I'm sorry I've been neglecting you for so long, my darling. It's not something I meant to do, but there have been many changes in my life recently and, to be honest, I'm worried about the safeness of your space. This is something I need to remedy, but I haven't had the drive to do so. I've also been going through a lot of changes in regard to my gender, and while femme definitely fits me I'm trying to figure out how to express the gender-fluid femme boi that I have inside of me, not only physically but also through writing.

I've also been thinking about ways to change you, especially as you've just turned one year old. I want to make you more of a community resource, as that was the idea all along, but I've been thinking of better ways to do that. I'm going to start sharing you with more people, something I know you will like as well, allowing people to submit their own posts to be published instead of limiting the publishing to a distinct few.

I want to see more diversity on you, though I've been saying that from the beginning I haven't done a lot to support it. Although we do have a bit of diversity among the authors it is not enough for me.

My comment policy is also something I've been working on for a while. I need you to be a safe space, both for myself and others to express our feelings without worry of mean comments. Respective constructive comments, sure, but downright offensive or mean ones will not be tolerated. I mean to create something like Kate Harding's comment policy for you, but I haven't gotten around to it.

I want to add more pictures to your layout as well, an idea I had when I first started working on this layout with it's rotating images to the left, but something I haven't put much into practice. (If you reading this have an image you would like to see there please send it to femmesguide AT gmail.com.)

So, TFG, while I know I've been neglecting you I've also been thinking a lot about you, but have been distracted by other projects and my own thing, just as Bevin talked about. It's not you, it's me, promise, but I'm trying to get better at writing.

Happy Birthday!

Yours,
Scarlet Lotus

Technorati Tags: changes, femme, gender, images, layout

Cross-posted on Femme Fagette here.

Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom. - from femmethology.com

This month of April marks something I've been waiting for quite some time: the Femmethology virtual blog tour! Today is lucky enough to be my day, and so I'm sharing some of my feelings and insights related to the Femmethology. Visit Daphne Gottlieb tomorrow for her day, and all the sites at the bottom of the post on their days.

First, a little about the Femmethology:
Visible: A Femmethology

Femmethology is essential—a roadmap of Femme Nation, an index, an anthropology, a manifesto, and a googleology. - Dorothy Allison

Visible: a Femmethology is a two-volume anthology of essays revolving around femme identity.

I've been discovering and embracing my multigendered identity lately, but in that multigendered identity there is a solidly femme identity as well, which these books helped me remember.

Not that I had forgotten my femme identity, I just had been focusing more consciously on my fagette identity than my femme because it was new and in a way easier to focus on because it's more visible (though only slightly). The identities in no way are opposites, they are complimentary, but they are also different. Reading through the Femmethology in a way re-connected me with my femme identity.

The biggest benefit of the Femmethology, in my opinion, is that it helps remind us that we are not alone as femmes. While some of us have many femme friends and a wonderful support system the rest of us do not and we have to navigate the world without much reassurance and reminders that there are so many of us out there feeling the same things. This is one of the reasons I started The Femme's Guide in the first place, to emphasize that there are many of us out there, and while we're all different we are also all the same.

I was moved many times throughout the two volumes. There were authors I knew well or moderately well, from various avenues such as Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, and Tara Hardy. There were many other authors that I didn't know anything about, but I was able to get to know something about them through their stories.

Many stories touched me to the core, rocked me, and left me dazed and contemplating my own stories and my own identities.

I feel that Visible: A Femmethology is not just a book or anthology meant to be read, though it certainly is that as well, it's also a look into each of these femme's lives and voices, an adventure into different types of femme-ininity and different experiences that all somehow are similar because of this identity we all embrace and inhabit. It shows the vastness of femme while also showing what unites us.

It screamed "you are not alone" to me right when I needed it.

From the Introduction to the anthology: "Femme means I won’t compromise on complexity. ... Above all, my femme is not your femme, which is the good news. ... Femme means my sexuality, my partner choices, my definitions and my gender presentation might not match your labels."

