ground, literally swimming. I'm still not sure what the rules of the competition were, but ultimately the people who risked the most and were the most, for lack of better word, crazy and different, were rewarded. It was silly goodness.

4. Fatshion. There was a bit of controversy before this year's conference about the so-called "Fashion Olympics". This is the tendency for NOLOSE to involve a great deal of challenging fatshion . For me, since it is a conference and I have access to my clothes and the ability to change a lot, I will wear a variety of ridiculous outfits because I can. And I am not alone in this.

Some people were expressing discomfort at not being able to be on their "A Game" for fashion at this year's conference and there was a huge debate about it on livejournal. This debate sparked a workshop about Fashion at NOLOSE . I took great offense to the term "Fashion Olympics" (there is no judge! the winners are anyone who dresses to make themselves feel good!), especially as a very flamboyant high femme. But I did recognize the inherent benefit to discussing and breaking down how the "Fashion Olympics" affects the community at NOLOSE and the ways in which it reconstructs social hierarchies.

NOLOSE is a special place in terms of body acceptance and fashion risk. There is no dress code. I took some fashion risks this year, which included not packing a lot of clothes. Lately I have been interested in trying a miniskirt/minidress look, which is hard for me as a fattie. Also, I don't do scarves very often, so I tried this look. I am pictured here with Glenn Marla, tranny superstar and my fashion cousin (down to the Fluevogs).

I also rocked a fuzzy pink robe, jingly reindeer slippers and pigtails during the fashion workshop. I never wear pigtails, but I thought it important to make the point, you can dress down while still dressing up. Plus they kept my freshly dyed hair out of the water when I went swimming earlier.

Anyway, the workshop was good (and co-facilitated by my BFF and fat femme fashion icon Zoe). We talked a lot about how to include people and work on exclusion and acceptance, the importance of giving compliments and creating a welcoming community (a NOLOSE buddy system was suggested) and the difference between fashion and style.

5. People. I am absolutely privileged to have a fat queer community in New York City (and beyond) that I keep up with on the regular. I feel very honored that being in a space with so many fat people isn't an unusual occurrence for me, but I do see the ways in which that is restorative and unusual for others. And seeing a lot of body diversity in one room is amazing for me, too. I just love getting to catch up with people I don't see very often. I can't possibly do a roll call, but I want to give extra giant love to my personal Cadbury Leather Egg, Mitchell Atticus . Having butches like Mitch around to just help out makes my party planning, rabble-rousing and community building much easier. He helped me plan a much-needed conference make out party. Since I was grumpy I didn't make out with anyone, but having FemmeCast sponsor a party where other people did and made some great connections made me feel good. As I said this weekend, "Even if I'm in a bad mood and not having a lot of fun, I want to make sure other people are having fun because that makes me feel good."

My friend Naima did a hipster impression that was absolutely right on during dinner, we had a Fat Femme stampede to a sundae bar, and I got to spend some snarkymarvelous time with fellow Femme's Guide Blogger, Hussy Red.

6. Genne's Fat Families Workshop. Her workshop, which was about an interview she did with her grandmother about 80 years in a fat body, had a lot of a ha moments for me about my family and our relationship to fat. I think as activists we talk a lot about our family as the root to our struggles about fat but not necessarily how to deal with them and what we can learn from them. I am planning an episode of the podcast about families and got a lot of great ideas from Genne's workshop.

And, most importantly, what I got out of this year was a lot of great ideas for what I want to be doing in terms of fat activist community building. I am at an interesting cross roads in terms of what I am going to focus on and I think I have further clarity. And clarity is in short supply for me these days!

Next up for me on the Femme's Guide, I will discuss weight loss goals in the fat activist movement.

P.S. Did you notice there's a minisode about the economy available at the FemmeCast website? It's true.

Technorati Tags: conferences, fashion, fat, fat media, fatshion, femmecast, lgbt, nolose, thoughts

Cross-posted from Essin-Em.com

Hussyred posted something last week (2 weeks ago?) about how we came into our Femme identities, and who/what has contributed to them. I've written slightly about this before, but here is my time to say my thank yous. Lady Brett Ashley did hers in the form of an acceptance speech. Mine will be similar, but with more explanation, and less pizazz. I'm not known for my pizazz.

