Define Femme.

Now stop. Did you define YOUR femme-ness, what femme-ness looks like to you, and how you embody it? Or perhaps what femme looks like or is in those femmes that you happen to be attract to? Or did you happen to come up with a definition that embodies all Femme?

If you chose the latter, please tell me, because I'm having a hell of a time.

I feel a bit like Justice Stewart, when he spoke of obscenity and said "I know it when I see it." But it's true. Femme is just one of those terms that happens to be incredibly hard to pin down, incredibly hard to define, and I've been trying for years.

I hate when people define Femme and include clothing as part of it; lipstick, heels and pencil skirts do not a Femme make. Can a Femme WEAR lipstick, heels and a pencil skirt? But of course. But is it a requirement for the definition? Certainly not.

Then I got in the habit of defining it by attitude, by Femmitude if you will. There is just a certain fiesty-ness, a certain sass that Femmes possess. We give it out when we feel invisible, showing people that we have our own identity and please stop grouping me in with the other straight girls/women here, thank you very much. We have it in how we interact with our love interests, our partners, our lovers.

But how do you define that attitude? And what about people full of that sass and attitude and vitality that aren't Femme/femme-identified? How can attitude be the only definition of an entire identity.

Femme is so many things, and one of the best parts is that it is so many different things for so many different people. I find myself re-examining my own Femme identity all the time, and I've identifed as such for a good few years. I've identified as being part of a Butch/Femme dynamic, and as a Femme on my own, and as a Feisty Femme and a Kinky Femme, and an Invisible Femme, and a Disabled Femme and so much more. And if I can barely figure out and pin down my own identity, barely figure out out what Femme means to me, and define it for myself, how the heck could anyone ever try to define it as a whole, for all the Femme-identified people out there?

So you - yes you. How do YOU define Femme? For yourself, and for others. How do you definie it as an identity? What makes a Femme a Femme....or is it just the magic pixie dust covering all of us?

-Essin' Em

***I've already written a lot about finding my Femme identity and coming out as a Femme in various settings, so I've chosen to write about the struggles I have with the definitions of my own identities on a regular basis***

Technorati Tags: define femme, femme, femme dyke, femme identity, gender identity, how do you define femme, queer femme, queer identity, what does femme mean, what is femme, who am I

Oh Femme's Guide. I've been so delinquent posting. Mostly I started seeing less and less of you when I got it on with my own blog and then... well, you all know how the New Relationship Energy goes. You forget about the other blog for awhile. But I haven't forgotten about you, I'm still here, just not finding new content to post here. It's a dilemma, for sure. How do you make the old group blog feel special while still devoting your attention to your new primary?

However, I did just start a new blog feature which I am super excited about sharing. Yeah, yeah, this is totally like taking your old date on a double date with your new partner. It's true. But let's just be open and poly about it and I'm sure you'll like this. Agreed? HussyRed will totally back me up on this.

In the last few months, I have read and heard a lot of musings about Femme that begin with sentences like "There's an unspoken expectation that Femme means consumerism" and "Femme is more than how many labelwhore handbags you own" and on and on about how Femme is so much more than spending money.

I find statements like this troubling. Partially because I think when people make arguments against "unspoken" anything, they're making assumptions, usually out of insecurity. Assumptions and insecurity are the kryptonite of community building and connections. I also find it annoying because I think it's falling into the WASPy* notion that we can't or shouldn't talk about money.**

The part of being Femme that I've found to be the most rewarding are the DIY*** aspects of putting yourself together. I haven't known any other way to be Femme.

When I came into Femme, I came into it knowing lots of people who shared their resources. When I compliment someone on their make-up, for example, usually I get a response like "Thanks! It's MAC blah blah blah" or "It's wet n wild blah blah blah can you believe it?" Or if they didn't offer where they bought something, and I wanted to know, I'd just ask. I've never had anyone bristle at the question and it's been a great way to piece together my sense of style.

As fat girls, especially, since plus size clothes are so much harder to find than clothes under size 14, it's always been my fat femme sisters who told me where to find things, how to modify things to fit, how to wear things to make them flattering, and most importantly, how much stuff costs!

Femme cannot be bought. Period. But the process of putting together a style that makes you feel comfortable in your skin does sometimes take some scrapiness and bargain shopping. I love bargain shopping--I call it Femme Hunting. Half the time the process of getting together an outfit is fun in and of itself.

So it is in this spirit of opening dialogue about Femme Hunting that I present my new blog series: Girl You Look Expensive****. I'll find a fierce fat femme, interview her about her outfit and post it here. The idea is how you can look fierce and fashionable without spending a lot of money.

My top was free. Like, really, really free. It's a t-shirt that I got at a Divabetics event at ReDress and then altered. My skirt is from Torrid via ReDress and was, like, $9. My shoes are glitter peeptoe flats and were a whopping $5 on sale at Payless. My bangle and ring are cheapie H&M. My earrings were $12 and are the most expensive piece in this ensemble. I bought them from a fierce young Black womyn artist on 125th Street in Harlem.

