It's hard for me to talk about who my femme role models are and were, because I didn't really have any. The word Femme was foreign to me until my early 20s, and was uttered to me about me by a at-the-time-butch-identified-tiger-in-the-sack-who-is-now-a-handsome-guy.

So actually, none of my role models have been Femmes, at least not the ones who have made the biggest impact. They've actually been a variety of people on the trans-masucline end of the gender spectrum. They've included Sinclair Sexsmith, who was the person I turned to after the above incident, to get a better idea of what meant, who admired them, and more. Sinclair wrote about femmes, talked to me about femmes, and when I would be in the same area as Sinclair, my femme-ness came out even more in response.

Then there was J...my at-the-time-genderqueer-and-trans-identified-masculine-partner-who-has-now-re-come-out-as-a-femme. J was very masculine, and more over, J was a femme lover. I mean, some of it is the clothes, but I don't wear heels often, and at the time, I almost never wore lipstick. It didn't matter. Once, when I was wearing a 50's style dress, and walked into the room with some femme-i-tude, J's mouth just dropped, and I was stared at for a few seconds. Then, in a blink, J was under my skirt eating me out. That helped me to realize my femme power, and sometimes, as I like to call it, my femme wiles.

Meeting with and talking to other femmes has helped too. I get reinforcement that there is no "right' way to be femme. At the AEE/AVN show in Vegas last January, I sat at a table with a few other femmes; Dylan Ryan, Courtney Trouble, and some lovely ladies from Good For Her in Canada. We were all femmes (minus Jiz, who played out Genderqueer straight man if you will...it made sense in my head), but each of us had a very different interpretation of what "Femme" meant to us. I realized, yet again, that Femme is in the eye of the beholder. It's a very concious gender presentation, but it is not soley defined, and definitely not always defined by feminine.

Ivan Coyote had a spoken word piece on the net a few months ago...a thank you to Femmes. Hearing it, and watching it, I was brought to tears. I have been there. So much of what he said is me. It's reassuring my partner(s) that their gender is perfect, whatever it may be. It is figuring out sex with someone without pronouns, a cock or a cunt. It's freezing my ass off because god-damn-it this dress looks good and I want people to see it. It's buying lingerie that I may never wear in front of a partner, because *I* look good in it, and that matters to me. It's matching my sex toy collection to my wardrobe.

It is so many things, and most of these things I've discovered and embaced not from other femmes (although they've reinforced it), but from friends, partners, authors, and performers who love and admire femmes. And to all of you, I say thank you.

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butches, discovering, discovering femme, femme, finding my identity, finding role modles, identity, Ivan Coyote, Q, queer, role models, Sinclair Sexsmith, trans masucline, trans men, who am I

As I work out the learning curve on a new editing program for FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, I have started to produce some video podcasts. The first one is me (Bevin Branlandingham) and Taueret (Ferocity Correspondent) doing some activist stretches. Sometimes the holidays give you The Rage and you just gotta stretch it out.

(For some reason it's not letting me embed the video--so here is the link to youtube!)

I have more to come, one on a fun game called Intervention (not like the tv show), another from FemmeCamp in Austin, TX and another one from the Fat Studies Reader release event in Brooklyn.

Stay tuned for more at The Queer Fat Femme Blog Guide to Life.

Technorati Tags: art, Bevin Branlandingham, books, fat, femme, femmecast, Holiday, queer, video post

Cross-posted from my review site. It's super long, and there are lots and lots of screenshots (below the cut), apologies if it's too long for anyone, but hopefully it's at least easy to skim.

Hard Love & How to Fuck in High Heels is a two-for-the-price-of-one DVD from Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour by their production company S.I.R. Video Productions. It was the 2001 AVN Winner of Best All-Girl Feature and is a DVD I've been lusting after for almost that long.

I remember walking into the Babeland here in Seattle many many years ago and seeing a display of queer porn including this DVD and one of their other productions Sugar High Glitter City (review coming soon). Immediately I was drawn to it, a budding femme at the time, and I longed to buy it but I was broke at the time. It's been on my mind many times since that day so long ago, but I never got around to picking it up, until now.

I've only recently become aware of the many wonderful porn companies out there who are, as S.I.R. Video proudly proclaims, "100% dyke produced." My other two porn reviews are of similarly queer productions and I enjoyed them immensely.

Shar Rednour wrote the book on femme (quite literally in fact--she wrote The Femme's Guide to the Universe) so I knew these movies would be full of butch/femme goodness, and I was not disappointed. Both films were very much butch/femme based, and How to Fuck in High Heels shows us femme in a way that's unusual to see (but not unusual to happen): Shar Rednour is the ultimate femme top.

In both Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels all the dildos are made by Vixen Creations, and when we watched it Marla and I were trying to figure out which toy was which. Some of them look specially made in gorgeous marbled colors like pink and black, teal, brown, and black (which is gorgeous), and blue and white; others are solid colors like black and hot pink.

Also, gloves are used for digital penetration, dental dams are used for oral sex, and condoms are used for anal penetration, which is wonderful to see in any porn.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: babeland, butch, butch/femme, butches, dyke, femme, femmes, images, Movies, porn, queer, review, Reviews, sex

Oh Femme's Guide. I've been so delinquent posting. Mostly I started seeing less and less of you when I got it on with my own blog and then... well, you all know how the New Relationship Energy goes. You forget about the other blog for awhile. But I haven't forgotten about you, I'm still here, just not finding new content to post here. It's a dilemma, for sure. How do you make the old group blog feel special while still devoting your attention to your new primary?

