Cross-posted from my review site. It's super long, and there are lots and lots of screenshots (below the cut), apologies if it's too long for anyone, but hopefully it's at least easy to skim.

Hard Love & How to Fuck in High Heels is a two-for-the-price-of-one DVD from Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour by their production company S.I.R. Video Productions. It was the 2001 AVN Winner of Best All-Girl Feature and is a DVD I've been lusting after for almost that long.

I remember walking into the Babeland here in Seattle many many years ago and seeing a display of queer porn including this DVD and one of their other productions Sugar High Glitter City (review coming soon). Immediately I was drawn to it, a budding femme at the time, and I longed to buy it but I was broke at the time. It's been on my mind many times since that day so long ago, but I never got around to picking it up, until now.

I've only recently become aware of the many wonderful porn companies out there who are, as S.I.R. Video proudly proclaims, "100% dyke produced." My other two porn reviews are of similarly queer productions and I enjoyed them immensely.

Shar Rednour wrote the book on femme (quite literally in fact--she wrote The Femme's Guide to the Universe) so I knew these movies would be full of butch/femme goodness, and I was not disappointed. Both films were very much butch/femme based, and How to Fuck in High Heels shows us femme in a way that's unusual to see (but not unusual to happen): Shar Rednour is the ultimate femme top.

In both Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels all the dildos are made by Vixen Creations, and when we watched it Marla and I were trying to figure out which toy was which. Some of them look specially made in gorgeous marbled colors like pink and black, teal, brown, and black (which is gorgeous), and blue and white; others are solid colors like black and hot pink.

Also, gloves are used for digital penetration, dental dams are used for oral sex, and condoms are used for anal penetration, which is wonderful to see in any porn.

Read the rest of this entry »

Technorati Tags: babeland, butch, butch/femme, butches, dyke, femme, femmes, images, Movies, porn, queer, review, Reviews, sex

Lifted here from Sinclair, so many of you have probably already seen it, but just in case...

Sinclair says: "I’m told she already has about half of her subjects, but needs more, and that the majority of the women she’s interviewed are in their 50s and 60s. C’mon, twenty- and thirtysomethings, represent!"

RESEARCHER LOOKING FOR LESBIAN AND BISEXUAL WOMEN TO INTERVIEW BY PHONE ABOUT BUTCH/FEMME IDENTITIES.

Lesbians and bisexual women have used the terms “butch” and “femme” for over one hundred years but the meanings of these terms are vague and complex. I am looking to interview women about what butch and femme means to them, including women who don’t like these terms or don’t use these terms. I will focus on women in specific age groups (20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and over 50), those who are single and in relationships, in rural and urban settings, and from diverse ethnic and racial groups. I will ask interviewees the following questions:

• Describe what the terms “butch” and “femme” mean to you. What are some characteristics of a butch and a femme woman? How important or valuable are these terms to you?
• How are conceptions of butch/femme similar to or difference from conceptions of masculine/feminine?
• How do you think your lesbian/bisexual communities view butch and femme? Is there a difference between lesbian and bisexual women in how butch or femme they are or supposed to be?
• How do you think mainstream heterosexual society views lesbians or bisexual women that are butch or femme? How are butches versus femmes accepted by families of origin, in the workplace, as mothers? Are hate crimes directed at women based on masculine appearance or attributes?
• How would you describe yourself in butch/femme terms? Has your self-identity about being butch/femme changed over time? In what ways? Are there situations where you feel more butch or femme? What are they?
• Do you currently have a lover? Describe your lover in butch/femme terms. How is this similar to or different from previous lovers? Are you attracted to women based on certain physical or personality characteristics? If so, how are these related to someone being butch or femme? How is being butch or femme related to sexual activity?
• Describe which household tasks you and your lover do, and who does which tasks. (If children) describe which childcare tasks you and your lover do, and who does which tasks.
• How does being butch/femme fit in with feminism? With being queer? With being transgender?
• In what ways are conceptions of butch/femme related to power and control?
• Is there anything else you want to say about butch/femme identities and roles?