You can order Volume 1 and Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.

You can also hear Sinclair Sexsmith reading his Love Letter to Femmes!

Check out the blogs below on the associated dates to learn more about the Femmethology volumes:
4/1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
4/2. Ellie Lumpesse
4/3. Queer-o-mat
4/4. CyDy Blog
4/6. Catalina Loves
4/7. cross-post: The Femme’s Guide and Femme Fagette
4/8. Daphne Gottlieb
4/9. Bilerico Project
4/10. Screaming Lemur: Femme-inism and Other Things
4/13. The Femme Hinterland
4/14. Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing and The Vagina Adventures
4/15. Dorothy Surrenders
4/16. Miss Avarice Speaks Her Mind
4/17. The Femme Show
4/19. Sexuality Happens
4/20. Queer Fat Femme
4/21. Sublimefemme Unbound
4/22. Tina-cious.com and Jess I Am (butch-femme couple day!)
4/23. FemmeIsMyGender
4/24. The Lesbian Lifestyle
4/25. Femme Fluff
4/26. Weldable Cookies
4/27. The Verbosery
4/28. A Consuming Desire and Creative Xicana
4/29. Queercents
4/30. en|Gender

Technorati Tags: anthology, art, body, book, books, butch, CommUNITY, definitions, fagette, femme, femme identity, femmes, gender, gender presentation, identities, labels, lgbt, multigendered, queer, sexuality, Sinclair Sexsmith

I've been grappling with something over the past few months as I embark on a serious relationship with a woman for the first time. My femininity feels under fire by my own fucked up gender programming. The reality is that it doesn't matter how much Judith Butler and Eve Sedgwick I read. It doesn't matter that I have idols like Tristan Taormino, Lee Harrington, and Bear Bergman. It doesn't matter that I love genderbenders and all level of gender fucking. I have some fucked up assumptions and ideas about sex and gender and sexuality that infect my ability to be as fearless as I want to be.

This is a confession of sorts but also a cry for help. I think about myself in reference to kink and sex and realize that I associate submission and service with being feminine. I associate beauty, weakness, and delicacy with being feminine. And I also realize that I am so terrified of being seen as anything other than feminine that I put up some strange defenses against this.

Case study A: Ariel

Ariel is my gorgeous girlfriend. She is beautiful and petite and has long flowing hair. She moves gracefully on high heels. She also has a powerful job in a male-dominated industry and changes car batteries and asserts herself aggressively in conversations. She looks high femme but has always thought of herself as butch. Still, when I touch her I sometimes feel huge, ham-fisted, rough, and all-together ugly. I know she longs for me and I fail her because I don't know how to be. On the one hand, strapping on a pretty dildo and fucking her for hours sounds like pure bliss but I know that getting to that point will be full of second-guessing myself and my desires and my actions.

Am I being entirely heterosexist in my view of this sexual relationship? Abso-fucking-lutely! Because she is feminine, I feel masculine. (We won't even get into the terrible fact that I associate masculinity [on myself!] with ugliness) I don't want to feel this way. It isn't enlightened, it isn't sex positive. I wouldn't teach it to my students. But it infects my reality and I don't know how to deprogram it.

Case study B: Michael

[Note: This section has been edited for nuance. The lack it previously exhibited, though, is likely symptomatic of my issues with binary thinking.]

Michael is a petite man. We are the same height and I outweigh him significantly. When we first met I didn't think the relationship would work because of this. I thought I would feel huge and be self-conscious and afraid. So I submitted myself to him. He felt like he was capable of being in charge and I let him be. Even if I couldn't be delicate and small by comparison physically, I knew I could shrink myself mentally. It works out well that he has discovered enjoyment of beating me until I cry, pulling my hair, grabbing my throat. (Again we won't get into how fucked up it is that my way of feeling feminine involves simulated victimization) Even when I am initiating sex with him, it feels like an act of service and devotion. He often gives me feedback on how to touch and where and when. I siddle up to him and slither a limb around his body. I kiss gently. The touches are a seduction and they are a worship and only in my most wanton and least self-conscious moments do I allow myself to be aggressive and take up space.