However, I did just start a new blog feature which I am super excited about sharing. Yeah, yeah, this is totally like taking your old date on a double date with your new partner. It's true. But let's just be open and poly about it and I'm sure you'll like this. Agreed? HussyRed will totally back me up on this.

In the last few months, I have read and heard a lot of musings about Femme that begin with sentences like "There's an unspoken expectation that Femme means consumerism" and "Femme is more than how many labelwhore handbags you own" and on and on about how Femme is so much more than spending money.

I find statements like this troubling. Partially because I think when people make arguments against "unspoken" anything, they're making assumptions, usually out of insecurity. Assumptions and insecurity are the kryptonite of community building and connections. I also find it annoying because I think it's falling into the WASPy* notion that we can't or shouldn't talk about money.**

The part of being Femme that I've found to be the most rewarding are the DIY*** aspects of putting yourself together. I haven't known any other way to be Femme.

When I came into Femme, I came into it knowing lots of people who shared their resources. When I compliment someone on their make-up, for example, usually I get a response like "Thanks! It's MAC blah blah blah" or "It's wet n wild blah blah blah can you believe it?" Or if they didn't offer where they bought something, and I wanted to know, I'd just ask. I've never had anyone bristle at the question and it's been a great way to piece together my sense of style.

As fat girls, especially, since plus size clothes are so much harder to find than clothes under size 14, it's always been my fat femme sisters who told me where to find things, how to modify things to fit, how to wear things to make them flattering, and most importantly, how much stuff costs!

Femme cannot be bought. Period. But the process of putting together a style that makes you feel comfortable in your skin does sometimes take some scrapiness and bargain shopping. I love bargain shopping--I call it Femme Hunting. Half the time the process of getting together an outfit is fun in and of itself.

So it is in this spirit of opening dialogue about Femme Hunting that I present my new blog series: Girl You Look Expensive****. I'll find a fierce fat femme, interview her about her outfit and post it here. The idea is how you can look fierce and fashionable without spending a lot of money.

My top was free. Like, really, really free. It's a t-shirt that I got at a Divabetics event at ReDress and then altered. My skirt is from Torrid via ReDress and was, like, $9. My shoes are glitter peeptoe flats and were a whopping $5 on sale at Payless. My bangle and ring are cheapie H&M. My earrings were $12 and are the most expensive piece in this ensemble. I bought them from a fierce young Black womyn artist on 125th Street in Harlem.

There are folk who are constantly talking about how femmes are totally materialistic and into consumerism and how it's rare and special for a femme to have a budget, be eco-friendly, diy-fierce, or even poor. That idea is really classist, all on its own. It makes the assumption that all femmes have the resources and income and desire to spend small fortunes on their wardrobes. It makes the assumption that femmes who have fierce things spend a bunch to become that fierce. Untrue.

I am lucky that I live in New York City and have cheap and fashionable clothing resources available to me. As a femme of Color, I also have a shit ton of pressure imposed upon me to dress and carry myself in a certain way (clean and poised). I have the privilege to dress as funky as I want, have natural hair, and still be seen as human in the POC and queer communities. Julia Starkey's essay "Fatness and Uplift" is a great resource about the cultural standards imposed on Black womy/en, especially when we are fat. Read it.

I also refuse to judge other femme's priorities. Most of the Femmes With Money that I know are super humble and generous. And crafty and aware of their privilege.

I have a great balance of cheap and pricier items in my wardrobe. My friends and I don't brag about how much our fierce crap costs or about silly brands, that just isn't how our community works.

Places I love to shop because I'm young, fierce, fat, and poor:

ReDress NYC (Duh! Fierce fierce FIERCE)
AJ Wright (Great deals on handbags, shoes, and dresses!)
GirlProps (Cheap and cute accesories)
Etsy.com (Handmade goodies, totally worth $1 or $100)
H&M (I'm fat, but I swear by their jewelery and I know lots of plus size folk who can fit into their stuff)
Payless (But only during BOGO)
DSW (I love the purple sale tags....)

Taureret is starting a Radical Fatshion Zine. There's a group on FaceBook if you are interested in joining and donating your skills!

*Defined by urban dictionary here. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=waspy
**In this society, as women, as queers, as folks who don't have access to making a lot of money, it is really important that we get rid of the tendency not to talk about how we manage our money or how we make our money. A lot of us just don't have skills or weren't raised in households where we were taught how to do that, or know any other way but living paycheck to paycheck. Let's be real, a lot of us don't have the option of doing anything but living paycheck to paycheck, but even some of us who do have an abundance don't know how to manage it. When you have to get creative with money, that's when having an open dialogue with community members is really helpful--about bargains, work arounds, making do and mending.
***Do it Yourself.
****Named for Jenna Riot's AWESOME song of the same name. http://www.myspace.com/jennariotmusic

Technorati Tags: activism, Bevin Branlandingham, clothing, coming into femme, Craft, fashion, fat, fatshion, femme, femme clothing, femme identity, femme sharks, femmes, gender presentation, money, nyc, people of color, queer, queer fat femmes, real life, sewing, size, size acceptance, thrift, what femme is

Cross posted from Queer Fat Femme.

My Femme "aha" moments still happen, almost ten years after coming out as Femme. Just in the last 6 months I've discovered the lasting effects of revamping my lounge wear.

I'm a draglesque performer who has a huge stash of lingerie, but mostly really fancy stuff for stage use only.

