Oh Femme's Guide. I've been so delinquent posting. Mostly I started seeing less and less of you when I got it on with my own blog and then... well, you all know how the New Relationship Energy goes. You forget about the other blog for awhile. But I haven't forgotten about you, I'm still here, just not finding new content to post here. It's a dilemma, for sure. How do you make the old group blog feel special while still devoting your attention to your new primary?

However, I did just start a new blog feature which I am super excited about sharing. Yeah, yeah, this is totally like taking your old date on a double date with your new partner. It's true. But let's just be open and poly about it and I'm sure you'll like this. Agreed? HussyRed will totally back me up on this.

In the last few months, I have read and heard a lot of musings about Femme that begin with sentences like "There's an unspoken expectation that Femme means consumerism" and "Femme is more than how many labelwhore handbags you own" and on and on about how Femme is so much more than spending money.

I find statements like this troubling. Partially because I think when people make arguments against "unspoken" anything, they're making assumptions, usually out of insecurity. Assumptions and insecurity are the kryptonite of community building and connections. I also find it annoying because I think it's falling into the WASPy* notion that we can't or shouldn't talk about money.**

The part of being Femme that I've found to be the most rewarding are the DIY*** aspects of putting yourself together. I haven't known any other way to be Femme.

When I came into Femme, I came into it knowing lots of people who shared their resources. When I compliment someone on their make-up, for example, usually I get a response like "Thanks! It's MAC blah blah blah" or "It's wet n wild blah blah blah can you believe it?" Or if they didn't offer where they bought something, and I wanted to know, I'd just ask. I've never had anyone bristle at the question and it's been a great way to piece together my sense of style.

As fat girls, especially, since plus size clothes are so much harder to find than clothes under size 14, it's always been my fat femme sisters who told me where to find things, how to modify things to fit, how to wear things to make them flattering, and most importantly, how much stuff costs!

Femme cannot be bought. Period. But the process of putting together a style that makes you feel comfortable in your skin does sometimes take some scrapiness and bargain shopping. I love bargain shopping--I call it Femme Hunting. Half the time the process of getting together an outfit is fun in and of itself.

So it is in this spirit of opening dialogue about Femme Hunting that I present my new blog series: Girl You Look Expensive****. I'll find a fierce fat femme, interview her about her outfit and post it here. The idea is how you can look fierce and fashionable without spending a lot of money.

My top was free. Like, really, really free. It's a t-shirt that I got at a Divabetics event at ReDress and then altered. My skirt is from Torrid via ReDress and was, like, $9. My shoes are glitter peeptoe flats and were a whopping $5 on sale at Payless. My bangle and ring are cheapie H&M. My earrings were $12 and are the most expensive piece in this ensemble. I bought them from a fierce young Black womyn artist on 125th Street in Harlem.

There are folk who are constantly talking about how femmes are totally materialistic and into consumerism and how it's rare and special for a femme to have a budget, be eco-friendly, diy-fierce, or even poor. That idea is really classist, all on its own. It makes the assumption that all femmes have the resources and income and desire to spend small fortunes on their wardrobes. It makes the assumption that femmes who have fierce things spend a bunch to become that fierce. Untrue.

I am lucky that I live in New York City and have cheap and fashionable clothing resources available to me. As a femme of Color, I also have a shit ton of pressure imposed upon me to dress and carry myself in a certain way (clean and poised). I have the privilege to dress as funky as I want, have natural hair, and still be seen as human in the POC and queer communities. Julia Starkey's essay "Fatness and Uplift" is a great resource about the cultural standards imposed on Black womy/en, especially when we are fat. Read it.

I also refuse to judge other femme's priorities. Most of the Femmes With Money that I know are super humble and generous. And crafty and aware of their privilege.

I have a great balance of cheap and pricier items in my wardrobe. My friends and I don't brag about how much our fierce crap costs or about silly brands, that just isn't how our community works.