There are folk who are constantly talking about how femmes are totally materialistic and into consumerism and how it's rare and special for a femme to have a budget, be eco-friendly, diy-fierce, or even poor. That idea is really classist, all on its own. It makes the assumption that all femmes have the resources and income and desire to spend small fortunes on their wardrobes. It makes the assumption that femmes who have fierce things spend a bunch to become that fierce. Untrue.

I am lucky that I live in New York City and have cheap and fashionable clothing resources available to me. As a femme of Color, I also have a shit ton of pressure imposed upon me to dress and carry myself in a certain way (clean and poised). I have the privilege to dress as funky as I want, have natural hair, and still be seen as human in the POC and queer communities. Julia Starkey's essay "Fatness and Uplift" is a great resource about the cultural standards imposed on Black womy/en, especially when we are fat. Read it.

I also refuse to judge other femme's priorities. Most of the Femmes With Money that I know are super humble and generous. And crafty and aware of their privilege.

I have a great balance of cheap and pricier items in my wardrobe. My friends and I don't brag about how much our fierce crap costs or about silly brands, that just isn't how our community works.

Places I love to shop because I'm young, fierce, fat, and poor:

ReDress NYC (Duh! Fierce fierce FIERCE)
AJ Wright (Great deals on handbags, shoes, and dresses!)
GirlProps (Cheap and cute accesories)
Etsy.com (Handmade goodies, totally worth $1 or $100)
H&M (I'm fat, but I swear by their jewelery and I know lots of plus size folk who can fit into their stuff)
Payless (But only during BOGO)
DSW (I love the purple sale tags....)

Taureret is starting a Radical Fatshion Zine. There's a group on FaceBook if you are interested in joining and donating your skills!

*Defined by urban dictionary here. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=waspy
**In this society, as women, as queers, as folks who don't have access to making a lot of money, it is really important that we get rid of the tendency not to talk about how we manage our money or how we make our money. A lot of us just don't have skills or weren't raised in households where we were taught how to do that, or know any other way but living paycheck to paycheck. Let's be real, a lot of us don't have the option of doing anything but living paycheck to paycheck, but even some of us who do have an abundance don't know how to manage it. When you have to get creative with money, that's when having an open dialogue with community members is really helpful--about bargains, work arounds, making do and mending.
***Do it Yourself.
****Named for Jenna Riot's AWESOME song of the same name. http://www.myspace.com/jennariotmusic

Technorati Tags: activism, Bevin Branlandingham, clothing, coming into femme, Craft, fashion, fat, fatshion, femme, femme clothing, femme identity, femme sharks, femmes, gender presentation, money, nyc, people of color, queer, queer fat femmes, real life, sewing, size, size acceptance, thrift, what femme is

Lifted here from Sinclair, so many of you have probably already seen it, but just in case...

Sinclair says: "I’m told she already has about half of her subjects, but needs more, and that the majority of the women she’s interviewed are in their 50s and 60s. C’mon, twenty- and thirtysomethings, represent!"

RESEARCHER LOOKING FOR LESBIAN AND BISEXUAL WOMEN TO INTERVIEW BY PHONE ABOUT BUTCH/FEMME IDENTITIES.

Lesbians and bisexual women have used the terms “butch” and “femme” for over one hundred years but the meanings of these terms are vague and complex. I am looking to interview women about what butch and femme means to them, including women who don’t like these terms or don’t use these terms. I will focus on women in specific age groups (20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and over 50), those who are single and in relationships, in rural and urban settings, and from diverse ethnic and racial groups. I will ask interviewees the following questions:

• Describe what the terms “butch” and “femme” mean to you. What are some characteristics of a butch and a femme woman? How important or valuable are these terms to you?
• How are conceptions of butch/femme similar to or difference from conceptions of masculine/feminine?
• How do you think your lesbian/bisexual communities view butch and femme? Is there a difference between lesbian and bisexual women in how butch or femme they are or supposed to be?
• How do you think mainstream heterosexual society views lesbians or bisexual women that are butch or femme? How are butches versus femmes accepted by families of origin, in the workplace, as mothers? Are hate crimes directed at women based on masculine appearance or attributes?
• How would you describe yourself in butch/femme terms? Has your self-identity about being butch/femme changed over time? In what ways? Are there situations where you feel more butch or femme? What are they?
• Do you currently have a lover? Describe your lover in butch/femme terms. How is this similar to or different from previous lovers? Are you attracted to women based on certain physical or personality characteristics? If so, how are these related to someone being butch or femme? How is being butch or femme related to sexual activity?
• Describe which household tasks you and your lover do, and who does which tasks. (If children) describe which childcare tasks you and your lover do, and who does which tasks.
• How does being butch/femme fit in with feminism? With being queer? With being transgender?
• In what ways are conceptions of butch/femme related to power and control?
• Is there anything else you want to say about butch/femme identities and roles?

Please email me at erothblu@mail.sdsu.edu and let me know something about yourself and how butch/femme identities figure in your life. Thanks for your interest!

Esther Rothblum, Professor of Women’s Studies, San Diego State University

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, comm, femme, femme identity, identities, identity, research, study, university study

Cross posted from Queer Fat Femme.

My Femme "aha" moments still happen, almost ten years after coming out as Femme. Just in the last 6 months I've discovered the lasting effects of revamping my lounge wear.

