Here we go again...

I was hanging out at one of the alternative lifestyle forums I frequent and the post titled FUTCH popped up...and it didn't make me thrilled...and I wasn't even one of the ones asking WTF? Maybe you, as I was, watched when Dani Campbell, one of the contestants on MTV's Shot at Love with Tila Tequila said "Futch." She explained it meant someone who is neither feminine nor butch, but a cross between. My eyes rolled.

Maybe you love the word...maybe you hate the word. My question is, "Do we as a community not have enough labels to describe ourselves? Lesbian, Butch, Femme, Stem, Stone Butch, Lipstick Lesbian...I could go on. Okay, one more: Gayelle.  (Why anyone would want a change of label to this happy, pleasant sounding word is beyond me, since Lesbian has history. Lesbian the word coming from the Greek island Lesbos where the first recognized "homosexual woman" was presumed to live...and where she wrote her many love poems to other women from. Perhaps you've heard of her: Sappho. Maybe not, since she lived about 600 B.C.

So, as much as I'd love to turn this into a label rant...I won't...I will go back to the forum discussion that ensued wherein someone claimed that a Dominant Femme was an Oxymoron. Seriously. Forget eye roll, I laughed out loud! Then I laughed some more.

When did Femme come to mean soft and cuddly and vulnerable and submissive? When did someone add to the label rule book that Femme meant a woman who couldn't be strong, capable, independent? Assertive? Demanding? Dominating?

Either I'm confused or the label creators are...

The Femme history that I know is one of a powerful woman, willing to stand out from the norm. Consider the era. Lesbianism first became very public in the 1940's (yes, there were obviously lesbians pre-1940 but for the sake of this post...I want to keep it semi-current.) If you were a woman in 1940, you were a housewife, a nun, a spinster. Or you were a rebel. An outsider. Someone who could be beaten or killed for being Different. Someone who had to be willing to be Tough. Hardcore. In Order To Survive The Times.

Why 1940? In Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers, Lillian Faderman recognized that this was when women were first admitted to bars (in the U.S.) without a male escort. As a consequence, the outsiders developed ways to recognize each other. Some (Butch/Dyke) women women adopted male styled clothes and short hair which conflicted starkly with their feminine peers, others (Femme) women exaggerated their femininity with daring red lipstick and seductive dress. Paired as Butch/Femme couples, they resembled their heterosexual counterparts but because of their exaggerated representations brought attention for the first time to the Lesbian Subculture.

In Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold, Elizabeth Lapvsky-Kennedy and Madeline Davis wrote that gender identities "were the key structure for organizing against heterosexual dominance." Gender identities born from their heterosexual models: if Butch equalled Aggressor and Protector then Femme found importance as Seducer and Pillars of Strength.

By the 1950's the Lesbian Subculture was firmly rooted making it possible for women like Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon to come out as a committed homosexual couple even though harassment and arrest were still common.

During the 1960's and 70's Lesbianism was under attack but by a new source: Feminists. With Butches accused of chauvinism and oppression and Femmes accused of enabling...the feminist lesbian strove for androgyny.

However, by the 1980's Butch-Femme came into being as post-feminist lesbians reclaimed their right to have gender. A quote from Butch-Femme.com (one of the original genderqueer websites) says it better than I ever could: "A Butch without a Femme is still a Butch, just as a Femme without a Butch is still a Femme. But how we compliment one another. And it's hot! We are about...passion!"

The 1990's brought the recognition of transgender, changing the face of the community forever...

October is officially LGBT History Month and so the past as well as the future of Femme has been on my mind. And so looking for inspiration for today's post, I went looking for Femme and found instead Futch. Why did I cringe so hard when I was reading the Forum's comments? Was it because I see myself in the term Futch? Is it because I have such a fierce aversion to any label that tries to fit me into a nice tidy category...

Or maybe it is because I fear what this new century is bringing to the table as our future's history. Are we really so confused that we have to coin a new term seemingly every day to define ourselves...or by creating new labels are we enabling ourselves to truly live our lives authentically? I sincerely hope it is the latter ... for me, I'm just happy that today I am able to say I am Bisexual. I am Femme. And no one is going to throw a brick at my head.

So, as much as I would have loved to have ranted about labels, I hope instead that this post encourages at least one to do some research into the history of our roots. And in writing this post I am given the opportunity to say thank you to all of those beautiful Femmes and Butches who came before me...for their Strength and Courage and Determination to make the path I walk one that is easier than the one they walked.

Thank You.

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, femme, lebian history, lgbt, LGBT Month

Believe it or not women can and do ejaculate...and women who honestly believe that they can't-can be taught how. Personally, I was once one of the latter. I thought women were peeing not ejaculating...and then...(I bet you've already guessed)...someone proved me wrong by causing me to ejaculate.

And honestly, how embarrassing to the doubter to be not only proven wrong but left laying in a puddle blushing head to toe.

So, how can you tell if you've ejaculated? The obvious sign is a gush of wetness just before or during orgasm. Some women actually produce a spray or stream...