Example of stage use lingerie from the Femme Mafia Masquerade in Atlanta. I like to have my Femmeceeing gigs to contain a "lingerie course" whenever possible.

I've never had a partner who cared for it. More than one long-term partner said to me "I prefer you naked", which broke my High Femme heart. All I ever wanted was to be that vixen who comes walking into the room wearing a surprise frilly something or other*. Of course, it was a nice sentiment and helped my fat girl ego to have lovers who loved my body without accouterments, but I am still a fan of frill and accessory. I'd like to think that my ideal mate would like me equally naked and in lingerie just as they liked me equally in and out of make-up.

Last summer I started discovering the magic of vintage lingerie and wearing it as outerwear. Once Deb started selling stuff for Re/Dress (before the brick and mortar store opened) I had a hook-up for vintage lingerie. Here's me last summer wearing a swiss dot nightie and a miniskirt.

I can't wait for the weather to be warmer so that I can start wearing that again on the regular.

My friend Molly used to tell me all the time when I complained about doing housework, that she did it while wearing lingerie. It always seemed so weird to me. First of all, I like to be supported when I am walking around, which generally meant a bra, and I had so long associated t-shirts with "comfy" that it didn't occur to me that anything else qualified.

Whenever I catch Molly randomly on skype, I am treated to lingerie. That's her enormous cat.

I decided to start challenging the notion that I had to save my lingerie for occasional and brief visits from suitors** and wear it around the house for my own benefit. Now, I'm not really talking about crotchless nothings or underwear that wiggles down as soon as you walk two steps, I'm taking cute camisoles with a little bit of support in them (Target $15.99), vintage lingerie, frilly robes and the like. I have to say, it's totally revolutionized how I feel at home.

The robes they made in the sixties look like they wouldn't make any difference, but they're totally warm because they don't breathe at all. Probably flame proof, too.

This is a "live from the Femme Slumber Party" picture of Rachael and me while I was on gaycation at her house for the Masquerade. That's her "Don't fuck with me" face.

Rachael's partner Steph, the Gay Dr. Phil and Purveyor of all Things Down Home Texas Wisdom told me I looked like her grandmother in the sixties. I took that as a compliment.

The best part, though, is that I feel totally glamorous and cute, even when I'm just sitting around in my house. Probably one of the greatest things I picked up at this year's fat girl flea market was this long grey dressing gown that has a plunging v-neck (killer, yet supported cleavage) and is floor length. It's also super soft. Leah told me it looked like I was going to receive royalty, not just make up my guest bed for her.

For a girl who loves dress up, dressing up in loungewear is really fun. Like putting on a full face of make-up and doing up my hair even when I'm in a foul mood, wearing fancy loungewear makes a huge difference for me.

If you're a t-shirt and sweats at home femme, more power to you. But if you love getting dressed up, don't wait for a partner to okay it for you. Do it for yourself.

*Though, to be fair, I do this on stage so it's not really that big of a deal. And it matters more to me that I do it as a political act than as an occasional treat for a paramour.
**I enjoy the feel of me in lingerie against a butch in a ribbed white undershirt better than pretty much anything.

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, burlesque, butches, fashion, fat, fatshion, feminine, femme, femme clothing, femme identity, gender presentation, makeup, queer, queer fat femmes, real life, sexy women, what femme is

Cross-posted on Femme Fagette here.

Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom. - from femmethology.com

This month of April marks something I've been waiting for quite some time: the Femmethology virtual blog tour! Today is lucky enough to be my day, and so I'm sharing some of my feelings and insights related to the Femmethology. Visit Daphne Gottlieb tomorrow for her day, and all the sites at the bottom of the post on their days.

First, a little about the Femmethology:
Visible: A Femmethology

Femmethology is essential—a roadmap of Femme Nation, an index, an anthropology, a manifesto, and a googleology. - Dorothy Allison

Visible: a Femmethology is a two-volume anthology of essays revolving around femme identity.

I've been discovering and embracing my multigendered identity lately, but in that multigendered identity there is a solidly femme identity as well, which these books helped me remember.

Not that I had forgotten my femme identity, I just had been focusing more consciously on my fagette identity than my femme because it was new and in a way easier to focus on because it's more visible (though only slightly). The identities in no way are opposites, they are complimentary, but they are also different. Reading through the Femmethology in a way re-connected me with my femme identity.

The biggest benefit of the Femmethology, in my opinion, is that it helps remind us that we are not alone as femmes. While some of us have many femme friends and a wonderful support system the rest of us do not and we have to navigate the world without much reassurance and reminders that there are so many of us out there feeling the same things. This is one of the reasons I started The Femme's Guide in the first place, to emphasize that there are many of us out there, and while we're all different we are also all the same.

I was moved many times throughout the two volumes. There were authors I knew well or moderately well, from various avenues such as Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, and Tara Hardy. There were many other authors that I didn't know anything about, but I was able to get to know something about them through their stories.

Many stories touched me to the core, rocked me, and left me dazed and contemplating my own stories and my own identities.

I feel that Visible: A Femmethology is not just a book or anthology meant to be read, though it certainly is that as well, it's also a look into each of these femme's lives and voices, an adventure into different types of femme-ininity and different experiences that all somehow are similar because of this identity we all embrace and inhabit. It shows the vastness of femme while also showing what unites us.

It screamed "you are not alone" to me right when I needed it.

From the Introduction to the anthology: "Femme means I won’t compromise on complexity. ... Above all, my femme is not your femme, which is the good news. ... Femme means my sexuality, my partner choices, my definitions and my gender presentation might not match your labels."