I'm a draglesque performer who has a huge stash of lingerie, but mostly really fancy stuff for stage use only.

Example of stage use lingerie from the Femme Mafia Masquerade in Atlanta. I like to have my Femmeceeing gigs to contain a "lingerie course" whenever possible.

I've never had a partner who cared for it. More than one long-term partner said to me "I prefer you naked", which broke my High Femme heart. All I ever wanted was to be that vixen who comes walking into the room wearing a surprise frilly something or other*. Of course, it was a nice sentiment and helped my fat girl ego to have lovers who loved my body without accouterments, but I am still a fan of frill and accessory. I'd like to think that my ideal mate would like me equally naked and in lingerie just as they liked me equally in and out of make-up.

Last summer I started discovering the magic of vintage lingerie and wearing it as outerwear. Once Deb started selling stuff for Re/Dress (before the brick and mortar store opened) I had a hook-up for vintage lingerie. Here's me last summer wearing a swiss dot nightie and a miniskirt.

I can't wait for the weather to be warmer so that I can start wearing that again on the regular.

My friend Molly used to tell me all the time when I complained about doing housework, that she did it while wearing lingerie. It always seemed so weird to me. First of all, I like to be supported when I am walking around, which generally meant a bra, and I had so long associated t-shirts with "comfy" that it didn't occur to me that anything else qualified.

Whenever I catch Molly randomly on skype, I am treated to lingerie. That's her enormous cat.

I decided to start challenging the notion that I had to save my lingerie for occasional and brief visits from suitors** and wear it around the house for my own benefit. Now, I'm not really talking about crotchless nothings or underwear that wiggles down as soon as you walk two steps, I'm taking cute camisoles with a little bit of support in them (Target $15.99), vintage lingerie, frilly robes and the like. I have to say, it's totally revolutionized how I feel at home.

The robes they made in the sixties look like they wouldn't make any difference, but they're totally warm because they don't breathe at all. Probably flame proof, too.

This is a "live from the Femme Slumber Party" picture of Rachael and me while I was on gaycation at her house for the Masquerade. That's her "Don't fuck with me" face.

Rachael's partner Steph, the Gay Dr. Phil and Purveyor of all Things Down Home Texas Wisdom told me I looked like her grandmother in the sixties. I took that as a compliment.

The best part, though, is that I feel totally glamorous and cute, even when I'm just sitting around in my house. Probably one of the greatest things I picked up at this year's fat girl flea market was this long grey dressing gown that has a plunging v-neck (killer, yet supported cleavage) and is floor length. It's also super soft. Leah told me it looked like I was going to receive royalty, not just make up my guest bed for her.

For a girl who loves dress up, dressing up in loungewear is really fun. Like putting on a full face of make-up and doing up my hair even when I'm in a foul mood, wearing fancy loungewear makes a huge difference for me.

If you're a t-shirt and sweats at home femme, more power to you. But if you love getting dressed up, don't wait for a partner to okay it for you. Do it for yourself.

*Though, to be fair, I do this on stage so it's not really that big of a deal. And it matters more to me that I do it as a political act than as an occasional treat for a paramour.
**I enjoy the feel of me in lingerie against a butch in a ribbed white undershirt better than pretty much anything.

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, burlesque, butches, fashion, fat, fatshion, feminine, femme, femme clothing, femme identity, gender presentation, makeup, queer, queer fat femmes, real life, sexy women, what femme is

Cross-posted on Femme Fagette here.

Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom. - from femmethology.com

This month of April marks something I've been waiting for quite some time: the Femmethology virtual blog tour! Today is lucky enough to be my day, and so I'm sharing some of my feelings and insights related to the Femmethology. Visit Daphne Gottlieb tomorrow for her day, and all the sites at the bottom of the post on their days.

First, a little about the Femmethology:
Visible: A Femmethology

Femmethology is essential—a roadmap of Femme Nation, an index, an anthropology, a manifesto, and a googleology. - Dorothy Allison

Visible: a Femmethology is a two-volume anthology of essays revolving around femme identity.

I've been discovering and embracing my multigendered identity lately, but in that multigendered identity there is a solidly femme identity as well, which these books helped me remember.

Not that I had forgotten my femme identity, I just had been focusing more consciously on my fagette identity than my femme because it was new and in a way easier to focus on because it's more visible (though only slightly). The identities in no way are opposites, they are complimentary, but they are also different. Reading through the Femmethology in a way re-connected me with my femme identity.

The biggest benefit of the Femmethology, in my opinion, is that it helps remind us that we are not alone as femmes. While some of us have many femme friends and a wonderful support system the rest of us do not and we have to navigate the world without much reassurance and reminders that there are so many of us out there feeling the same things. This is one of the reasons I started The Femme's Guide in the first place, to emphasize that there are many of us out there, and while we're all different we are also all the same.

I was moved many times throughout the two volumes. There were authors I knew well or moderately well, from various avenues such as Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, and Tara Hardy. There were many other authors that I didn't know anything about, but I was able to get to know something about them through their stories.

Many stories touched me to the core, rocked me, and left me dazed and contemplating my own stories and my own identities.