It is my belief (now that I am a female ejaculation convert) that all women can ejaculate...

It merely takes patience, practice, and a willingness to learn. So partner up and let's get started (although for the very shy a solo run is very possible.) First comes exploration of the G-spot.

The g-spot is the spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, which is similar to the male prostate. It is located about one to two inches back from the vaginal opening inside the front vaginal wall. (The same side as your belly button.)

You can explore your g-spot with your fingers or a curved dildo. I find it easier the first time to go with fingers because feeling the difference in texture in the vaginal wall is important. The area directly over the g-spot will feel bumpy or rough compared to the smoother surrounding area. Remember, smooth fingernails and lube are important...

And really, this step by step approach is going to read kind of dry, so remember...kissing, cuddling, massaging, teasing are all assumed as foreplay before you dive in...the g-spot is much easier to find when you (or your partner) are highly aroused...*wink*

Solo Practice:

Slowly insert one or two fingers into your vagina and make a "come hither" motion stroking the front wall of the vagina. Sometimes it helps to apply pressure from the outside with your free hand. Press down in the area just above your pelvic bone while simultaneously stroking the g-spot until you are feel like you are going to pee. (Don't stop because you are getting close!) As you near orgasm, push a little and the stream of liquid that flows out is ejaculate.

Partner Play:

Face your partner while she is lying on her back and insert your index or long middle finger into her vagina about two inches. Then crook your fingers in a "come hither" motion, sliding your fingertip along the top of the vagina until you find an area that is rougher than the rest of that vaginal wall.  If you don't get an immediate response, don't panic, sometimes direct pressure from the outside is needed to find the g-spot successful...and...every woman is different. Some women need soft touches, others harder touches, that's where practice come in.

Be prepared:

The amount of liquid expelled during female ejaculation can vary from a teaspoon to a cup...and on bed sheets...that's a lot of liquid. So have towels ready. Try to not be too disappointed if on first try there is little volume...the secret is to stroke the g-spot to "plump it up" and as you do create more fluid. Again. Practice makes perfect.

If you Google G-spot or Female Ejaculation...you will get a myriad of results. What you will not find are what comes from experience...

All of that play and exploration leads to over-sensitivity and it is not uncommon to feel "uncomfortable" the next day...especially if ejaculation isn't achieved...because the fluid build up will be in that spongy area. Before I actually "learned" how to ejaculate, I thought I had a constant UTI from too vigorous play. Once I figured out that liquid build-up was the cause measures could be taken to not feel so tender and swollen. Now that I am an experienced ejaculator, if I feel that there is excess fluid it can be "milked out" with that same "come hither" motion, but usually I'll just take a couple aspirin or Motrin after extended g-spot play.

Also, if you do experience frequent UTI's make it a habit to urinate immediately after any play that involves lube and/or g-spot play.

Now it's your turn, tell me your ejaculation stories...triumphs, failures, most embarressing moments...tricks to make it easier for a first timer...

Technorati Tags: Female Ejaculation, g-spot, g-spot orgasm

I'm cranky today...maybe I should blame hormones, I did start this morning (I know TMI), but I'd rather blame the patriarchal educated society we reside in for blowing my day to hell in a hand basket.

First, I wake up to Forum Drama over censorship by moderators...whatever...I share my two point five cents and get on with my day.

Second, I open AOL and the headlines blaze Palin's Church: You Can Pray Away The Gay. I argued with myself all afternoon that I was not going to blog about it. I even had my mantra going..."I will not contribute to the negativity, I will not..."

I blogged.

Third, I went through my revision requests. I have two outstanding manuscripts that need some work before they will be accepted by their targeted publishers. I've put off the revision requests because I was a little irritated by both on first read through.

I try to wait, breathe, reevaluate. It keeps me from screaming at someone for wanting to change what I'm trying to say before I realize that I might just agree with their opinion. I've waited...a week...I'm still not convinced.

So, I wait until the day I start my period and I'm already cranky. Brilliant.

Ms 1: One of my editors hates the word pussy. She REALLY hates the word Cunt. And the word twat.

Try writing an erotica that doesn't include a reference to the female anatomy beyond vagina and labia. Really. She doesn't have a problem with dick. Or cock. Or prick. Favoring them equally with penis. And phallus.  Or at least she didn't, until she read my latest ms. Try to write erotica about two women and one strap-on and not use the word Cock (or pussy.) I need to breathe a little longer before I address that one.

Ms 2: I have been requested to turn my FF scene into a FM scene or a menage with a man (although they'd prefer a menage with two men and one woman) or flip the whole thing to MF. Why? The submission policy clearly states LGBT. I emailed back, "Can you tell me what LGBT is the acronym for?" (I know, you would never know that on occasion I can be quite the smartass.) A general discussion ensued but the final consensus is that women do not read lesbian erotica. However, women do read gay cowboy, gay vampire, and really, really love to read about a woman watching two gay men fuck...

I'll try to keep that in mind for my next ms. Or not.