Thank you to those who helped me discover and nurture my Femme identity:

*The person at Dinah Shore 2007. We were in my room, regaining energy after round 2 or 3 or 10 of sex, and they looked over at my make up and hot iron strewn across the vanity. "You are such a Femme."

"What? No, I'm not!" My concept of Femme was the same as hyper feminine, lipstick. I rejected the social construction of required femininity. "I don't usually wear heels, I don't even OWN foundation, I'm allergic to pink. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Femme is not all that. Femme is an attitude. You have a Femme attitude."

"I most certainly do not." Hands on my hips, I looked like a large feline, eyes flashing slightly dangerously.

"And there is that attitude right there. Femme isn't a bad thing. I *like* Femmes. They're fucking hot."

And then we fucked again. For another few hours. And the next day. On the plane ride home, I contemplated the concept of Femme. Someone more on the feminine end of the spectrum, but "doing" femininity in her own way. An attitude, not an outfit. And so my journey as a Femme began. Thank you for helping me open the door to my Femme-ness.

*Sinclair Sexsmith. Sinclair is brilliant. And hot. And it's not secret that Sinclair is at the top of my "Butches I'd like to fuck" list (yes, I have a list). And my "Bloggers I'd like to fuck" list. Hell - people I'd like to fuck in general. Anyways, reading Sugarbutch.net really really really helped me to process the identity and concept of Femme. There was so much to Femme, as much as any other identity. Sinclair made me look at my own identity, and helped me to "create" MY version of Femme. I may not wear stilettos (hello 3 knee surgeries), I may loathe pink, and I've certainly never had a manicure in my life. However, when I get all put together, eye some hot Butch at the club, and use a snarky line, I always think of the amazing amount of influence and guidance Sinclair has provided. Thank you to Sinclair for helping me discover so much of all of my identities.

*J. My ex, J. J really brought out the Femme in me sometimes. He'd show up in a button down and a tie, and I wanted to look so hot that he'd not be able to stand it. I wanted to be so hot that he'd fuck me before dinner, after dinner, and at times, during dinner. I would do my hair instead of leaving it curly and down. I'd put on make up, and pick out a sexy outfit. And then he'd call, saying he was outside, and I'd stand framed in the doorway, watching him look me over, and damn it, I'd feel so bloody hot. One time, I had on a 50's style strapless dress, and black thigh highs. We'd just gotten back into my apartment, and he went down on me, under my dress, while I was trying to stand up and keep my balance, rolling my stockings down slightly. The fact that I could look so attractive, and be so sassy that someone would want to have me right then and there? That's part of my Femme attitude (Femmitude?). I'd let him open my car door (something I'd NEVER let anyone do before), I'd let him wait for me to sit...I began to re-examine my idea of chivalry in a new context. So a big thank you to J on that.

*K. We really didn't talk that much about my idea of being a Femme...we had other things to cover. One day, we were moving through a big crowd of people, and he just grabbed my hand and led me through. It was incredibly hot...yet something I couldn't imagine having found attractive a year or two ago. Not a Femme thing per se...although it influenced me somehow. But I remember one day, I was at his place, and he told me he'd walk me out. I looked at him oddly; it didn't seem like the time of thing he'd do, and I commented on it. He told me that I just seemed to bring it out in him. I hugged him goodbye, and as I drove home, I thought about it. In the year that I'd been playing with the idea of being a Femme, I'd gone from hating people holding doors, opening doors, lending me their jackets, leading me through crowds to feeling empowered and getting turned on by it. When I met people I was attracted to, my femmitude totally came through...I would wait for a door to be opened, letting them go first. When I shook hands, I would catch their gaze, and then drop my eyes first, essentially asking them to make a move. I LIKED that I brought that out in him. Thank you to K for indirectly validating my identity, and making me feel like I "worked" properly.