I feel that Visible: A Femmethology is not just a book or anthology meant to be read, though it certainly is that as well, it's also a look into each of these femme's lives and voices, an adventure into different types of femme-ininity and different experiences that all somehow are similar because of this identity we all embrace and inhabit. It shows the vastness of femme while also showing what unites us.

It screamed "you are not alone" to me right when I needed it.

From the Introduction to the anthology: "Femme means I won’t compromise on complexity. ... Above all, my femme is not your femme, which is the good news. ... Femme means my sexuality, my partner choices, my definitions and my gender presentation might not match your labels."

You can order Volume 1 and Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.

You can also hear Sinclair Sexsmith reading his Love Letter to Femmes!

Check out the blogs below on the associated dates to learn more about the Femmethology volumes:
4/1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
4/2. Ellie Lumpesse
4/3. Queer-o-mat
4/4. CyDy Blog
4/6. Catalina Loves
4/7. cross-post: The Femme’s Guide and Femme Fagette
4/8. Daphne Gottlieb
4/9. Bilerico Project
4/10. Screaming Lemur: Femme-inism and Other Things
4/13. The Femme Hinterland
4/14. Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing and The Vagina Adventures
4/15. Dorothy Surrenders
4/16. Miss Avarice Speaks Her Mind
4/17. The Femme Show
4/19. Sexuality Happens
4/20. Queer Fat Femme
4/21. Sublimefemme Unbound
4/22. Tina-cious.com and Jess I Am (butch-femme couple day!)
4/23. FemmeIsMyGender
4/24. The Lesbian Lifestyle
4/25. Femme Fluff
4/26. Weldable Cookies
4/27. The Verbosery
4/28. A Consuming Desire and Creative Xicana
4/29. Queercents
4/30. en|Gender

Technorati Tags: anthology, art, body, book, books, butch, CommUNITY, definitions, fagette, femme, femme identity, femmes, gender, gender presentation, identities, labels, lgbt, multigendered, queer, sexuality, Sinclair Sexsmith

i've been thinking a lot lately about the way that femmes are so often defined and recognized by proximity to their relationship to a “more visible” partner or date.  now, this is not new: we femmes spend a lot of time talking about invisibility, how to be and show off femme without a partner who "outs" us, what it means to “pass” when you don’t want to, how femme is not the "opposite of butch" but a thing all of it's glorious own.
but lately i've been thinking about it even more and in a more complicated circumstance than what i'm personally accustomed to: my current partner is a straight, 'factory direct' man, and we live in a place where queer folks are very, very, very under represented.

now, negotiating my femme self, and my queer self, in this situation is something that has been difficult in ways that are at times crushing and at times very freeing.  certainly not having a community present makes things more difficult because there are very few places i feel that i am accepted and recognized as a queer femme.  however, more than this, i have found that the community i *do* have has a really hard time negotiating my relationship and my identity, to the point of people (some I know, some I don’t) questioning my queer femme identity.

now from some people i expected this.  i've been out as queer to my family since i was 16 and this is the first straight person i've ever dated (of any gender).
my grandparents: so happy! (he's catholic, but you know, no one's perfect).
my parents: while not as openly jubilant, it was the first time anyone i've dated has been invited to spend holidays with us.  i don't think they've made such an effort to like someone i'm dating since... well, ever.  i always thought they'd be glad i'd never get pregnant on accident (like they did) but apparently birth control and potential abortions are far less scary than diesel dykes.

but from some people in my community in which queer has always meant "do it loud and with glitter" i have found a certain amount of resistance.
ok, not resistance.  outright non-acceptance of both me and my partner.  I’m not sure if it’s because my partner is straight, if it’s because he doesn’t speak fluent English, if it’s because we live so far away that daily or even weekly familiarity with our relationship isn’t possible, or if it’s simply because there’s no gossip like queer femme actually  (gasp) dating a straight guy.  maybe it’s all of this or maybe it’s none.  I’m honestly not sure.

i do know i should have seen this coming.  i have seen bisexual folks treated like the bastard at a family reunion enough times to know that, for some in the big gay rainbow, anything resembling or approaching bi = traitor, confused, trying-to-pass, newly out, etc.  ironically, all things i have heard said about femmes (in general) as well.  but i can't speak to a bi-femme experience, i only realise now what a lot more i've got to learn as a queer femme experiencing what i'm sure is only small slice of bi-hating-heaven.  not only because of the relationship i'm in myself, but also in general: in the past i was *so* sure i would never date a person that would call my queerness into question that i think i allowed myself to largely pay lip service (instead of real, concentrated thought and respect) to the experiences i heard bi folks talking about.

the frailties of youth.  maybe i thought, well, i'm not bi, i'm queer, and i've always said love comes from where it comes.  i was, i admit, thinking that might be more in the way of me falling for a femme than a straight man, but what can you do?  the fact is, when someone lights you up and makes you feel like your heart can grow wings and trail fairy dust, you don't ignore that (or i don't, anyway).  likely it was my own way of trying to protect myself, too, from a lot of bi-phobia that is always around.  i admit i was never really an outspoken defender of bi-femmes in the past, and that is something i regret and have changed.

now, i said that in reference to bi-femmes and this is where i get to my real point.  i have known a few butches and many trans men who admit to being bisexual or queer in a way that encompasses straight folks as well.  moreover, in conversations about theoretical situations i have heard more than one person, more than one femme, state unabashedly that a butch and a straight man would always be a queer relationship, because the butch would (visibly?) queer it.  a trans guy dating a straight girl, these same people say, could be queer if the trans guy was queer, or straight if he's straight id-ed too.  maybe people assume that a straight man dating a butch person or a trans masculine person would HAVE to be a more accepting straight person to be--what?  attracted in the first place?  i'm not sure, but i know there is a key in what we assume about the appearance and appeal of femmes, and the resulting interaction with the straight world.