It took me a moment to realize that it isn't the revision requests that are making me cranky or even that we live in a prejudiced patriarchal, fundamentalist society, or the censorship drama that actually started my day. It is that all three rolled up into a little ball is eating away at my guts.

I feel censored. (Even though I received two acceptance letters in the same week MF and MMF respectively.)

In this day when I should be celebrating my sexual liberation my sexual expression is being limited. My female characters who are strong and opinionated will never have a voice because their sexuality is seen as taboo and their love story incomplete because there isn't a man in the house. (I'm not sure what the editor read but one of my character's was packing...I'm just saying.)

But because two hot guys (Hollywood Heros) put the sexy in gay cowboys...gay is now the new cool relationship material and lesbian is just taboo. Gay erotica is celebrated. Lesbian erotica is censored, hidden away...

Ugly.

That's how I feel. That the world we live in is trying to make lesbian and bisexual erotica into an ugly, dark thing.

Well, screw that people!

I put together a new list of publishing houses. Ones that list specifically Lesbian not just LGBT...so I'll let you know how that works out for me. Until then, I'm writing what I want to write...I sure hope you'll support the cause and purchase lesbian literature every chance you get.

Technorati Tags: gay erotica, lesbian erotica, sarah palin

As my inaugural post here at the Femme Guide, I want to introduce myself...Hi! I'm Roxy Harte, erotica writer...lol. More seriously though, my goal as a fiction writer is to challenge the way people think, change their prejudices, and trample all over their boundaries. I write GLBT and BDSM erotica...usually combining the two...

This post may be offensive to some people, not because I've included adult-material excerpts (which undoubtedly will find their way into future posts), but because when it comes to my authenticity, I'm fairly vocal...

I know who I am, a bisexual Femme. I've known since my "Epiphany Day" during an ordinary Jr. High gym class in 1978 when Amie R stripped down to her skin for showers and I tripped over my jaw (which had hit the ground.) How many times had I showered naked with the other girls and not "noticed"? I was in utter and total lust.

And it was noticed.

After that, I was the outcast, the queer girl no one wanted to talk to...and after a decade of being in the "In" crowd, that hurt. But as I sat with the Principal and the female gym teacher in a conference with my parents, I refused to renounce my stance that I was Bisexual...even after counseling to dispel my confusion. The consequence  was showering solo (before the other girls through Jr High and after the other girls through High School) because no one wanted a fag in the shower room. (It was 1978...)

I made a stand at thirteen.

I've been challenged ever since.

Lesbians try to convince me I just haven't met the right woman yet; heterosexual men try to convince me I haven't met the right man yet...or beg to watch.

Please, believe me when I say Bisexuality is real! Ask anyone who identifies as bisexual. There is not an on-off switch. There is no way to ever be 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. And I'm not sure about anyone else, but given the choice to be 100% anything...I wouldn't take it. Partly, because I am really comfortable with who I am, even if I tend to make everyone else a little crazy. But partly because I feel like "my world view, my sexuality" is superior. Now, don't get all in a tissy (I already explained that I tend to make people crazy...that includes rage at my opinions).

Here's what I mean...I don't think I'm better than anyone else...just a bit more evolved. I'm not trying to fit into a gender (I identify as masculine and feminine under different situations) and I'm not trying to be either straight or gay because I've already accepted that I'm neither...and so there is no prejudice, no anger, no frustration. I am who I am and I totally accept that you are who you are because I know that whether you are gay or straight, bi or transgender...that's who you are. I can't and wouldn't want to "fix" me, so why on earth would I want to "fix" you? That's it...that's my attitude. Why can't everyone else be so kind?

I lust after men, I lust after women...I've even fallen in love with a few of each. So get over it already. Accept me for who I am.

Sometimes, I meet other bisexuals who are afraid to "come out of the closet" because they've been identified as straight or queer so long by people in their sphere that to suddenly say I might want to be with x instead of y for a while would topple their world...and most of them want to know how I'm brave enough to just be myself. Honestly, I don't know that it's bravery. It's a refusal to lie.

I have a lesbian friend who assumed I was lesbian and struggling to "come out" because I was dating a man at the time, but I clearly wasn't a heterosexual female...I told her I was Bi...she actually held her finger to her lips and shushed me. She didn't want her partner to hear the word Bi because her partner, as a very Butch, very opinionated lesbian in the community, might "go off".

Seriously?

I didn't get it...

"Because you can't make up your mind," she said. "You're afraid to come out of the closet and that makes you a clit tease."

My friend and her partner then got a dose of MY SOAPBOX...

So, for anyone who still thinks that bisexuality isn't real or needs personal affirmation. Here are a few links to various places of interest(I have dozens so if Google doesn't quench your thirst for more info...I'm sure I'll be blogging again and will be supplying more as the mood hits me.

If you are bisexual or know of other bisexual sites please feel free to comment...

Bi Net USA

BiCommunity News

BiWriters Association

Bisexual News and Opinions

Technorati Tags: bdsm, bisexual, erotica, lgbt