You can order Volume 1 and Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.

You can also hear Sinclair Sexsmith reading his Love Letter to Femmes!

Check out the blogs below on the associated dates to learn more about the Femmethology volumes:
4/1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
4/2. Ellie Lumpesse
4/3. Queer-o-mat
4/4. CyDy Blog
4/6. Catalina Loves
4/7. cross-post: The Femme’s Guide and Femme Fagette
4/8. Daphne Gottlieb
4/9. Bilerico Project
4/10. Screaming Lemur: Femme-inism and Other Things
4/13. The Femme Hinterland
4/14. Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing and The Vagina Adventures
4/15. Dorothy Surrenders
4/16. Miss Avarice Speaks Her Mind
4/17. The Femme Show
4/19. Sexuality Happens
4/20. Queer Fat Femme
4/21. Sublimefemme Unbound
4/22. Tina-cious.com and Jess I Am (butch-femme couple day!)
4/23. FemmeIsMyGender
4/24. The Lesbian Lifestyle
4/25. Femme Fluff
4/26. Weldable Cookies
4/27. The Verbosery
4/28. A Consuming Desire and Creative Xicana
4/29. Queercents
4/30. en|Gender

Technorati Tags: anthology, art, body, book, books, butch, CommUNITY, definitions, fagette, femme, femme identity, femmes, gender, gender presentation, identities, labels, lgbt, multigendered, queer, sexuality, Sinclair Sexsmith

I posted this guest post on my blog, Queer Fat Femme, and thought it was super useful for a cross post to the Femmes' Guide. Sort of a "how-to deal with fat haters on craig's list". Enjoy! xoxo, Bevin

The last few weeks I've been scouring the Internet for information on Hegel and his dialectic. His thing was "thesis, antithesis and syntehesis" -- simplified, it's "Problem, Reaction, Solution." Now it is entirely possible that I have this wrong -- I have no seat in the Ivory Tower and Hegel is notoriously complicated. What I offer below is, at best, an over-simplification -- and at worst, a joint misconception, but even if I have but a fraction of the idea, it's worthy of discussion. And it's been enough to piss me off -- which is really all I want to do with you here. I want to piss you off and remind you to ask questions. And maybe entertain you a bit at the end with a poem.

So - there's nothing inherently bad about Hegelian Dialectic on its own, but when applied with forethought and sinister intention, it becomes a powerful tool for manipulation and shady transfers of power. It's impossible to research the Hegelian dialectic without being dragged, wide-eyes unblinking, into the disturbing world of conspiracy theory. The most common Internet example given for understanding Hegel's dialect involves the proposal that 9/11 was an 'inside job.' I'm not really interested in coming off as a crazypants, so I'll choose a less extreme example. It's important, however, to not dismiss this concept because it is, I believe, the foundation on which consumerism stands and is the rot at the root of our social evolution, both individually and as a culture.

Example 1: You are a child, it's X-mas Eve and your mother wants you to go to bed so she can finish putting together your toy bike. She can't tell you this outright or you'll know there's no Santa. In this moment, you have the power. You are young and small, and she could physically force you to go to bed, but that's really no fun for either of you. Barring being hog-tied to your crib, you could also continue to get up and ask for water, you could throw a tantrum, you could be stubborn and willful - to your own detriment, of course, as you wouldn't have the bike in the morning, but no matter - you could definitely make things harder on the both of you. So your Mother wants you to give up your power and do as she wishes. To accomplish this, she applies the Hegelian Dialectic:

"Sweetheart, if you don't go to bed then Santa will not come and you won't get your presents in the morning! He may have already skipped our house!" -- Manufactured Problem.
You, of course, totally freak out, as that's the last thing on earth that you want -- Expected Reaction. (fear)
And then you promptly brush your teeth, put on your PJ's and hop into bed with the blankets over your eyes and don't move a muscle until morning, lest Santa should truly not come. -- Predetermined Solution.

(Should I have put in a Santa spoiler-alert up there?)

So, that's a simple, every-day application of Hegel's dialect. No one was really harmed -- your mom got time to do a kind thing for you, and you got a good night's sleep. Of course, the hours you spent agonizing about whether or not you'd offended Santa were kind of unnecessary, but you still got your bike. As far as shady applications go, that wasn't so bad.

But let's talk about the more subtle and sinister applications that have been eating away at our collective self-esteem for centuries. Let's talk about consumerism -- which is, at its most stripped-raw, the attempted transfer of personal power from the self to the marketplace. Not an objective description, I'll grant you, but frankly -- fuck objectivity about consumerism. Now marketing, in and of itself, isn't inherently a bad thing - just like Hegel's Dialect is not a bad thing by itself. It is the way in which it is applied that determines its merit.

Example 2 is less specific -- but only because it will seem so familiar it hardly needs an introduction. Most marketing systematically seeks to create the PROBLEM (Need to lose weight? Teeth not white enough? Thighs not toned enough? Clothes not hot enough? Skin too wrinkly? Hair not shiny enough?) in order to create fear and insecurity (intended reaction) in order to get the customer to give up their personal power (i.e. confidence/empowerment) and convert their insecurity into a projected *need* for the marketer's product. (the pre-determined solution.)

Simple as that -- Dig a hole, fill it with product.