Please email me at erothblu@mail.sdsu.edu and let me know something about yourself and how butch/femme identities figure in your life. Thanks for your interest!

Esther Rothblum, Professor of Women’s Studies, San Diego State University

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, comm, femme, femme identity, identities, identity, research, study, university study

Cross posted from my blog, the Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

Zoe and Tara and I decided to head to Toronto for a crazy Femme adventure and somehow fate landed us each a hottie to have as a date on NYE. Despite our burgeoning Canadian trysts, we had an amazing Femme bonding weekend*. We went to a women's only spa called Body Blitz, lounged in their salt pools, hot tubs and saunas for a few hours for only $35 Canadian! We ate brunch, our favorite meal, every day at a new place. We got to indulge in one of our favorite activities, sexcapade redux on the road trip home, as it is rare that the three of us are getting it simultaneously.

During our trip we plotted out the details of our Golden Girls retirement home. You see, our plan is that we are each others' life partners, and we intend to retire someplace warm (I oppose Florida because humidity is not a friend to my thick tresses) and to seal our bond we are going to adopt a new last name. This last name is an amalgamation of all of our Femme Besties' last names put together, O'LowErlelisshamwinsonsonlee-Murphy. Rolls right off the tongue! We can't wait for the telemarketers to get a hold of that one.

I had a big crush on the Toronto Hottie I hooked up with, who I propositioned for a make-out ahead of time with a clever Facebook message. Rendering me shy is the sure sign that I am monstrously attracted to you, and even though I've known Toronto Hottie for years, I'd never mustered the gumption to flirt with her and thought the Facebook proposition was the surest way to overcome my shyness.

The proposition was very well-received. She was even better, nicer, and more talented than I had thought, and we connected in a way I crossed my fingers might be more than a one night fluke. A couple of sweet text messages on my ride home, and a few dirty Facebook emails the following weekend told me the chemistry was still there. It took a week to muster up the courage to ask her for a phone date. Or rather, a week and Zoe's Consiglierie insistence "JUST TEXT HER AND ASK". Our phone date was the same night, three hours long, I got off the phone and my cheeks hurt from smiling.

There's just so much to talk about and I have a lot of fun even on the phone with her. Since I'm funemployed, I've got a lot of extra time on my hands these days, thus much more traveling flexibility, as I can look for a job using the internet even in another country. Anyway, it didn't take much beyond her first couple jokes of "You should come visit next week" for me to seriously ponder this as a possibility.

I debated this pretty hardcore for the better part of a day. In some ways it seemed very practical--a fact-finding mission. Did we have chemistry beyond the first date? Was she as fabulous as she seemed and was she more than just a friend? Could she make the amazing deviled eggs she promised? Naima answered the practicality for me. "Bevin, the way I see it, there is nothing more sane than traveling for good sex."

I got further support from my friend Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. "I completely support you traveling to the Dot** for Unicorn Dick."

So I drove my Prius up to Toronto again and had a really great date. I learned a lot about her and had a lot of fun in all the best ways. The sex was still amazing and so was hanging out an watching our favorite movies.

The next few weeks and follow-up visit have had me thinking a lot about Unicorn Dick in the context of the Queer Fat Femme lifestyle. Anyone who has done the dating thing as a Queer Femme knows how hard it is to find someone that embodies the killer combo of personality, looks, chemistry, smarts and timing.

I asked Leah to define Unicorn Dick further, and here's her dispatch:

"Unicorn Dick is lust and sexual skill. It also refers to the almost mythological perfect butch/trans guy cock / love / brain package that we often believe is as rare as a Unicorn Dick. When we find it, we can sometimes go insane, elevate the degree to which which value it above our life and our girls, and try to hide it / protect it / get crazy over it / everything in the world pales next to the Unicorn Dick.

This is unhealthy and is counter to the Femme Shark principle of 'His dick is not gold plated, but you goddamn well are.'"