Places I love to shop because I'm young, fierce, fat, and poor:

ReDress NYC (Duh! Fierce fierce FIERCE)
AJ Wright (Great deals on handbags, shoes, and dresses!)
GirlProps (Cheap and cute accesories)
Etsy.com (Handmade goodies, totally worth $1 or $100)
H&M (I'm fat, but I swear by their jewelery and I know lots of plus size folk who can fit into their stuff)
Payless (But only during BOGO)
DSW (I love the purple sale tags....)

Taureret is starting a Radical Fatshion Zine. There's a group on FaceBook if you are interested in joining and donating your skills!

*Defined by urban dictionary here. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=waspy
**In this society, as women, as queers, as folks who don't have access to making a lot of money, it is really important that we get rid of the tendency not to talk about how we manage our money or how we make our money. A lot of us just don't have skills or weren't raised in households where we were taught how to do that, or know any other way but living paycheck to paycheck. Let's be real, a lot of us don't have the option of doing anything but living paycheck to paycheck, but even some of us who do have an abundance don't know how to manage it. When you have to get creative with money, that's when having an open dialogue with community members is really helpful--about bargains, work arounds, making do and mending.
***Do it Yourself.
****Named for Jenna Riot's AWESOME song of the same name. http://www.myspace.com/jennariotmusic

Technorati Tags: activism, Bevin Branlandingham, clothing, coming into femme, Craft, fashion, fat, fatshion, femme, femme clothing, femme identity, femme sharks, femmes, gender presentation, money, nyc, people of color, queer, queer fat femmes, real life, sewing, size, size acceptance, thrift, what femme is

As published on my new blog, The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

I was walking my Shih Tzu Macy the other day through my neighborhood in Jersey City when we came across a stranger. He was another little white Shih Tzu, with no collar or leash. Macy, ever our ambassador to all friendly furry creatures, asked him what he was up to. She was unable to communicate with me what his exact business was in the street on a dark snowy NYC night, but I was able to pick him up, determine he was warm and smelled entirely too good to be a stray. There's no way I could just leave him on the street, in case he got hit by a car or fell prey to any other Shih Tzu dangers lurking about.

We took him home, where I made a little sign advertising that I'd found a white dog with my phone number. I figured if it was me, as soon as I realized Macy was gone I would flip out and scour the neighborhood--a few signs near where he was found would probably bring them out.

It took about an hour, my plan worked and little Gizmo was reunited with his family. Macy was a little annoyed that he spent the whole time at my apartment hanging out with me on the sofa and not playing with her, but we felt good about having done a good deed.

I told my gay boy BFF Brian about this, saying It's not like he's going to be able to fend for himself on the streets. What survival skills does a Shih Tzu have?

"Well, I think looking cute and being able to convince strangers to take you home and feed you until your people come get you is a survival skill."

And he is absolutely right. Being able to recognize when you need help and being open and available to receiving help is absolutely a survival skill.

This was brought into stark Femme relief for me during part 2 of my 3 part 30th birthday party celebrations, right after the Shih Tzu incident. I threw a party called "Ascots and Bouffants" at my friend Muse's apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Muse was kind enough to host the party and was stressed about learning how to bouffant her hair. I offered to do her hair for her, having learned from my hair dresser in November (much to my intense joy).

This was the result after I did my own bouffant process using the technique from my stylist.

However, I have thick, long hair and Muse has fine, shoulder-length hair. It never occurred to me that my technique wouldn't work on Muse. I started working the backcomb action on her hair and this is what she looked part way through the process.

The results were less than ideal and disappointing for both of us, as we both wanted her to have fabulous high hair for my party.

Just as we made the revelation, my fabulous and gorgeous friend Bryn showed up (who Muse doesn't know very well). She's a hair dresser by trade and I instantly knew what we needed to do. Bryn!! I hollered. Can you fix this?

It took about 20 minutes, during which time I began to circulate and welcome guests. And the end result was a fabulous looking and very relieved Muse. By thinking fast and on my feet, I was able to make big hair happen for her, even though I wasn't able to do it myself.