This is a long-winded way to get to the root of what I want to talk about below -- which is Preference. Personal Preference. And the fact that, in this day and age, I am fairly certain that none of us can be trusted to take our personal preferences at face value, given they have likely been systematically predetermined for us over the entire course of our lifetimes, all the while we are blissfully unaware that what we think we think are thoughts that have mostly been thunk for us. It's not a pretty prospect -- but I don't care how pristine the wall is, if you throw enough crap at it, something will eventually stick.

Lest someone think I take issue with all preferences, let me clarify that the only real problem I have with preference is how much of it goes wholly un-examined. If you dig at the root of your preference and find healthy, sound reasoning that makes sense and works for you -- go for it. But I believe that we must regard many of our likes and dislikes with suspicion -- and that the only way to step out of this rather sinister trifecta employed by those who would have us salivating like pavlovian puppies at the sound of a commercial break is to be empowered, aware and conscious consumers -- in all markets (tangible and not.)

This thought process brought me to the following, admittedly self-serving, poem -- which joyfully employs a trite rhyming convention to illustrate why I hate surfing Craigslist.

Let's talk about HWP. You craigslist junkies will likely know what this means, but for those who haven't had the pleasure, I'll expand the acronym. HWP = Height/Weight Proportionate. In other words, it's a socially acceptable way to say "No Fatties."

Now I'm recently un-coupled, and while not ready yet to date,
Just the fact of being single puts this dogma on my plate -
Checking ads to see what's out there, just in case I get a whim,
I am struck by how the margin of acceptance is so slim.

Your weight must be exactly in proportion to your height?
Height of what, I ask you? Of severity? Of might?
Is my height of intellect proportionate in measure,
to the weight of skills I have in giving lover's pleasure?

You see, Hegel may have called it out inside his dialectic:
predetermined outcomes based on formulated rhetoric.
But so subtle are the ways in which our views are formed and guided,
that often we believe they're things we consciously decided.

I think nurture plays as big a role as nature in this game,
Nature being who we are, and Nurture; what's to blame.
The thing we need remember is that even truth's subjective;
opinions hardened into 'fact' by vote of the collective.

Let's apply this logic, now, to beauty as a construct,
adherence to its rules; a voluntary code of conduct -
What if we were all to truly give ourselves permission,
to overwrite the jargon with our own new definition?

I offer, not as judgment, but as simple point of reference
that intolerance is often found beneath the guise of preference -
And if we are to bring about our social evolution,
questions, more than answers, will determine our solution.

Why is it I feel the way I feel about this thing?
Who is it that taught me - and what value does it bring?
Your conclusion, it may ultimately place you where you started -
What matters is the fact that you explored the paths uncharted.

I invite you, gentle people, with the best of your intention,
To take into your world a brand new sense of intervention;
To never take on faith the things you're taught you should believe,
'Cuz truth is seldom simple as our messy hearts perceive.

©2009 - Stacy M. Bias

Stacy Bias is a fat, queer femme dyke activist, educator and entrepreneur, nesting in the happy belly of the Portland, Oregon. As Bevin says, "Portland loves a fatty," but even here we have borders to push. Stacy's activist projects can be found at stacybias.net and her attempt to leave her day job can be found here: taproothosting.com

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, clothes, craigs list, femme, hegel, poetry, queer, stacy bias

This weekend in New Orleans I was part of an amazing performance weekend for the Palimpsest Novel book tour.  Performing on stage with the likes of Catherynne M. Valente and S.J. Tucker was such a joy, with the audience decked out in finery, masks, steampunk gear, and maps writ upon their flesh.  Trains of heaven had snaked us from Chicago to the Bayou, and I was in bliss having never been to the city before and getting to do it surrounded by some of my favorite people.

But neither the show itself (including me spinning poi on stage for the first time in 3 years,  me doing arial ropework involving a really powerful piece about emotional angst and rape, or doing ropework on the floor that involved the painfully cathartic work of destroying a novel ripped from the bound author' hands) is not what I want to write about today.  Its about my green corset.

We all have that one piece of our wardobe that has seen so much, done so much for us, with us, against us.  It has been there during the hard times and the good.  It has seen us fat and thin and every shade between.  It has laughed at us, supported us, held us.  It might be an old brooch or a favorite pair of shoes, a scarf or a coat.  I have a number of these, and this corest is one of them.

Green Corseted as a Woman

I got this corset from Morganna Femme Couture many years ago as a custom piece.  I loved it, though snapped the front busk quickly, shipped it back and the second held.  I tend to be hard on my clothing.  It is emerald green silk duploni and it used to fit like a glove- I could tightlace down to a 38D-28-42.  It was amazing.

I gave away most of my corsets, or sold them, or traded them, when I gender transitioned.  Firstly, no longer having breasts, over-bust corsets were silly to own.  Secondly, though I still identify as a drag queen, its been hard to get "girly" when trying to train folks to call me he.  I apparently confuse, baffle, make it hard for folks. But I had to keep this one, my orange and black PVC one by the same maker, and my leather waist cincher from another creator.  I could not would not part with them.  But neither could I wear them.

I have worn a corset "out" twice since transitioning until this weekend.  It was Dark Odyssey Winter Fire 2008 for the formal dinner.  Stockings, girdle (the one shown above), super-tall stripper platform heels, layers of black satin skirts and crenolines (long in back and short in front), tight orange and black corset, custom orange and black tall anime wig from Peacock Blue... eyeliner, glitter in my beard, and a flat chest under a black shirt.  People were baffled and yet had fun... but those who had known me as Bridgett (above) tripped over their tongues, unsure how to address me.  The femme fag boys were very supportive and loved it, and me. It was good.