Taking up space

I haven't really defined what this means to me just yet. You may have guessed some of it by now, though. I think of it in terms of physical space - my body is larger and I attempt to diminish that regularly. I also think of it terms of political space - my voice should be smaller, my needs should be less important, my desires should be locked away.

This might seem ridiculous to some of you that have met me or read this blog. Of course I take up space in terms of talking about sex. Here I am now with this presence on the internet. Blabbing, opining, discussing in detail, issuing edicts and judgments and ideas. But some of that strength leaves me when I'm making love to some of the people I adore most in the world.

I know that every relationship goes through growing pains and these are no exception, but this issue feels bigger and scarier and more about me being fucked in the head than any I have run into before. So, dear reader, tell me what you think. How do I get my theory to line up with my practice? How do I deschool myself of gender? How do I embrace femininity in a way that doesn't make me need to masculinize others? How have you done it or how do you wish you could?

Technorati Tags: call for help, gender

On Monday, I learned how to knit and it feels absolutely liberating! I'm pretty awful at it so far, but I'm just plugging along getting better the more I work at it. Is knitting a queer thing? Is it just a feminist thing? Why do so many queer/feminist people knit? I've heard people talk about Western society collapsing, and going back to a society where everything is pretty much done by hand... Is that why people knit? So that we will have clothes after the demise of machinery? That's pretty unlikely though...

Well, for whatever reason, queers and feminist are learning to stitch and I think it's fantastic. I thought needle crafts would be a femme thing, given that it's been a pastime dominated by females for lord knows how long, but it's not! My lovely butch lady and I spend many hours cross-stitching, a butch couple we know also spends quality time together crocheting, and tonight I met all manner of people on the gender spectrum at knitting circle. It has come pretty easily to me, since I have crocheted, cross-stitched, and sewed for so many years. So, after my first five days of knitting, I give you my top five reasons for loving needle crafts:

5. It's communal - stitching alone is sorta like drinking alone... it just shouldn't be done.

4. You can talk and stitch at once, so you have lots of time to plan world domination using needles and yarn/fabric as your only weapons.

3. There's always someone new, and sometimes it's you! I don't make friends easily, but if nothing else, you can talk about stitching!

2. Stitching takes your mind off the craziness of the world, it's rhythmic, repetitive and methodical and I find that very soothing.

1. The final product was made by your hands every step of the way. Your crafts make special gifts and they give you a sense of pride in your own handiwork.

After this week, I think I'm starting to see how stitching can be a kind of feminist activism, where we are making things for ourselves rather than buying into consumer culture. Read up on the feminist power of knitting in "Stitch n Bitch: The Knitter's Handbook."

Technorati Tags: activism, book, Craft, DIY, feminism, feminist activism, femme, femme clothing, gender, needle crafts, quality time, queer, society, world domination

If you listened to my interview with Trouble (creator, owner and photographer for NoFauxxx.com) on RadioDentata (you can go directly to my player here), you already know what I'm about to say.

If you missed it, you can listen to it tonight at 9pm EST (6pm PST), or again at 3am EST (Midnight PST). She has lots of great things to say about the concepts of queer, of feminism, of sex-positivism, and so much more.

But one of the most exciting things she said? She's going to give away a three-month membership to NoFauxxx.com. THREE MONTHS. That includes all the photo sets and videos on the site. And because I just shot with them while I was in San Francisco, it means you get to see really cute pictures of me naked in a kitchen...and masturbating on the stove!

How do you enter? Comment here, or on my podcast, or shoot me an email at essinem at gmail dot com. Trouble and I want to know what queer means to YOU. You can write it out, you can send a video, a picture, etc. Please know that if you submit, your definition of queer may be posted here, read on my show, etc.