It's hard to avoid a scarcity mentality when you find something you don't come across very often. As in, you want to absorb as much as possible because you're afraid it won't come around very often. But it's important to remember that if the Unicorn Dick is worth it, s/he is going to realize how crucial your besties are to you and support your priorities. Further, if you're a badass Queer Fat Femme, you can't become any less badass to please someone. In past relationships I usually deferred to the sensibilities of my partner because sometimes I was "too much". I remember Zoe reminding me when I was broken up with my ex, John, how much he held me back. I'm not doing that again.

You can get excited about Unicorn Dick but you can't let your inherent amazingness suffer. Because, ultimately, Unicorn Dick won't hold you up the way your inner strength does or your besties do. Maybe over time, maybe when things develop Unicorn Dick becomes part of your support system--but even then it should be part of it and not everything. I know from losing the man I thought was my forever how crucial it was that I kept my friendships strong. Even when I didn't even have the resources to get up off my kitchen floor while I was crying, I knew I could call someone to be there with me while I fell apart.*** That's what besties are for.

The reason why my Toronto trip was so wonderful wasn't just because I got laid or uncovered Unicorn Dick like a lusty archeological dig, it was because I was having such an amazing time with my closest friends. And you can't let years of friendship suffer because you find something shiny.

While I remain very excited about this Unicorn Dick, I'm still letting things unfold and in a data gathering phase. I enjoy the time we spend together, am appreciative of our connection and the chance to learn more about her and have great sex when we can make time for one another. Leah calls this attitude a "Zen Buddhist slut move". But what I'm really grateful for right now is the support of friends like Zoe. Knowing I have been having a really horrific unemployment/housing situation right now, Zoe sent me the following love letter.

"dear Bevin [a femme love letter]

sometime around spring 2002 i went to see this philly drag troupe perform and watched wistfully as all these hot [thin] femmes performed on stage alongside the kings. and i so wished to be one of them but i knew that as a fat girl, i wasn't good enough to do so. and then you came out and you unhinged my world in ... Read Morethe best of ways...

7 years later you are one of the best BFFs a girl could ask for. not only did you help me get on that stage myself (and so many wonderful, crazy, lascivious, hilarious adventures ensured), but you have been there for me through the good, the bad and the downright fucked up, steadfast in your love and loyalty.

over the past 7 years i've watched you grow and change and unfold unto the fucking dynamo badass force of glitter, muppety smiles, cheer, snark, wit, glamor, smarts, performance art, social hub and social change that you are. and you did so even through serious strife and hard times. i am so fucking proud of you.

one of the things that so amazes me about you is not only your ability to stay strong and positive and to focus on your joy in the midst of bullshit, but to be able to ask for help and reach out when times are hard and when you need support.

and so i just want to remind you, openly and here on facebook and for posterity, that i will always be there for you, by your side, whether it's on stage in matchy-matchy glittery outfits, holding your hand through hard times, or being next to you on the couch, cuddled up next to you and laughing while you torture me by playing Bob Seger songs on repeat.

you are an inspiration and you are my heart.

golden girls forever.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Z"

It is my wish for all Queer Fat Femmes that they find the kind of community, love and support I've found with my QFF besties. It's really the most special, magical thing you'll ever find--even more magical than Unicorn Dick.

*We were having such a great time Anna hopped a $70 flight from NYC to join us. She did not hook up on NYE but is pretty much awash in pussy in her new social circle in Portland, though technically still single and looking for dates.

**Why do people call Toronto "T Dot"?

***This happened to me again recently, for reasons not related to romance.

Technorati Tags: Bevin Branlandingham, butch/femme, butches, CommUNITY, dating, fat, fatshion, femme besties, femme sharks, femmes, friends, queer, queer fat femmes, sex, transgender, unicorn dick