The second was a drag piece for the Baltimore Erotic Arts Festival- where I came out in full drag queen/fetish model (for how different are they really?) glory, danced, stripped... then ripped off my fake boobs, got fully naked, removed my makeup, and got dressed into men's garb before a "mirror" (held up by my friend Graydancer) all to the song "Unpretty" in the 2nd half by TLC.  I walked away in my own skin, comfortable, hand in hand with my refletion.

But I haven't had the stregth.  Emotionally.  The whole drag queen thing is a lot of work, and currently rocking an amish-style beard I realized I need it.  The beard.  I don't get she'd.  Ever.  Ok, except on the phone once in a while.  I love being being high femme fabulous for an evening, but if it means I have to shave it all off which will lead to me having to juggle the depression and frustration of getting she'd again... I just don't have the strength right now.

So the corsets have lay quiet, borrowed by friends or just bundled and safe.  They lay fallow.  They were untouched, unheld, pulled no skin tight and forced no lungs to contort.

Wearing my Green Corset as a Man

Until this weekend.

The night before leaving on the trip I had a hair-brained idea and put it in my bag.  Black boots, black trousers, black shirt unbuttoned under the corset showing my chest fur.  Hat, goggles, key on a necklace, leather fingerles gloves.

It was good.  I've put on a lot of girth since going on testosterone, so instead of closing it it was open 4+ inches in back, and yet the look was still very dramatic.  Perhaps moreso because most folks in the audience had no idea I had ever lived, loved, and dressed as a woman.  Had no idea that once I was the woman above.  They saw a bearded young man with a 32" corseted waist wasped in and gasped.

I could only wear it for an hour.  Costume chaanges, and I was out of practice.  It was good though, if hard.  I kept fearing that people would know, would care, and yet I knew I had to.  For me.  And in the name of art.  I'm still femme, and sometimes, I need to accept, that that means my love for corsetry needs an outlet.  I won't be shaving my beard any time soon, nor my legs, but the boning is needed, the cotortion of flesh.  I need to feel it, to see my waist cinched in, to feel my power over my form, to feel light as I dance and laugh.

My love of corsets has not faded.

Technorati Tags: clothing, corsets, ftm, gender presentation, insecurity, queer, trans, transgender, transition, transmasculine

Cross posted from my blog, the Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

Zoe and Tara and I decided to head to Toronto for a crazy Femme adventure and somehow fate landed us each a hottie to have as a date on NYE. Despite our burgeoning Canadian trysts, we had an amazing Femme bonding weekend*. We went to a women's only spa called Body Blitz, lounged in their salt pools, hot tubs and saunas for a few hours for only $35 Canadian! We ate brunch, our favorite meal, every day at a new place. We got to indulge in one of our favorite activities, sexcapade redux on the road trip home, as it is rare that the three of us are getting it simultaneously.

During our trip we plotted out the details of our Golden Girls retirement home. You see, our plan is that we are each others' life partners, and we intend to retire someplace warm (I oppose Florida because humidity is not a friend to my thick tresses) and to seal our bond we are going to adopt a new last name. This last name is an amalgamation of all of our Femme Besties' last names put together, O'LowErlelisshamwinsonsonlee-Murphy. Rolls right off the tongue! We can't wait for the telemarketers to get a hold of that one.

I had a big crush on the Toronto Hottie I hooked up with, who I propositioned for a make-out ahead of time with a clever Facebook message. Rendering me shy is the sure sign that I am monstrously attracted to you, and even though I've known Toronto Hottie for years, I'd never mustered the gumption to flirt with her and thought the Facebook proposition was the surest way to overcome my shyness.

The proposition was very well-received. She was even better, nicer, and more talented than I had thought, and we connected in a way I crossed my fingers might be more than a one night fluke. A couple of sweet text messages on my ride home, and a few dirty Facebook emails the following weekend told me the chemistry was still there. It took a week to muster up the courage to ask her for a phone date. Or rather, a week and Zoe's Consiglierie insistence "JUST TEXT HER AND ASK". Our phone date was the same night, three hours long, I got off the phone and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

There's just so much to talk about and I have a lot of fun even on the phone with her. Since I'm funemployed, I've got a lot of extra time on my hands these days, thus much more traveling flexibility, as I can look for a job using the internet even in another country. Anyway, it didn't take much beyond her first couple jokes of "You should come visit next week" for me to seriously ponder this as a possibility.

I debated this pretty hardcore for the better part of a day. In some ways it seemed very practical--a fact-finding mission. Did we have chemistry beyond the first date? Was she as fabulous as she seemed and was she more than just a friend? Could she make the amazing deviled eggs she promised? Naima answered the practicality for me. "Bevin, the way I see it, there is nothing more sane than traveling for good sex."

I got further support from my friend Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. "I completely support you traveling to the Dot** for Unicorn Dick."

So I drove my Prius up to Toronto again and had a really great date. I learned a lot about her and had a lot of fun in all the best ways. The sex was still amazing and so was hanging out an watching our favorite movies.

The next few weeks and follow-up visit have had me thinking a lot about Unicorn Dick in the context of the Queer Fat Femme lifestyle. Anyone who has done the dating thing as a Queer Femme knows how hard it is to find someone that embodies the killer combo of personality, looks, chemistry, smarts and timing.

I asked Leah to define Unicorn Dick further, and here's her dispatch:

"Unicorn Dick is lust and sexual skill. It also refers to the almost mythological perfect butch/trans guy cock / love / brain package that we often believe is as rare as a Unicorn Dick. When we find it, we can sometimes go insane, elevate the degree to which which value it above our life and our girls, and try to hide it / protect it / get crazy over it / everything in the world pales next to the Unicorn Dick.