...which leads me to question where any of that leaves a femme (any femme) who is in a relationship with a straight person.  if a butch or a trans man automatically queers a relationship, why are femmes so easily considered straight-acting?  why is it always implied that, because we are femme, we are also clearly not out in our relationships and to the world, no matter who our partner is? moreover, isn't that playing into the same old bullshit that a lot of femmes get about trying to pass, not 'looking' queer or gay or lesbian or... enough?  yes, there is something to be said for the politics of “passing”, even when it is unintentional.  but what about how we act?  is a “visibly queer” person inherently more likely to be out in their words and actions?  or is appearance the full sum of our parts? to assume that my femme-ness makes me likely to cheerfully slide into a nice straight role in nice, straight relationship is both hysterical and wildly misguided, and I know I’m not the only femme that’s true of.

on the other end of the spectrum, if a femme is made "straight" in a relationship with a straight man, shouldn't the same be true if anyone, femme/butch/trans/none-or-all-of-the-above dates a straight person? i think it is fair to say that a large majority of the butches and trans-masculine people i know have messed around with straight women.  so, if a straight man makes me and my relationship 'straight', shouldn't a straight person do the same to those who date them, of whatever gender?  is that the power of straight folks, that they magically convert whoever dates them into the same thing?

of course not.

and believing that is, in reality, policing someone else’s identity by making it dependent on the opinion of others.  ever been told “it’s just a phase” or “you haven’t met the right ____ yet”?
yeah, exactly.

moreover it's unfair to say that anyone dating a straight person in a gender combination that is normally considered a heterosexual relationship is therefore IN a heterosexual relationship.  in my opinion, if one person identifies as queer (or bi or lesbian or gay or... etc), the relationship is not straight.  maybe it's not queer either, but it's sure as hell not fair for anyone outside of the relationship to decide either way.

in the end, i'm not even sure what the end is.  bi-phobia, phobia of lgbq (etc.) people dating straight people, fear of losing community, fear in general is rampant in our communities (some more than others).  and, while i have few answers or solutions, i think what it comes down to from my femme perspective is this: femmes are constantly fighting against being defined, valued, recognized, honored or ignored based on who they are with. i would think, because of that, femmes should be able to recognize that of the many femme identities and possibilities that exist, none of us should be making rigid definitions based on who we date.  ideally, we should be honoring femme identities, and trying to understand rather than judge from fear.

after all, maybe you'll never date a straight man, or maybe you'll fall in love with one tomorrow.  maybe you'll wake up one day and realise your partner has become one, maybe you'll wake up one day and realise you've become one.  maybe you date straight women who refuse to be out about your relationship, maybe you've only ever dated lesbian nation, lambda-earring-wearing, separatist-community-living, womyn-lovin-womyn.  you still get to define your own identity, you still decide what femme means to you, how you live it and how you love it.  and no relationship can take that away, or change you just out of the capricious behavior of relationships.

femme, to me, has always meant freedom.  and that means free to have your femme identity recognized, honored and upheld, even if you reinvent it every day.  femme is who we are, completely ourselves, and nothing less.