*The Femmes in a variety of porn (Pink and White, Fatale, San Francisco Lesbians 1-12, Working Girlz). These women really cemented the idea to me that Femme DOES NOT EQUAL weak. To me, feminine sometimes does, but Femme certainly does not. I am a fierce Femme, a feisty Femme. I have snarky lines, I am learning to flirt, I'm almost at the point where I'm able to get people to pin me up against walls and then fuck the hell out of me. Femme does not mean being passive in bed. Femme does not mean being passive in general. To me, Femme can and often does equal power. Thank you to these hot power Femmes for showing me that.

*Other Sex Bloggers. There are so many. Miss Avarice. Scarlet Lotus. Dylan. Lady Brett Ashley. Sasha Sappho. Pretty much half of Sinclair's community list. Sinclair's friend Muse, who posts comments on Sinclair's blog, and whom I was lucky enough to meet in real life. The writers at the Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything (that is y'all!). Thank you to all of you for the comments, discussion, reassurance, new ideas, and so much more.

*Books. Books. Books. Erotica books. Academic books. Fiction books. Biographies. Memoirs. My shelves are covered with them. Thank you to all of the authors for showing me the giant spectrum of Femme, and letting me realize that there IS not definition for the label, and that I don't have to try and fit myself into some box.

I'm sure there are more influences, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Thank you to all these people and things, and to anything and everything else that has been part of the creation and realization of this identity. I appreciate you all.

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, feminine, femme, gender, identities, queer, real life, thank you, thoughts

Photo by Michael Barone

I remember in college, I would never have even considered letting a guy pay for my meal, or tickets to a movie, or anything. I went dutch all the time, on the few actual dates that I went on. The only exception I made is if it was for a gay friend, for a birthday dinner (we also wound up dancing the Tango in the middle of the restaurant, and there wasn't a dance floor, so it was really just a weird night).

I don't know where I got the idea that it wasn't ok. I don't think anyone ever sat down and said "when men pay for your dinner, they are expecting something. When they're chivalrous and gentlemanly, they're disrespecting you, and feel that you're weak." However, this was the principle I was operating under.

I went to a hippie school, and everyone on campus just held the door for one another. I think that's how it should be; I'd never think to stop and wait for someone to open the door for me, that just seemed (and seems) silly to me. Then I had this one boyfriend, who told me that when I held the door open for him, I was emasculating him. I didn't have that boyfriend for very long.

The only form of chivalry that I can remember being ok with was when this guy I was seeing offered me the inside of the bed, because it was 6 feet in the air, and I am terrified of heights. I don't know whether it was fear that let me accept this gesture, or whether I actually was ok with it, but that was it. I never let guys bring me drinks at parties; I didn't know if I was going to be dosed. Not that anyone ever offered to buy me a drink while we were out, but had they, I would have declined. I didn't need anyone; I was a strong woman, fuck if I needed to take anything from anyone.

I'd read things in friends' magazines about what it meant if a guy didn't hold a door open for you, didn't walk on the street side of the sidewalk, didn't wait until you sat down. All I could think was "what bimbo would expect that from her partner? I guess, I mean, if you LIKE being objectified..." It seemed like some odd throwback to the middle ages. It is just polite to hold the door open for whoever is behind you (or whoever is holding more and heavier items).

And then I came out. I struggled with the idea of chivalry in the queer community. I mean, clearly, it wasn't male chauvinism in this case, but I still didn't know how I felt about it. A lot of this was also a struggle with the Femme identity; could I be a Femme who didn't care about getting dirty, a Femme that like dancing in the rain even if it ruined my hair, a Femme who could check her oil without fearing about breaking a nail? If I went back to this concept of letting people hold doors for me, and pull my chair out, and such, was I just falling back into the patriarchy?

When I was at Dinah 07, and was having some hot sex, I finally felt that it was ok. I don't know what clicked, whether it was something that was said, or just that it was actually happening to me in reality, but this person was holding doors for me, keeping her (now his?) hand on the small of my back as he guided me through large crowds, introducing me (rather than the other way around), offering to hold my coat, etc. All these things I had been so against, and suddenly, I was not only letting someone do them without getting a lecture on equality, but I was enjoying it.