This is unhealthy and is counter to the Femme Shark principle of 'His dick is not gold plated, but you goddamn well are.'"

It's hard to avoid a scarcity mentality when you find something you don't come across very often. As in, you want to absorb as much as possible because you're afraid it won't come around very often. But it's important to remember that if the Unicorn Dick is worth it, s/he is going to realize how crucial your besties are to you and support your priorities. Further, if you're a badass Queer Fat Femme, you can't become any less badass to please someone. In past relationships I usually deferred to the sensibilities of my partner because sometimes I was "too much". I remember Zoe reminding me when I was broken up with my ex, John, how much he held me back. I'm not doing that again.

You can get excited about Unicorn Dick but you can't let your inherent amazingness suffer. Because, ultimately, Unicorn Dick won't hold you up the way your inner strength does or your besties do. Maybe over time, maybe when things develop Unicorn Dick becomes part of your support system--but even then it should be part of it and not everything. I know from losing the man I thought was my forever how crucial it was that I kept my friendships strong. Even when I didn't even have the resources to get up off my kitchen floor while I was crying, I knew I could call someone to be there with me while I fell apart.*** That's what besties are for.

The reason why my Toronto trip was so wonderful wasn't just because I got laid or uncovered Unicorn Dick like a lusty archeological dig, it was because I was having such an amazing time with my closest friends. And you can't let years of friendship suffer because you find something shiny.

While I remain very excited about this Unicorn Dick, I'm still letting things unfold and in a data gathering phase. I enjoy the time we spend together, am appreciative of our connection and the chance to learn more about her and have great sex when we can make time for one another. Leah calls this attitude a "Zen Buddhist slut move". But what I'm really grateful for right now is the support of friends like Zoe. Knowing I have been having a really horrific unemployment/housing situation right now, Zoe sent me the following love letter.

"dear Bevin [a femme love letter]

sometime around spring 2002 i went to see this philly drag troupe perform and watched wistfully as all these hot [thin] femmes performed on stage alongside the kings. and i so wished to be one of them but i knew that as a fat girl, i wasn't good enough to do so. and then you came out and you unhinged my world in ... Read Morethe best of ways...

7 years later you are one of the best BFFs a girl could ask for. not only did you help me get on that stage myself (and so many wonderful, crazy, lascivious, hilarious adventures ensured), but you have been there for me through the good, the bad and the downright fucked up, steadfast in your love and loyalty.

over the past 7 years i've watched you grow and change and unfold unto the fucking dynamo badass force of glitter, muppety smiles, cheer, snark, wit, glamor, smarts, performance art, social hub and social change that you are. and you did so even through serious strife and hard times. i am so fucking proud of you.

one of the things that so amazes me about you is not only your ability to stay strong and positive and to focus on your joy in the midst of bullshit, but to be able to ask for help and reach out when times are hard and when you need support.

and so i just want to remind you, openly and here on facebook and for posterity, that i will always be there for you, by your side, whether it's on stage in matchy-matchy glittery outfits, holding your hand through hard times, or being next to you on the couch, cuddled up next to you and laughing while you torture me by playing Bob Seger songs on repeat.

you are an inspiration and you are my heart.

golden girls forever.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Z"

It is my wish for all Queer Fat Femmes that they find the kind of community, love and support I've found with my QFF besties. It's really the most special, magical thing you'll ever find--even more magical than Unicorn Dick.

*We were having such a great time Anna hopped a $70 flight from NYC to join us. She did not hook up on NYE but is pretty much awash in pussy in her new social circle in Portland, though technically still single and looking for dates.

**Why do people call Toronto "T Dot"?

***This happened to me again recently, for reasons not related to romance.

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, butch/femme, butches, CommUNITY, dating, fat, fatshion, femme besties, femme sharks, femmes, friends, queer, queer fat femmes, sex, transgender, unicorn dick

i've been thinking a lot lately about the way that femmes are so often defined and recognized by proximity to their relationship to a “more visible” partner or date.  now, this is not new: we femmes spend a lot of time talking about invisibility, how to be and show off femme without a partner who "outs" us, what it means to “pass” when you don’t want to, how femme is not the "opposite of butch" but a thing all of it's glorious own.
but lately i've been thinking about it even more and in a more complicated circumstance than what i'm personally accustomed to: my current partner is a straight, 'factory direct' man, and we live in a place where queer folks are very, very, very under represented.

now, negotiating my femme self, and my queer self, in this situation is something that has been difficult in ways that are at times crushing and at times very freeing.  certainly not having a community present makes things more difficult because there are very few places i feel that i am accepted and recognized as a queer femme.  however, more than this, i have found that the community i *do* have has a really hard time negotiating my relationship and my identity, to the point of people (some I know, some I don’t) questioning my queer femme identity.

now from some people i expected this.  i've been out as queer to my family since i was 16 and this is the first straight person i've ever dated (of any gender).
my grandparents: so happy! (he's catholic, but you know, no one's perfect).
my parents: while not as openly jubilant, it was the first time anyone i've dated has been invited to spend holidays with us.  i don't think they've made such an effort to like someone i'm dating since... well, ever.  i always thought they'd be glad i'd never get pregnant on accident (like they did) but apparently birth control and potential abortions are far less scary than diesel dykes.