I need a name (doesn't have to be your real one for the submission), and an email where I can contact you. You'll need to be willing to give Trouble all your info, should you win.

THREE MONTHS OF HOT, NAKED, QUEER and ALTERNATIVE people. Does it get much better than that?

So comment, email, what have you. Because we want to get lots of responses, you have until February 28th to enter. A whole month. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your partner(s). My set goes up around the 14th, so if you win, you'll definitely get to see me naked (and if you don't want to wait, or if you don't win, you can always sign up for affordable memberships as well!)

Ready. Set. Go. We can't wait to see what you have to say about what queer is to YOU.

And make sure you check out my show tonight, if you haven't heard her interview already!

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: contest, Essin' Em, femme, gender, giveaway, nofauxxx, queer, swag, trouble

When I decided at the age of 26 that I was going to finally gender transition, I was lovingly informed that I had to hang up my heels and become a real guy. One photographer friend of mine offered to give me “dude lessons” (sadly, not a euphemism for having sex with him). Another old friend informed me that transguys don’t do drag, or wear makeup. A small army of FtM folks and their allies I knew said that for the first few years after transition you have to stay a mans man in some way… its hard enough for people to get used to the pronoun change.

So I did. I would dress sharp in 3 piece suits or maybe on a brave day wear a pair of goggles and go a bit steam punk… but that was it. I bound back my breasts, started on hormones, jumped through hoops getting ready for surgery, and always dressed as butch as I could imagine. I found this all hilarious, mixed in with the hilarity. I mean, hadn’t others challenged me into being a high femme woman?

Growing up I didn’t identify femme. I wasn’t allowed to really. I was a genderqueer kid who was taller than anyone else in her class, sprouting up to 5’9” in 4^th grade before settling in just shy of 6ft. I was strong, a math wiz, and brainiac. The reality is no one who knew me as a kid was surprised when I came out as debating gender as a teen or finally transitioned in my mid-late 20s. And as the strong brainiac one who would never dream of being under a size 16, it was oh so easy to become a street punk butch dyke.

But I was doubling as a femme fag. My first boyfriend saw it and encouraged it, but the women I dated all saw my size and firmness and boy-ness and went “oh- BUTCH!” The lenses we each wear, right? But that vision from the men I dated of me as super curvy goddess led to that flicker of femme to grow. To simmer. To bubble. And eventually it became this thing I wore, a fine layer of lip gloss under the surface of my being. The thing I broke out and put on high volume when I needed to sneek into a nightclub- breasts first and deep red lips following.

I finally fell in love with a bloke in England who, based on our Dominant/submissive dynamic, informed me I would become a woman. More accurately, a high femme he’d be proud to have on his arm. Well, the lip gloss just beneath the surface was there, so he just scratched and peeled away the outer flesh and built that gloss up to a high shine. Platform boots, velvet skirts, growing my hair out, learning how to do makeup that wasn’t for the stage. But it always was a bit drag queen or costume… which was oddly hot for me. It was femme, but looking back, it was femme fag.

By the time he and I broke up, it had become habit for venturing out in public. Lipstick as my sword, corset as my armor, handbag as my shield. I was still a mix- punk patches, combat boots… I always will be, and I personally believe that all of those things are femme too. Thus when I arrived in the adult film industry, I had a great rack, a collection of heels, over the top makeup… and a career was born.

But 6 years later I shaved my head, and another year later I began discussing my transition out loud. People looked at me and started arguing. But aren’t you femme? Don’t you love corsets, heels, and being fabulous? Don’t you perform, cook, and do sex work?

I had flashbacks to being in high school at my therapists office. I had heard about this FtM thing and decided it was me. She looked at me and said, but don’t you prefer men? Overall, yes, but I sometimes like girls too. But don’t you say you like wearing women’s clothes? Yes, I do, so what. Stockings are sexy. But didn’t you say you are not dysphonic about your vagina? Its true- I like having sex with my vagina.