Correct me if I'm wrong. I have compiled some of the ways that femme queers femininity for my Queer Theory term paper. I'm trying to think of some personal experiences that contributed to my development of a femme identity... Here are some of my answers to the question, "How does Femme Queer Femininity?"Femme is for Everybody: Answering the question, “How does femme queer femininity?”
Point 1: Femme queers femininity by expanding eligibility, making femininity an inclusive label, rather than an exclusive one.
Traditional femininity has been so strictly policed by society that only a choice few people have been given access to the character trait, “feminine.” People who are not female, people who are overweight, people who have unusual characteristics (like shortness) and dominant, aggressive women have been largely ineligible the traditional label of femininity. Femme, however, is for all people, regardless of sex, physical characteristics or personality styles. In my own life, specifically post-puberty, I had a hard time earning the label of femininity because of my shortness, my larger than average body size, and my general disinterest in boys.
Point 2: Femme queers femininity by involving participants in making and breaking rules of appearance, rather than abiding by previously established rules.
As with queerness, femmeness can be defined by its resistance to definitions. Feminine women have very strict rules defined by the times in which they live. Whether they choose to live by them is another story, but they may compromise their access to the label “feminine” (and the associated privileges) if they do not live by the rules. Femme (as a queer identity) encourages rule breaking! Femininity is mostly defined by the rules that society has provided for it, while femme is characterized by the people who call themselves by that name. If someone says they are a femme, then that is what a femme looks like, but this is not the case with mainstream femininity. Conversely, just because a person calls themselves feminine (in the traditional sense of the word) doesn’t mean that society will agree with them. I personally like acting out femininity, but I gave up on it for many years because I could never succeed as a feminine woman. Now that I understand femme as a transgressive, queer character, as femininity with a twist, I find it as the most appropriate label for the gender that I choose to express. I’m feminine, but I’m not what society thinks I am.
Point 3: Femme queers femininity in that the femme’s audience is defined by her, rather than by the mainstream culture.
A feminine woman without queer leanings may find that her audience is all men without her consent (since non-queer femininity by definition caters to the pleasure and comfort of men). On the other hand, a queer femme lesbian can reject men’s ideals for her femininity altogether, and choose to perform her gender for herself and for her other queer companions. Drag queens may actually have a formal audience for their drag performances, or their intended audience may be fellow drag queens. There is a wealth of audience options for actors of the femme role. As far as I am concerned, my audience right now is the butch and femme culture that I became part of when I was first coming out. At other times in my life, my audience has been my peers, or it has been authority figures. But I feel the best about my gender in the context of butch and femme.
Point 4: Femme queers femininity by being intentional rather than by being the default mode of operation for female-bodied people.
Femme takes into account the performativity of gender. It is not simply resigning oneself to femininity because one is female, rather femme is an intentional performance, where the actor takes the role of femininity for herself, rather than bothering to earn the rights to it. Even queer or lgbt women may do “femininity by default” – this is not femme, even though it is a gender style performed by queer identified people. Femme is queer when it is for fun!

I intend to take account of my gender development through seven periods of my life: 1. childhood; 2. pre- and early teens; 3. freshman/sophomore; 4. junior/senior/college freshman; 5. USF through 2005; 6. Missionary School (2006); 7. Leaving missions / coming out.

Theory

I would like to address the concepts of (1) Gender Accountability (the "rules" of gender expression) and (2) Gender Performativity (as in, gender is something you do, not something you are, necessarily). You know I said above that femme is defined by its resistance to definitions, but that may not be true, now that I think about it some more. Appearances are only very loosely defined by a feminine slant, although one could say that it is almost a feminine "drag," a caricature making fun of femininity. I actually think that personality is indeed defined by a number of character traits as follows. Femmes are (or tend to be) women who are bold, strong and independent, who do not take anyone's bullshit, who makes a path where there is none and appreciates diversity. Femme takes an activist role, she is an agent in her own destiny and she believes in the power of love, forgiveness, compassion and the care of others after the care of herself. Femme is also defined historically and presently by an association to queer butches and butchness).

That's all I have so far, and that's about 2.5 pages! The stories should hopefully fill up the other 7.5. Eek!