but from some people in my community in which queer has always meant "do it loud and with glitter" i have found a certain amount of resistance.
ok, not resistance.  outright non-acceptance of both me and my partner.  I’m not sure if it’s because my partner is straight, if it’s because he doesn’t speak fluent English, if it’s because we live so far away that daily or even weekly familiarity with our relationship isn’t possible, or if it’s simply because there’s no gossip like queer femme actually  (gasp) dating a straight guy.  maybe it’s all of this or maybe it’s none.  I’m honestly not sure.

i do know i should have seen this coming.  i have seen bisexual folks treated like the bastard at a family reunion enough times to know that, for some in the big gay rainbow, anything resembling or approaching bi = traitor, confused, trying-to-pass, newly out, etc.  ironically, all things i have heard said about femmes (in general) as well.  but i can't speak to a bi-femme experience, i only realise now what a lot more i've got to learn as a queer femme experiencing what i'm sure is only small slice of bi-hating-heaven.  not only because of the relationship i'm in myself, but also in general: in the past i was *so* sure i would never date a person that would call my queerness into question that i think i allowed myself to largely pay lip service (instead of real, concentrated thought and respect) to the experiences i heard bi folks talking about.

the frailties of youth.  maybe i thought, well, i'm not bi, i'm queer, and i've always said love comes from where it comes.  i was, i admit, thinking that might be more in the way of me falling for a femme than a straight man, but what can you do?  the fact is, when someone lights you up and makes you feel like your heart can grow wings and trail fairy dust, you don't ignore that (or i don't, anyway).  likely it was my own way of trying to protect myself, too, from a lot of bi-phobia that is always around.  i admit i was never really an outspoken defender of bi-femmes in the past, and that is something i regret and have changed.

now, i said that in reference to bi-femmes and this is where i get to my real point.  i have known a few butches and many trans men who admit to being bisexual or queer in a way that encompasses straight folks as well.  moreover, in conversations about theoretical situations i have heard more than one person, more than one femme, state unabashedly that a butch and a straight man would always be a queer relationship, because the butch would (visibly?) queer it.  a trans guy dating a straight girl, these same people say, could be queer if the trans guy was queer, or straight if he's straight id-ed too.  maybe people assume that a straight man dating a butch person or a trans masculine person would HAVE to be a more accepting straight person to be--what?  attracted in the first place?  i'm not sure, but i know there is a key in what we assume about the appearance and appeal of femmes, and the resulting interaction with the straight world.

...which leads me to question where any of that leaves a femme (any femme) who is in a relationship with a straight person.  if a butch or a trans man automatically queers a relationship, why are femmes so easily considered straight-acting?  why is it always implied that, because we are femme, we are also clearly not out in our relationships and to the world, no matter who our partner is? moreover, isn't that playing into the same old bullshit that a lot of femmes get about trying to pass, not 'looking' queer or gay or lesbian or... enough?  yes, there is something to be said for the politics of “passing”, even when it is unintentional.  but what about how we act?  is a “visibly queer” person inherently more likely to be out in their words and actions?  or is appearance the full sum of our parts? to assume that my femme-ness makes me likely to cheerfully slide into a nice straight role in nice, straight relationship is both hysterical and wildly misguided, and I know I’m not the only femme that’s true of.

on the other end of the spectrum, if a femme is made "straight" in a relationship with a straight man, shouldn't the same be true if anyone, femme/butch/trans/none-or-all-of-the-above dates a straight person? i think it is fair to say that a large majority of the butches and trans-masculine people i know have messed around with straight women.  so, if a straight man makes me and my relationship 'straight', shouldn't a straight person do the same to those who date them, of whatever gender?  is that the power of straight folks, that they magically convert whoever dates them into the same thing?

of course not.

and believing that is, in reality, policing someone else’s identity by making it dependent on the opinion of others.  ever been told “it’s just a phase” or “you haven’t met the right ____ yet”?
yeah, exactly.

moreover it's unfair to say that anyone dating a straight person in a gender combination that is normally considered a heterosexual relationship is therefore IN a heterosexual relationship.  in my opinion, if one person identifies as queer (or bi or lesbian or gay or... etc), the relationship is not straight.  maybe it's not queer either, but it's sure as hell not fair for anyone outside of the relationship to decide either way.

in the end, i'm not even sure what the end is.  bi-phobia, phobia of lgbq (etc.) people dating straight people, fear of losing community, fear in general is rampant in our communities (some more than others).  and, while i have few answers or solutions, i think what it comes down to from my femme perspective is this: femmes are constantly fighting against being defined, valued, recognized, honored or ignored based on who they are with. i would think, because of that, femmes should be able to recognize that of the many femme identities and possibilities that exist, none of us should be making rigid definitions based on who we date.  ideally, we should be honoring femme identities, and trying to understand rather than judge from fear.

after all, maybe you'll never date a straight man, or maybe you'll fall in love with one tomorrow.  maybe you'll wake up one day and realise your partner has become one, maybe you'll wake up one day and realise you've become one.  maybe you date straight women who refuse to be out about your relationship, maybe you've only ever dated lesbian nation, lambda-earring-wearing, separatist-community-living, womyn-lovin-womyn.  you still get to define your own identity, you still decide what femme means to you, how you live it and how you love it.  and no relationship can take that away, or change you just out of the capricious behavior of relationships.

femme, to me, has always meant freedom.  and that means free to have your femme identity recognized, honored and upheld, even if you reinvent it every day.  femme is who we are, completely ourselves, and nothing less.

Technorati Tags: bisexual, femme identity, queer