We’re not interested in creating a fag, she said.

It was all back. You have one right way to do it. That’s it.

Bullshit.

It had been 14 months since I had publically come out as being trans, changed my name in the public world, and 5 months after my chest surgery. I was going to a sexuality conference called Dark Odyssey and was going to go to their formal dinner night. Everyone I knew was dressing to the 9s, and I had no idea what to wear.

My orange and black corset tumbled out of the closet.

I sucked in my breath, and heard them all yelling. The friend with the dude lessons. The councilor from high school. The what you should voices.

Girdle. Seamed stockings. Platform high heels. Layers of black skirts, short in front and long in back. Tight corset. Flat furry chest with a black wrap shirt over it to stay warm. Huge wig. Eye shadow. Mascara for miles. Lipstick. And glitter in my beard.

Whatever I am, femme is part of it. And its not about pleasing the world. Its about pleasing myself, and living fully.

A dude with glitter in his beard.

Technorati Tags: gender, gender presentation, identity, memories, queer, sex vs. gender, trans, transgender, transition, transmasculine, what femme is

This holiday season was alternately hectic and relaxed at the same time. I spent more hours than I would have liked to working a seasonal job at the mall in a gourmet food and snack store. Of course then I brought home half the store with me every night. On days off, we would visit with friends, cuddling quietly and watching movies or comedy specials.

All this togetherness time with people I love has confirmed for me my loving of hosting great parties, and has shown me that my Southern hospitality rules are deeply rooted in my family history. Any time someone walked through the doors of our very tiny apartment, I made sure to offer them a drink and several rounds of food. But is hospitality a purely femme/feminine characteristic? Or is it just that I/we get a particularly keen sense of satisfaction when we are acting out this generous attribute? I know that I genuinely feel like I'm doing my gender "right" (of course there is no such thing as "right gender", but it makes me feel good about my performance).

Is this a characteristic that the rest of you lovely femmes value as well? Is it something unique to the south? Do you love making people feel comfortable well-taken-care-of when they're under your roof? Or do you foster a more relaxed environment where people are free to fend for themselves and take whatever they need when they need it? I'm interested, so speak up!

Technorati Tags: feminine, femme, femmes, gender, Holiday, home, southern hospitality

From The Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy

I've been thinking a lot about size in general, both big and small and everywhere in between. Chicory (who I met face-to-face and is fantastic!) and I have been conversing about it, via email, comments, and in our meeting yesterday, and inspired by Thursday's Child's Sex and Intimacy Project I want to pose some questions to all of you.

Size acceptance is coming to be an issue I am passionate about. I've forever had the same hangups as, well, just about everyone in this culture. The same negative feelings towards my size. Though it's important to distinguish between health and size, even though our society does not really view it that way. We are told that thin equals healthy and fat equals unhealthy, though I know plenty of thin people who eat much much worse than I do, and yet. But I digress.

The questions I want to pose have to do with the intersection of size and sexuality in your life. They may have no intersection at all, or you may have never thought of the intersection, but either way I want to hear about it. This may seem obvious, but the most interesting aspect, I believe, will be to see how everyone differs and what similarities there are, as well as being able to get a glimpse of the person within their answers.

Weight and size are touchy subjects in our culture, as is sexuality. Both have to do with the body and have moral judgments thrust upon them. Both are aspects of the self that are extremely personal and also that have strong cultural expectations and meanings. Both affect the way we present ourselves and think about ourselves.

The Size & Sexuality Study is a series of interviews highlighting real people’s answers to the questionnaire below. At the end of the posting of interviews (end date not known) I will post my own reactions to the study as well as my own answers, and how reading the feelings and thoughts of all these interesting and informative people has affected me over the space of the study.

Want to answer the questions? Fill out the questions below and send them to me: scarletsexgeek AT gmail DOT com

In order for these interviews to be what I would consider successful I need you to be completely honest. This is about real people talking honestly about their bodies and their sexuality, recognizing what society tells us about our bodies and recognizing how that affects our own ideas about how we should or should not act. If you wish you thought one way but really think another I want to hear that, not just what you wish you thought.