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, coming into femme, definitions, feminine, femme, femme identity, gender, gender presentation, lesbian, queer, society

So this idea has been bouncing around in my head for some time now about the differences between butch and femme, and who's the protector and who's the protected. Butches talk so much about how they love to put their arms around a girl and it makes them feel strong, it gives them a sense that they can use their chivalry to protect and cradle her in the ways that she presents her feminine gender. Yet at the same time, femmes talk a lot about protecting and supporting and holding up the female masculinity of their butch/ftm friends and lovers by performing their femme gender in such a way that makes masculine people feel strong. So who's really protecting whom? Given these two facts, it definitely seems like femmes and butches who purposefully associate with one another are really leaning on each other. When one gets weak, the other is there to lean harder against her counterpart to prevent her from falling down. It's a delicate balance. Neither is stronger than the other, neither is more capable or ready to meet the world than the other. It seems to me that we face the world together, holding each other's hand for confidence and balance.

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, butches, femme, gender presentation, transmasculine

Here we go again...

I was hanging out at one of the alternative lifestyle forums I frequent and the post titled FUTCH popped up...and it didn't make me thrilled...and I wasn't even one of the ones asking WTF? Maybe you, as I was, watched when Dani Campbell, one of the contestants on MTV's Shot at Love with Tila Tequila said "Futch." She explained it meant someone who is neither feminine nor butch, but a cross between. My eyes rolled.

Maybe you love the word...maybe you hate the word. My question is, "Do we as a community not have enough labels to describe ourselves? Lesbian, Butch, Femme, Stem, Stone Butch, Lipstick Lesbian...I could go on. Okay, one more: Gayelle.  (Why anyone would want a change of label to this happy, pleasant sounding word is beyond me, since Lesbian has history. Lesbian the word coming from the Greek island Lesbos where the first recognized "homosexual woman" was presumed to live...and where she wrote her many love poems to other women from. Perhaps you've heard of her: Sappho. Maybe not, since she lived about 600 B.C.

So, as much as I'd love to turn this into a label rant...I won't...I will go back to the forum discussion that ensued wherein someone claimed that a Dominant Femme was an Oxymoron. Seriously. Forget eye roll, I laughed out loud! Then I laughed some more.

When did Femme come to mean soft and cuddly and vulnerable and submissive? When did someone add to the label rule book that Femme meant a woman who couldn't be strong, capable, independent? Assertive? Demanding? Dominating?

Either I'm confused or the label creators are...

The Femme history that I know is one of a powerful woman, willing to stand out from the norm. Consider the era. Lesbianism first became very public in the 1940's (yes, there were obviously lesbians pre-1940 but for the sake of this post...I want to keep it semi-current.) If you were a woman in 1940, you were a housewife, a nun, a spinster. Or you were a rebel. An outsider. Someone who could be beaten or killed for being Different. Someone who had to be willing to be Tough. Hardcore. In Order To Survive The Times.

Why 1940? In Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers, Lillian Faderman recognized that this was when women were first admitted to bars (in the U.S.) without a male escort. As a consequence, the outsiders developed ways to recognize each other. Some (Butch/Dyke) women women adopted male styled clothes and short hair which conflicted starkly with their feminine peers, others (Femme) women exaggerated their femininity with daring red lipstick and seductive dress. Paired as Butch/Femme couples, they resembled their heterosexual counterparts but because of their exaggerated representations brought attention for the first time to the Lesbian Subculture.

In Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold, Elizabeth Lapvsky-Kennedy and Madeline Davis wrote that gender identities "were the key structure for organizing against heterosexual dominance." Gender identities born from their heterosexual models: if Butch equalled Aggressor and Protector then Femme found importance as Seducer and Pillars of Strength.

By the 1950's the Lesbian Subculture was firmly rooted making it possible for women like Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon to come out as a committed homosexual couple even though harassment and arrest were still common.

During the 1960's and 70's Lesbianism was under attack but by a new source: Feminists. With Butches accused of chauvinism and oppression and Femmes accused of enabling...the feminist lesbian strove for androgyny.

However, by the 1980's Butch-Femme came into being as post-feminist lesbians reclaimed their right to have gender. A quote from Butch-Femme.com (one of the original genderqueer websites) says it better than I ever could: "A Butch without a Femme is still a Butch, just as a Femme without a Butch is still a Femme. But how we compliment one another. And it's hot! We are about...passion!"