Part of it was because I felt respected. I've never minded when my female friends held the door, or let me get in the car first, etc, because I've never felt disrespected by them. In high school and college, my guy friends would never have dreamt of holding the door, or placing their hand on my back, or paying for me, so it was never even an issue, although I did feel respected by them. And here I was, feeling respect (and a lot of lust), and suddenly, it was ok.

As I read Sinclair's writing more and more, I understand that chivalry comes from different places in different people. Sinclair's place seems to be one of respect and caring; I'd let Sinclair hold the door for me, and maybe even pay for my drinks (note: hell, I'd let Sinclair fuck me, so maybe this isn't exactly the best example). However, the other night at the bar (Roller Girl Karaoke), a very drunk dyke decided to buy all the women drinks. And then came over, and started a conversation with me, and two other ladies. She was not coming from a place of respect. This could be told by her suddenly touching me without asking, talking down to me, and constantly referring back to having bought the drinks. My angry inner feminist raised her head, and wanted to lecture her on the objectification of women. I didn't; rather, I went up and sang Sweet Transvestite instead.

The same night, I was getting out of my car at the meter, while on the phone with a friend. As I began to open my door, I felt it being pulled from the outside. When I looked up, a middle age man was opening it for me. I went into fight (no option for flight mode), telling my friend that something was about to go down. Still on the phone, I cautiously got out as the man opened my door. "Little lady, you look like you need a little help. Let me get this for you." Excuse me? I look like I need help why? Because I'm in a handicapped space, or because my breasts are falling out of my dress? Once I stood up, he put his hand on my back, and he and his friends (oh yes, did I mention there was a group of 3 or 4 drunken middle aged men?) told me I looked very pretty, and asked me if I need them to walk me anywhere. Firstly, if I did need to be walked somewhere, it would be with someone I trusted, and to protect me from people like you, but ok. And secondly, get your hand off me. Did I tell you that you could touch me? Didn't think so. Kindly remove it before I poke you in the eye with Mr.Right, who just so happens to be chilling underneath my dress. My friend was concerned; "Em, you ok?" I told him I was fine, just dealing with some drunken old men. He got more concerned "Jesus, they just follow you, don't they. Just remember, if you punch them, I'm in a different state and can't bail you out of jail." I locked my car, shut the door, and started putting money in the meter, avoiding them completely. They finally wandered off.

I'm sure they thought they were being gentlemanly. I thought they were being annoying, patronizing assholes. Who is right? I don't know. Maybe if I'd been brought up in a different culture, I'd find it flattering. I didn't. I thought it was rude and creepy.

So I haven't changed completely. Holding doors for me doesn't really bother me, as I feel you should just hold the door; it's bloody polite. And sometimes chivalry still really bothers me; I feel it doesn't come from a place of respect, and I'm right back in college, mentally ranting against the misogyny. And still other times, I like it a lot. I never expect it, but from the right people, it makes me feel like more of a Femme, that I'm treated differently. These are people that I trust, and feel that we have mutual respect.

One day, I was leaving a friend's apartment (albeit with ice cubes down my bra). He is a hot, FTM, who I lusted after for a month or two, and did a hot piercing and semi-fisting scene in NYC.  I gave him a hug, and headed out the door to say goodbye. He told me he was going to walk me downstairs. Off the cuff, I said "well, aren't you quite the chivalrous gentleman." He told me that he wasn't always like that, that I brought it out in him. I responded something about clearly, I was a success as a Femme, and went on my merry way.

On my drive home, I was trying to figure out how I actually felt about him saying that. Had someone said that to me a few years ago, I would probably have been really upset, asked them what it was about me that seemed weak and helpless, and then done my best to remedy the situation. However, that isn't the case anymore. I don't think chivalry is this horrible thing in all cases. When my ex held the door for me, or this guy walked me down the stairs, or the person at Dinah confidently lead me through the crowd, I felt hot and powerful and respected and feminine and like a self-satisfied Femme. I'm usually a fan of "if feels right, and doesn't hurt anyone, it's fine." However, I still wonder, am I hurting people by subscribing to misogyny, as I enjoy having people be chivalrous towards me?

I'll probably never figure this one out, but at least I'm not in a "hate everyone and die phase." Hell, I even let my current object of affection pay for dinner on our first date

-Essin' Em

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