Technorati Tags: bisexual, femme identity, queer

Correct me if I'm wrong. I have compiled some of the ways that femme queers femininity for my Queer Theory term paper. I'm trying to think of some personal experiences that contributed to my development of a femme identity... Here are some of my answers to the question, "How does Femme Queer Femininity?"Femme is for Everybody: Answering the question, “How does femme queer femininity?”
Point 1: Femme queers femininity by expanding eligibility, making femininity an inclusive label, rather than an exclusive one.
Traditional femininity has been so strictly policed by society that only a choice few people have been given access to the character trait, “feminine.” People who are not female, people who are overweight, people who have unusual characteristics (like shortness) and dominant, aggressive women have been largely ineligible the traditional label of femininity. Femme, however, is for all people, regardless of sex, physical characteristics or personality styles. In my own life, specifically post-puberty, I had a hard time earning the label of femininity because of my shortness, my larger than average body size, and my general disinterest in boys.
Point 2: Femme queers femininity by involving participants in making and breaking rules of appearance, rather than abiding by previously established rules.
As with queerness, femmeness can be defined by its resistance to definitions. Feminine women have very strict rules defined by the times in which they live. Whether they choose to live by them is another story, but they may compromise their access to the label “feminine” (and the associated privileges) if they do not live by the rules. Femme (as a queer identity) encourages rule breaking! Femininity is mostly defined by the rules that society has provided for it, while femme is characterized by the people who call themselves by that name. If someone says they are a femme, then that is what a femme looks like, but this is not the case with mainstream femininity. Conversely, just because a person calls themselves feminine (in the traditional sense of the word) doesn’t mean that society will agree with them. I personally like acting out femininity, but I gave up on it for many years because I could never succeed as a feminine woman. Now that I understand femme as a transgressive, queer character, as femininity with a twist, I find it as the most appropriate label for the gender that I choose to express. I’m feminine, but I’m not what society thinks I am.
Point 3: Femme queers femininity in that the femme’s audience is defined by her, rather than by the mainstream culture.
A feminine woman without queer leanings may find that her audience is all men without her consent (since non-queer femininity by definition caters to the pleasure and comfort of men). On the other hand, a queer femme lesbian can reject men’s ideals for her femininity altogether, and choose to perform her gender for herself and for her other queer companions. Drag queens may actually have a formal audience for their drag performances, or their intended audience may be fellow drag queens. There is a wealth of audience options for actors of the femme role. As far as I am concerned, my audience right now is the butch and femme culture that I became part of when I was first coming out. At other times in my life, my audience has been my peers, or it has been authority figures. But I feel the best about my gender in the context of butch and femme.
Point 4: Femme queers femininity by being intentional rather than by being the default mode of operation for female-bodied people.
Femme takes into account the performativity of gender. It is not simply resigning oneself to femininity because one is female, rather femme is an intentional performance, where the actor takes the role of femininity for herself, rather than bothering to earn the rights to it. Even queer or lgbt women may do “femininity by default” – this is not femme, even though it is a gender style performed by queer identified people. Femme is queer when it is for fun!

I intend to take account of my gender development through seven periods of my life: 1. childhood; 2. pre- and early teens; 3. freshman/sophomore; 4. junior/senior/college freshman; 5. USF through 2005; 6. Missionary School (2006); 7. Leaving missions / coming out.

Theory

I would like to address the concepts of (1) Gender Accountability (the "rules" of gender expression) and (2) Gender Performativity (as in, gender is something you do, not something you are, necessarily). You know I said above that femme is defined by its resistance to definitions, but that may not be true, now that I think about it some more. Appearances are only very loosely defined by a feminine slant, although one could say that it is almost a feminine "drag," a caricature making fun of femininity. I actually think that personality is indeed defined by a number of character traits as follows. Femmes are (or tend to be) women who are bold, strong and independent, who do not take anyone's bullshit, who makes a path where there is none and appreciates diversity. Femme takes an activist role, she is an agent in her own destiny and she believes in the power of love, forgiveness, compassion and the care of others after the care of herself. Femme is also defined historically and presently by an association to queer butches and butchness).

That's all I have so far, and that's about 2.5 pages! The stories should hopefully fill up the other 7.5. Eek!

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, coming into femme, definitions, feminine, femme, femme identity, gender, gender presentation, lesbian, queer, society

I've just sat down to write the rough draft of my term paper about becoming femme. The problem here, is that I'm not really sure how I became femme. I mean, I'm sure that there are a number of factors that contributed to a femme identity, but it didn't just hit me over the head one day. Right? It's a process starting from birth, continuing throughout one's Western (or otherwise) enculturation. I'm asked to write an autoethnography, where I study the effects of society upon me. So... what moments in my life created a favorable atmosphere for me to become femme? What moments in your life made you the way you are?

One of the most important things that I think actually lead to my femme gender was the fact that I grew up in conservative, interdenominational Christian churches. These organizations send a very clear message that sexuality is bad, unless it is between a man and a woman who are legally married to one another. I would venture to say that femme indicates a woman who freely expresses her sexuality. Also, within mainstream Christianity, women have very distinct roles from men's, and femme is not one of them. Even though there are heroines in the sacred text that display femme behavior, these figures hardly come up in teaches. You'll hear more about Mary, the virgin (asexual) mother of Jesus, than you'll hear about Queen Esther's predecessor as head wife, Vashti, who was banished for refusing to parade her naked body around at a party for the King's buddies. Is Mary any more holy or laudable than Vashti?

Growing up as a girl teenager in The (white, capitalist patriarchal, heteronormative) Church, you'll find yourself constantly reminded that your body is an instrument of sin. If your clothes are too revealing, if your pants don't meet your shirt at your midriff, if your makeup is too flashy, you could be labelled a harlot, regardless of your good or bad intentions. As a female, it is your responsibility to protect all men from your body (isn't this why women are blamed for rape?) by dressing appropriately, and not acting sexually. They've tried a number of ways to convince me that it is only out of common courtesy that we help our "brothers" to keep from sinning over our lewd, luscious, lascivious, lovely bodies but I am so far not convinced that it is my fault or responsibility. Part of my femme identity is a rebellion from this notion that I'm at fault when men have inappropriate sexual fantasies about me, or any other woman. It is absolutely inexcusable to promote this kind of hateful, oppressive belief. hmph!