The 1990's brought the recognition of transgender, changing the face of the community forever...

October is officially LGBT History Month and so the past as well as the future of Femme has been on my mind. And so looking for inspiration for today's post, I went looking for Femme and found instead Futch. Why did I cringe so hard when I was reading the Forum's comments? Was it because I see myself in the term Futch? Is it because I have such a fierce aversion to any label that tries to fit me into a nice tidy category...

Or maybe it is because I fear what this new century is bringing to the table as our future's history. Are we really so confused that we have to coin a new term seemingly every day to define ourselves...or by creating new labels are we enabling ourselves to truly live our lives authentically? I sincerely hope it is the latter ... for me, I'm just happy that today I am able to say I am Bisexual. I am Femme. And no one is going to throw a brick at my head.

So, as much as I would have loved to have ranted about labels, I hope instead that this post encourages at least one to do some research into the history of our roots. And in writing this post I am given the opportunity to say thank you to all of those beautiful Femmes and Butches who came before me...for their Strength and Courage and Determination to make the path I walk one that is easier than the one they walked.

Thank You.

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, femme, lebian history, lgbt, LGBT Month

Can A Femme Be Butch Too?

I’m sitting here on my couch – okay, futon – belly full of awesome Thai food, agonizing over the fact that it’s been too long since I’ve updated my portion of TFG, then agonizing even more over the fact that I cannot think of a single thing to write. Talk about a brain explosion.

Then it occurred to me. Maybe I’m thinking too much inside the box. Of course, can there be a box when we’re discussing such things as the genderqueer identity, gender fluidity, and the deliberate turn away from rigid, binary gender rules? In any case, I was restricting myself, which is ridiculous because I don’t restrict myself in my everyday life when it comes to my gender – or lack thereof, not biologically speaking of course. While I do identify as a femme, there is still a part of me that feels a little butch. Even more so, perhaps, because I identify as a tomboy-femme.

Maybe there’s a little butch in every femme.

And why shouldn’t there be? If we’re so opposed to rigid gender identification, enough to declare ourselves femme in lieu of adopting the heteronormative “feminine,” why wouldn’t we also accept that we can also be butch? Maybe not predominantly, but certainly for most if not all of us, there is a little baby butch curled up inside, sporting cropped hair and a packing cock. Every now and then she – he? – ze? – wakes up and suddenly we put away our rockin’ halter dresses and peep-toe heels, put on a men’s tee and walk with a little less sway to our hips.

But at the same time, maybe that’s part of what the term “femme” connotes. Maybe by adopting “femme” instead of “feminine,” we are giving an unspoken acknowledgement that there is a baby butch inside, curled up and mostly dormant but still in existence. Because in essence, that is what “femme” is all about. “Femme” is a genderqueer identity, so in theory a femme would be embracing all genders by default, even if she doesn’t actively embody more than one or two.

So can a femme be butch? Well, isn’t she at least a little bit just by embracing the femme identity? And can’t she every now and then be a little more tomboyish, or butch? That’s the beauty of these identities; none of them are permanent or incapable of change. These identities are not labels; they’re orbits to which a woman can gravitate, inhabit for a while, then disengage to float off to another orbit. And why not? After all, we inhabit quite the diverse gender galaxy. Might as well explore the reaches of this new frontier!

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, femme, gender

I was talking in my kitchen the other day with F, the woman I'm fucking/seeing/having an amazing time with. I'm not quite sure what it is that I said, but I was talking about my Femme identity.  She said something about not knowing quite what a Femme was, but that she was sure she wasn't one, because of how she acted/dressed/etc, the lack of make up often, and so on.

I tried to explain that for me, I created my own Femme identity. I don't own stilettos (never have, never will), and I wear the hot pin up heels I have very rarely, due to 3 knee surgeries and ankle injuries. I am allergic to pink, and own 1 pink sex toy, and there is pink on my "fuck you" purse.  Otherwise, I live a pink free lifestyle. I *just* bought my first foundation ever, and I only wear lipstick if I am dressing up in a 50's rockabilly style, or for a photoshoot. I LOVE to shovel snow and to cook (in nothing but a leopard print apron!). I can check my oil and tire pressure, and change a tire, and I am amazing at doing interior design. I like to bottom, I like to top. I like being dominant and submissive. I have long hair and wear cute fucking underwear, but sometimes like to sleep in boxers and a t-shirt.