Asking for help is a crucial skill for Femmes. There are so many things we can learn from each other. Almost everything I know about fatshion, beauty, make-up, self-esteem, and all the things in life I enjoy I've learned from my Femme sisters.

It is important to remember that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. Being open to showing people who you really are and articulating your needs is a great way to interact with people and make real, genuine connections. Had I been too proud to admit defeat when I realized 10 minutes into Muse's bouffant that I was not going to achieve the result we were after, she would have been stuck with hair she hated and I would have been stuck with a nagging feeling of letting her down that would have dampened the spirit of my party. Being at a point in my life and my confidence where I can ask my friends for help when I need it without being stuck in a feedback loop of shame or worrying about not seeming self-assured actually makes me more confident.

Even if I don't have a skill, I can get access to it pretty easily through my networks. And just like that Shih Tzu we found, I know I'll never really be out on the street long enough for my fur to get cold.

Big Femme Love in 200 and Fine!!

P.S. I also posted another series of Correspondence if y'all are interested.

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, CommUNITY, fat, fatshion, femme, gender presentation, hair, high femme, nyc, real life, thank you

If you know me for long enough you're sure to learn that I was a Girl Scout. Not just any kind of Girl Scout, though, I was a Gold Award-winning super-scout that spent years as a camp counselor, too. I carry with me a satchel of skills learned in my youth. I routinely impress people in all kinds of situations with my knot tying and ability to light a one-match fire.

Part of that satchel is, unfortunately, some leftover baggage from having been a fat kid. I have been fat as long as I can remember, there was never a moment where I "got" fat. Currently I am about a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. I only wish I had been able to shed some of that fat shame early and treasured a lot more of the experiences I had as a teen, instead of dreading doing anything with my body and other people.

In scouts we would go camping about 6-8 times per year and usually hiking would be involved. I hated it because no matter what I would end up huffing and puffing at the back of the pack, more concerned with how I was holding people back and the physical toll it took than enjoying the scenery. As soon as I was a grown up and able to make decisions about recreation, I chose not to hike even when camping.

During my recent trip to California, my friend Anna* and I decided to go to Yosemite National Park for an overnight. We discovered once we got there that other than a couple of short nature walks, the real experience was in taking a hike up a mountain. I was prepared for this with a decent pair of sneakers (I no longer own hiking boots) and the resolution that I was going to go up this mountain on my terms.

I offer the disclaimer here that I am not suggesting anyone embark on any physical exertion without talking to their doctor first and making sure they have the proper equipment for whatever they are doing.

I made sure I had water, a bandanna, my ID, a small first aid kit and that I was comfortable. I know in scouts I would have gotten a lot of flack for hiking in a cute shirt and a skirt (it's actually a skooter from Torrid, but it sure looks like a skirt!) and a full face of make-up, but I think it's important to challenge yourself in reasonable ways. One thing I've learned from camping out at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival is that one need not sacrifice style for the wilderness. Plus, my make-up is mineral make-up so it's sort of like wearing a bit of the mountain already.

I also told my companion, Anna, a fattie on the inside and a good fat ally, that she was at liberty to go on ahead of me if she wanted to, that I was going to be hiking at my comfort level. I wouldn't have offered that if we were on an isolated trail, but the Vernal Falls trail even in October was bustling. She knew better than to try to egg me on with "you can do it's!" and other typically well-meaning-but-it-sure-sounds-patronizing-just-ignore-me-already stuff fatties hear when we exercise.

On this hike I listened to my body. It is a really steep trail, and I went pretty slowly. I made sure my breathing was never labored and I felt like I was going at a rate that felt like a good challenge but was not too much. I also made sure I enjoyed the surroundings of the gorgeous trail--looking at the trees, smelling the amazing mountain air , admiring the incredible waterfall and spotting wildlife. In contrast to hiking as a youth, where I just couldn't wait to get it over with, I really invested in enjoying the experience.