Needless to say, I tried my best to suppress my femininity, and hide my curves from about age 12 to 22. But what the Church didn't understand was that my plain, unfeminine (un-anything, really) appearance did not save me from the immature, sexually frustrated young men in my classes. In my junior year trigonometry class, the (old, white, heterosexist, patriarchal, etc.) instructor refused to move the student who would sit in front of me every day. The young man tried to talk to me all the time, distracted me from the lesson, disrupted the class, and said lewd things to and about me. This went on for most of the entire fall semester. I think I blocked it out of my mind, because it did not cross my thoughts for a long time afterward. This happened just after I left the art school that was "making" me gay, I was at a new school across town, trying to figure out how to pass as a heterosexual woman. I had all that baggage, and here comes along this 17 year old boy to make it painfully clear that straight or gay, appearing sexual or not, I was always going to be subject to the scrutiny of men.

But I became femme before I really even knew what it was. Maybe the moment that it was really solidified was last summer, sitting alone upstairs in my borrowed bedroom (I was sharing a room with a friend who was traveling abroad) surfing YouTube and I ran across the 1971 segment of "If These Walls Could Talk 2" where Amy and Linda meet by chance at a butch-femme dive bar. Hah! I think I realized I was very much a sub/bottom when I saw their sex scene. That cocky smirk simply did me in.

Maybe it was the proliferation of butch voices in my life when I came home from the missions organization where I used to live. My very good friend Kay, and several of her friends are masculine identified females. I knew that I was somehow different from them, and I delighted in the way that we exchanged support be performing our butch and femme roles for each other. She always called me a femme, and I resisted the notion because I thought it meant being picky, prissy, whiny, and not at all resourceful or able. But somewhere down the line I realized that femme was powerful... and I just fell into the role. I delighted in playing my part because it didn't feel like an act. When I came out (when I came back from the missions field) I remembered that femininity is not just for men. It is also for women and for myself.

So. What events in your lives lead you to a femme identity? Or a butch one? Or any other gender?

Technorati Tags: butch, femme, femme identity, gender, identity, religion, thoughts

Hi. My name is Essin' Em, and I'm a Femme.

I've now identified as a "Femme" and as femme for a year and a half, maybe a little more.  It's been a hard journey...first reconciling my ideas of feminine vs. femme, and then figuring out what it all meant.  Being with different partners. Being on my own.  It's hard to figure out your own identity when you're living it, as it morphs and changes, and you are trying to pin something down that is constantly moving and shifting, as your life moves and shifts.  I have had some trouble being a femme.

This past spring, I was finally over J enough to start going out to the dyke bar in Philly, and to the month queer party.  I'd go, I'd dance on my own, I'd eye cute women, and try to get their attention.  I'd fail. And I'd go home alone and depressed.  There were not many Femmes in the scene....self identifed lipstick lesbians and andro dykes seemed to rule, with a few exceptions.  And I was a self-made Femme, not one wearing a jean skirt with boots, a bandana tied around my neck. I did not fit in.

Then I went to Dinah Shore.  This was my second year, and I had high hopes. The first year, I had my first time really being fucked by someone queer, and they were the one that helped me to realize my Femme identity. I was looking forward to FINALLY having someone "get it."

But alas, I went to a different Dinah party at a different hotel. It was much trendier, much more LA, much more "skinny women in bikinis." Even the butchier looking women were wearing eye liner and high heels. The only fellow Femme I found (with her Butch partner) was in her 30s or 40s.  I felt very alone, although still cute:

I came back disappointed and sunburned. I was finally figuring out MY identity, and no one wanted me.

I spoke a bit with Sinclair about it, who said that I needed to figure out my own way of hitting on people, of being me, and if people didn't like it, well then, fuck them (or not as the case might be).  I tried to get up more courage, but it was hard.  For all I am an outgoing person, I don't know how to flirt, and I certainly do not go up and approach people I think are cute.  But I tried.  

One night at the club, I went up to a woman and said "I've been trying to think of a reason to come over here and flirt with you, but I can't, so I'll just ask; would you like to dance?" She looked shocked, told me her name, shook my hand, and told me she'd love to, but was leaving.  I said ok, went back to the dance floor. She was there at least another half hour - it would have been nicer for me if she'd just told me I wasn't her type.

I tried a few more times...in different (yet always slightly awkward, because that's who I am) ways to chat up people I liked.  Nothing. I was beginning to feel like nothing would ever work, and I was destined to be a lonely Femme forever.

Then I met a woman after a derby bout - a friend of a former player.  And I saw her again at the next after party, and we danced.  And then we dykes from the team went to another club, and she came with, and we danced.  And I saw her while dancing a few days later, and asked her to go for a walk with me.  She did, and we chatted about the most random things.  A few weeks later, I took her home from another derby after party, and she invited me up. Good things happened.  And then 3 days later, I moved away from Philly.

Once in Colorado, I decided to start afresh. I'd just practice flirting with anyone I found remotely attractive.  I mean, I wasn't established here yet - it didn't really matter what people thought of me.  I had all the time in the world.

The third day here, I was getting a new license at the DMV. I'd been waiting about two hours, and then someone walked in, wearing headphones and a shirt that said "it must be my boyish charms."  I wasn't sure how they identified, but said person sat down right in front of me.  "Damn," I thought, "how am I supposed to try to make eye contact from BEHIND them?"  I sat for a moment, and thought WWSD? (What Would Sinclair Do?)  I had no idea. But I did now what Sinclair would tell ME to do; not to sit there doing nothing, but to do SOMETHING proactive. So I did. I got up, and sat next to said hot person.  Who paid no attention, and was listening to music on the iPod.  I was already halfway there, so I figured in for a penny, in for a pound.  I tapped their shoulder. "I love your ink - I'm new here. Where did you get it done?" And so the conversation began. And then we wound up going on three dates, and became good friends.