I am a Femme.  I like Butches, I like transguys, I sometimes like other Femmes, and I like undefined people as well.  I have created this identity for myself. I am a Femme. Not the same Femme as Hussy or Scarlet or Miss Avarice or Catalina or or or or or.  I am my own Femme. Femme is what it means to me, and no one can take that away from me.

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, definitions, femme, femme identity, gender, gender presentation, identity, queer

Cross-posted from Essin-Em.com

Hussyred posted something last week (2 weeks ago?) about how we came into our Femme identities, and who/what has contributed to them. I've written slightly about this before, but here is my time to say my thank yous. Lady Brett Ashley did hers in the form of an acceptance speech. Mine will be similar, but with more explanation, and less pizazz. I'm not known for my pizazz.

Thank you to those who helped me discover and nurture my Femme identity:

*The person at Dinah Shore 2007. We were in my room, regaining energy after round 2 or 3 or 10 of sex, and they looked over at my make up and hot iron strewn across the vanity. "You are such a Femme."

"What? No, I'm not!" My concept of Femme was the same as hyper feminine, lipstick. I rejected the social construction of required femininity. "I don't usually wear heels, I don't even OWN foundation, I'm allergic to pink. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Femme is not all that. Femme is an attitude. You have a Femme attitude."

"I most certainly do not." Hands on my hips, I looked like a large feline, eyes flashing slightly dangerously.

"And there is that attitude right there. Femme isn't a bad thing. I *like* Femmes. They're fucking hot."

And then we fucked again. For another few hours. And the next day. On the plane ride home, I contemplated the concept of Femme. Someone more on the feminine end of the spectrum, but "doing" femininity in her own way. An attitude, not an outfit. And so my journey as a Femme began. Thank you for helping me open the door to my Femme-ness.

*Sinclair Sexsmith. Sinclair is brilliant. And hot. And it's not secret that Sinclair is at the top of my "Butches I'd like to fuck" list (yes, I have a list). And my "Bloggers I'd like to fuck" list. Hell - people I'd like to fuck in general. Anyways, reading Sugarbutch.net really really really helped me to process the identity and concept of Femme. There was so much to Femme, as much as any other identity. Sinclair made me look at my own identity, and helped me to "create" MY version of Femme. I may not wear stilettos (hello 3 knee surgeries), I may loathe pink, and I've certainly never had a manicure in my life. However, when I get all put together, eye some hot Butch at the club, and use a snarky line, I always think of the amazing amount of influence and guidance Sinclair has provided. Thank you to Sinclair for helping me discover so much of all of my identities.

*J. My ex, J. J really brought out the Femme in me sometimes. He'd show up in a button down and a tie, and I wanted to look so hot that he'd not be able to stand it. I wanted to be so hot that he'd fuck me before dinner, after dinner, and at times, during dinner. I would do my hair instead of leaving it curly and down. I'd put on make up, and pick out a sexy outfit. And then he'd call, saying he was outside, and I'd stand framed in the doorway, watching him look me over, and damn it, I'd feel so bloody hot. One time, I had on a 50's style strapless dress, and black thigh highs. We'd just gotten back into my apartment, and he went down on me, under my dress, while I was trying to stand up and keep my balance, rolling my stockings down slightly. The fact that I could look so attractive, and be so sassy that someone would want to have me right then and there? That's part of my Femme attitude (Femmitude?). I'd let him open my car door (something I'd NEVER let anyone do before), I'd let him wait for me to sit...I began to re-examine my idea of chivalry in a new context. So a big thank you to J on that.