The focus of these questions are not just on large/fat/plus-sized women, I'm interested in answers from everyone of all sizes, all genders, all sexes, and so on. If you want to answer them, please do!

Feel free to skip any of the general info questions you are not comfortable answering, but please do answer all of the others. The more in-depth the answers the better, but in-depth and lengthy are not always the same thing (though they can be).

General Info
Name (what you'd like to be called):
Age:
Gender identity and presentation:
Sexual identity:
Relationship status:
Blog/Website (if you have one):

Size & Sexuality
What size is your body (you can use dress/pant sizes, a general description, anything you're comfortable with, though remember that not all terms mean the same thing to the same people.)?
How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
How important is sexuality to your life?
How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Anything else you would like to add?

Feel free to ask any questions you may have in the comments or via email, but please don't answer the questionnaire in the comments. sizeandsexuality AT gmail DOT com

I have already started posting the interviews:
One: luna[KM]
Two: icecoldbath

-Scarlet Lotus

Technorati Tags: body, fat, gender, identity, sex, sexuality, size, size acceptance, society, women

I'm betting at least SOME of you read my original post on the Femme Spiral -- the Femme's answer to being pegged as straight women, and the ying to the Butch blue star's yang.

My former partner knew how much it meant to me to get it...but sadly, I'm broke, and can barely afford food, none the less tattoos.  She's a massage therapist, and for my Channukah present, she decided to trade massage work with her tattoo artist, but instead of inking herself more, she'll be letting me get my Femme Spiral. I met with the artist today, and will be going under the needle tomorrow. I am ridiculously excited!

Here are some concept ideas I gave to the artist for MY spiral (best thing about the spiral idea? You can do whatever you want with it; crop circles, nautiluses, DNA, etc):

Obviously, I wanted my spiral to be of the more ornate, and slightly organic type. I'm so psyched for tomorrow.

However, this concept only works if other people hop on board with me.  So I invite you all to join the Femme gang, and show your colors by getting your very own Femme Spiral on your wrist.  You'll know about the secret symbol, and can explain it to others, if you care to, and help boost our gang membership.  

Of course, I'd never suggest someone who doesn't want a tattoo go get one. But if you've been thinking about it, and wanting to, here you go. I'm putting a call out to all Femmes - design and get your own Femme Spiral tattoo!  And if you're anti-tattoo, sharpie works too.

If you *do* get one, I'd love to see pictures. I know I'll be posting mine!

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butch, Essin' Em, femme, femme spiral, gender, gender presentation, tattoos

Recently, I've started meeting more queer people who seem to "get" the concept of Femme.

And it's bloody nice, let me tell you.  I mean, some of the time, I feel a little silly or awkward; the other day, a transman offered to help me into my coat, and I kind of stared at him like "what am I supposed to do? OOOOH, my put my arm into the coat. Gotcha!"  But after the fact, I was thinking about how much I appreciated it.

Another circumstance was chatting with a cute Butch I met in New Mexico when I was at Pornotopia.  We were texting the other day, and she was saying that if she came to visit, she'd pamper me the way that a Femme deserved.  I asked her what that meant...I mean, what the hell DOES a Femme deserve? And what IS pampering?  Let's just say it involved getting the bloody hell fucked out of me, a lovely hot shower and massage, and breakfast.

I've struggled a lot with the concept of chivalry, and lately, have thought (and written) a bit about how I'm so much more ok with it in the queer community than I was before I came out.  And slowly, step by step, I'm realizing what a turn on it can be to have people to whom I'm attracted open doors, pull out my chairs, help me into my coat, etc.  No, I'm not high maintainence, but I am a Femme, and I love it.

And is there anything wrong with that?

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butch, chivalry, Essin' Em, femme, gender, queer, realization, trans