Since I saw so many people on the trail I knew I was the fattest person on that trail. But I sort of knew that people were looking at me more because of my cupcake backpack than the fact that I'm a fattie. And who cares what other people think, as long as I'm enjoying myself and feeling really grateful to be a New Yorker on a mountain in one of the most gorgeous places on earth?

I made it about an hour and a half up that mountain and decided I'd had enough. The trail had turned into steps, I was pretty close to the top but the steps were granite, covered in silt and were slippery. I didn't want to fall down on my way back. So I told Anna (who kept hiking ahead of me and then waiting for me) to go as far as she wanted to and find me on the way back down.

On our way back to the Valley floor (she caught up with me) we saw a youth group hiking up. The kids were scattered across about a half mile of the trail, and sure enough the fatties were towards the back. I smiled broadly at them. I wish there was a way to make it so the speed of the kids on this group outing on the mountain was value-neutral. That it was more about the experience of being on the mountain and loving the scenery and not about the huffing and puffing to keep up. I wish there was a way for these kinds of growing up activities to not be a competition.

I was rewarded up at the top of my hike with a rainbow in that waterfall. I'm a homo, these things matter to me.

As an adult, I know I excel in a lot of areas, some of them physical, but "walking up hills for fun" is not my forte. But listening to my body and doing something I really enjoyed was the way I was able to reclaim something unpleasant from my youth on my own, new (and far more stylish) terms.

Knot tying though, knot tying I continue to enjoy...

*Anna is the Technical Editor for my podcast, FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, and is single. We have a new minisode out, a road trip edition!

Technorati Tags: camping, exercise, fat, fatshion, femme, femme clothing, femmecast, gender presentation, high femme, hiking, natural, nyc, outdoors, real lesbians, thoughts

As this is my inaugural post on the Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything, I thought I would go with my favorite category: "How-To". Big love to Scarlet for setting this up, a clearinghouse resource like this is integral to community building. One of the things I love best about Femme sisterhood is sharing resources. My mom was a second-wave lesbian feminist. The trappings of Femme were things I cobbled together mostly through the graciousness of my Femme friends, performing as a drag king (no kidding) and the magic of you tube.

The first "How-To" guide I present to you is entitled "How to Have a Gorgeous Beach Body" graciously modeled by my BFF and Consigliere, Zoe Femmetastica.

You may be saying to yourself "Bevin, I am so glad beach weather is over. I can't possibly go to the beach. I am too fat/pale/gender non-conforming/[insert your insecurity here]." I am here to tell you that you, too, can totally go to the beach without worry!

The first step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to decide to go to the beach. Summer is over, technically, but here at FemmeCast headquarters (New York City) we refuse to give up the ghost until it is absolutely too cold to bear a day on the beach. Thus, Zoe's birthday weekend of September 14 was never considered too late for a beach day.

The second step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is deciding which beach to go to*. Our favorite beach within driving distance is the Cherry Grove section of Fire Island. Historically gay, the beach is beautiful, water cool and clean and the beach is populated with a hugely diverse array of homos, a smattering of lesbians and virtually every body type one can imagine. It is both kid and dog friendly, while not being overpopulated by either.

We like homo beaches because we are homos** and enjoy hanging out with our people. Also, gay men usually ignore lesbians and disinterest based on your gender presentation makes being out in your bathing suit a little bit easier. I am also a huge fan of surrounding yourself with diverse body types in all situations, because nothing is more normalizes fat bodies in bathing suits than actually seeing fat bodies in bathing suits.

The third step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to assemble a Posse of Homos. I find all situations far more fun surrounded by amazing people, fat queers and allies. We sent out an evite and cobbled together a group of twenty people ready to celebrate both Zoe's birth and Have Gorgeous Beach Bodies [TM] with us. We carpooled and hopped the ferry to Cherry Grove.

Zoe is smiling so big because she loves the beach and loves being surrounded by people who love her.

The fourth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to concoct a durable and appropriate cover up outfit to get you to and from the beach with style.