*K. We really didn't talk that much about my idea of being a Femme...we had other things to cover. One day, we were moving through a big crowd of people, and he just grabbed my hand and led me through. It was incredibly hot...yet something I couldn't imagine having found attractive a year or two ago. Not a Femme thing per se...although it influenced me somehow. But I remember one day, I was at his place, and he told me he'd walk me out. I looked at him oddly; it didn't seem like the time of thing he'd do, and I commented on it. He told me that I just seemed to bring it out in him. I hugged him goodbye, and as I drove home, I thought about it. In the year that I'd been playing with the idea of being a Femme, I'd gone from hating people holding doors, opening doors, lending me their jackets, leading me through crowds to feeling empowered and getting turned on by it. When I met people I was attracted to, my femmitude totally came through...I would wait for a door to be opened, letting them go first. When I shook hands, I would catch their gaze, and then drop my eyes first, essentially asking them to make a move. I LIKED that I brought that out in him. Thank you to K for indirectly validating my identity, and making me feel like I "worked" properly.

*The Femmes in a variety of porn (Pink and White, Fatale, San Francisco Lesbians 1-12, Working Girlz). These women really cemented the idea to me that Femme DOES NOT EQUAL weak. To me, feminine sometimes does, but Femme certainly does not. I am a fierce Femme, a feisty Femme. I have snarky lines, I am learning to flirt, I'm almost at the point where I'm able to get people to pin me up against walls and then fuck the hell out of me. Femme does not mean being passive in bed. Femme does not mean being passive in general. To me, Femme can and often does equal power. Thank you to these hot power Femmes for showing me that.

*Other Sex Bloggers. There are so many. Miss Avarice. Scarlet Lotus. Dylan. Lady Brett Ashley. Sasha Sappho. Pretty much half of Sinclair's community list. Sinclair's friend Muse, who posts comments on Sinclair's blog, and whom I was lucky enough to meet in real life. The writers at the Femme's Guide to Absolutely Everything (that is y'all!). Thank you to all of you for the comments, discussion, reassurance, new ideas, and so much more.

*Books. Books. Books. Erotica books. Academic books. Fiction books. Biographies. Memoirs. My shelves are covered with them. Thank you to all of the authors for showing me the giant spectrum of Femme, and letting me realize that there IS not definition for the label, and that I don't have to try and fit myself into some box.

I'm sure there are more influences, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Thank you to all these people and things, and to anything and everything else that has been part of the creation and realization of this identity. I appreciate you all.

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, feminine, femme, gender, identities, queer, real life, thank you, thoughts

As many of you may know, particularly from awesomeness like the Team Gina Butch/Femme Music Video, the history of the Butch identity is tied in with blue stars on the wrist.  Because of various reasons that prevented them from expressing their true identity, many Butches got blue stars tattooed on the inside of their wrists to show, in a slightly secret way, that they were queer, and identified as Butch.  Nowadays, many Butches I know and have met (and have oogled from across the room at the local dyke bar) are resurrecting this tradition, tattooing one or more blue stars upon their wrists and arms. I think this is hot, sexy, historical (which IS hot and sexy) and is awesome.

However, I think the Femmes are missing out.  As a Femme who almost always gets read as "a straight, alternative girl," I'm constantly looking for ways to out myself in conversation, so the cute Butches, bois, transmen, etc, realize that I'm queer and flirting, and just just straight and striking up conversation.  I have a glass rainbow pendant that I wear, I got to dyke bars, I slip my identity into conversations.  But why can't we Femmes have a symbol of our identity, a symbol that shows others (at least those in the know) a little about our identity.

I propose a spiral (a simple example is above).  There are many reasons; it's a basic concept, that can be changed and altered to fit the personality of each Femme getting it tattooed.  It's pretty (I *am* a Femme!). It's a simple concept, but also slightly complicated (more than a circle, or a triangle, or _____). Just like Femmes; we're a simple idea, but with a lot more depth and complicatedness behind our hottness.

I mentioned this on Sexuality Happens a while ago. I know several other Femmes that said they'd do this if I could get it off the ground.  So yeah. Who is in? Who would get a small spiral tattooed on their wrist to display and embrace their Femme identity?

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: blue stars, butch/femme, butches, femme, history, spiral tattoos, tattoos