There was the girl at the dyke bar.  I was waiting for the Team Gina concert, and she was there, an Ace card tattooed on her forearm, playing with a deck of cards.  I was killing time, and had nothing to lose. "So what significance do cards have in your life?" I asked because I wanted to know. By this point, I was done trying to figure out the "right way" to flirt. Since then, we've hooked up twice, and have become each other's therapy buddies.

I think my best "self made Femme" moment happened about two or three weeks ago. I was out dancing with my current friend-with-benefits' sister and her friend. And guess who showed up? The aforementioned woman from the DMV. (Welcome to Denver - you thought the NYC queer scene was incestuous?) I had decided to dress up all 80's for the hell of it (I do things like that):

Let's just put it out there; I looked ridiculous. And I really didn't care...something to do with having been a theatre person.  Anyways, I was dancing, having fun, and then walked outside to cool off with the person from the DMV. I step outside, and see someone out there who I think is pretty damn hot. And what do I do (keeping in mind I am stone sober)? Do I try to think of a smooth pick up line? Do I try to finagle my way into her conversation? Oh no no no. I walk outside, look her up and down once, and say "well, damn. You're pretty hot, just so you know."

Oh no I didn't. Oh yes I did. I *am* ridiculous at times (also, keep in mind I was wearing the above, PLUS a giant faux fur cow coat).  Anyways, turns out she'd been chatting with DVM person, so I let them go back at it.  Eventually, I heard cute woman say "I'm from Albuquerque."  I tell her that I'll be there in a few weeks for a feminist porn film festival, and hand her a card, telling her she should come with if interested.  She kind of gave me a frightened deer in the headlights look.  I stuck around with the group for a bit, being my usually feisty self, and then we parted ways.  And then nothing.

Until last weekend; I received a text from an unknown number. It was that woman from the bar, wanting to know if I was presenting/teaching in New Mexico. I told her I wasn't right now, that I'd be back for that, but that I'd love to do dinner, or have her come with to the festival, dot dot dot, etc. She texted back that I should live life, and do both - dinner and the festival.  A few more texts (she told me she had wheels, when I pointed out I was flying in), and boom. I have a date for this weekend apparently.

Crazy. For more than a year in Philly, I struggled with my identity, and trying to be myself as people ignored me.  Yet I've been in Denver about four months, and in that time, I've gone on more dates than I have the entire last two years.  I've hit on random people in random places, and gone out and/or had sex with five of them.  There is a Butch who works the ladies night at a local club. I'd kind of hit on her a while back, and then didn't hear much, so put her out of mind. The other night, my friend-with-benefits and I went, and she was working. She told me she'd missed me, and that this was a pleasant surprise, and so on. I told her that I'd deleted her number, since she'd stopped texting and calling me, and that I'd leave the ball in her court.  I was feeling pretty feisty, and didn't feel the need to flirt or suck up, or anything like that.  Oddly enough, the next morning, she texted me, telling me how it'd been so nice to see me.

So maybe it's Denver. Or maybe I've stopped caring so much about what other people think, and I've finally come into Femme. I am being myself, my femme self, and it just so happens to be working for me.  Either way, I'm finally accepting of and happy with my identity, my presentation, and my behavior. And so what if I'm awkward and have no filter? I'm also quite entertaining, intelligent, and a freaking saber tooth tiger in bed

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: coming into femme, femme, femme identity, gender, gender presentation, queer

I was talking in my kitchen the other day with F, the woman I'm fucking/seeing/having an amazing time with. I'm not quite sure what it is that I said, but I was talking about my Femme identity.  She said something about not knowing quite what a Femme was, but that she was sure she wasn't one, because of how she acted/dressed/etc, the lack of make up often, and so on.

I tried to explain that for me, I created my own Femme identity. I don't own stilettos (never have, never will), and I wear the hot pin up heels I have very rarely, due to 3 knee surgeries and ankle injuries. I am allergic to pink, and own 1 pink sex toy, and there is pink on my "fuck you" purse.  Otherwise, I live a pink free lifestyle. I *just* bought my first foundation ever, and I only wear lipstick if I am dressing up in a 50's rockabilly style, or for a photoshoot. I LOVE to shovel snow and to cook (in nothing but a leopard print apron!). I can check my oil and tire pressure, and change a tire, and I am amazing at doing interior design. I like to bottom, I like to top. I like being dominant and submissive. I have long hair and wear cute fucking underwear, but sometimes like to sleep in boxers and a t-shirt.

I am a Femme.  I like Butches, I like transguys, I sometimes like other Femmes, and I like undefined people as well.  I have created this identity for myself. I am a Femme. Not the same Femme as Hussy or Scarlet or Miss Avarice or Catalina or or or or or.  I am my own Femme. Femme is what it means to me, and no one can take that away from me.

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, definitions, femme, femme identity, gender, gender presentation, identity, queer