H & M polka dot dress--$14.99, stretchy size 14. Black leggings from pretty much anywhere. Black and white croc (seriously) wedges, $40.00.

The fifth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to make sure you have the proper levels of sun protection. Zoe is high maintenace, therefore her sun rituals involve a gallon ziplock bag full of various SPFs for each part of her body, depending on the amount of tattooedness and contiguous sun exposure.

Mine is simple--bring a huge umbrella and/or hat and Baby Sunblock in the highest SPF possible--minimium 50. My Irish Heritage has insisted that I burn immediately upon contact with the sun. Owning that fact and working to prevent burns has gone a long way to encourage my comfort with the beach.

It also helps to have gentleman butches on hand to apply sunscreen on parts of your body that are unreachable--these butches should be appropriately grateful for the honor of application. Femme sisters/admirers/lovers are also good for this.

The sixth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to enjoy the hell out of your time at the beach! The real secret to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is having a great time. The first few times you step out in public in a bathing suit are anxiety ridden, but baby step your way to comfort! If you have to keep your cover-up on to feel secure, do it, but challenge yourself. Take your cover-up off for a few minutes and feel how good it is to sit in the sun (or under an umbrella), splash in the surf and live in your body. Even if you have to dissociate for awhile and purposefully forget that you are not in street clothes, try it out. People truly respond to the you that you radiate to the world, not your body. If you are radiating positive energy and having a good time, that is what people will notice.

Take a look at Zoe here--there's no way this isn't a gorgeous beach body.

During our seven years of friendship, Zoe's passion for the beach has definitely rubbed off on me. I know that I have a Gorgeous Beach Body, in part, because of her.
Happy Birthday, Zoe!

Also, I have purposefully ignored the selection of a bathing suit since clearly Zoe's body isn't gorgeous because of the suit she's wearing (or isn't wearing). And, also, Fat Girl Bathing Suit Selection is another series of blog posts I'll get up here closer to next year's beach season.

Do you have a Gorgeous Beach Body story to tell? Email me! FemmeCast at Gmail dot Com

xoxo,

Bevin

*I understand not everyone lives geographically close to a beach, but this guide easily translates to the public recreational swimming establishment near you, as well as for any vacation opportunities you choose to create for yourself.
**Socially I use the term homo to refer to pretty much anyone on the queer spectrum, including Zoe who is a bisexual.

Technorati Tags: beach, diets, fat, femme, femme clothing, femmes, nyc, queer, real life, tattoos

Big Momma by Altered Aperture (http://alteredaperture.com)

Imagine 12 of NYC's best sex-positive writers, educators, and film makers working on the same project for a good cause - all proceeds benefit Audacia Ray's Sex Work Awareness Project. The NYC Sex Bloggers 2009 Calendar Project has officially been launched. The theme: NYC style burlesque and pin-up. What began as as a little "what if..." has materialized into a project that is underway and on schedule for release soon!

So who are these dynamic women I'm going on about? They are

• Audacia Ray
• Desiree
• Diva
• Elizabeth Wood
• Jamye Waxman
• Lux Alptraum
• Mariella
• Rachel Kramer Bussel
• Riese
• Sinclair Sexsmith
• Tess Danesi
• Twanna A Hines

Oh, and a contest! I love contests because I love to give things away!!
The first 7 bloggers to write a post on your blog that sends people to the NYC Calendar Project: http://www.sexbloggercalendar.wordpress.com/ and send the link to me (catalinaloves@gmail.com) will each win a day on the calendar. In other words, instead of "buying a day", you can have your blog url on your day, or any personal message - you can wish them luck or send a greeting to your favorite blogger (me) or celebrate your birthday or anniversary - up to 80 characters will be printed on your day.

Now go and read all about the project!

Technorati Tags: burlesque, contestsnew york sex bloggers, nyc, NYC Sex Blogger Calendar, pin up calendar, sex bloggers, sex positive, sexy women