I dont find Sassafrass' post offensive, but read it as a brave and honest tale on life lived queerly.
I see no need for my social circle to consist of femmes in my area just for the sake of it. I believe chosing company that I am comfortable with, the lowest common denomenator not being femme or queer but human.
It is true my best friend is a straigt cis-girl BUT it's also true that she respects my lifechoice as a queer crip-femme identified woman, and what I do with that. As I respect her!

Building a wider and more including community starts with just that, respect and altruism.
I love my femme friends just as much as my non-femme ones, the bois and the cis-men around me just as much..and it has nothing to do with lables or standing up for my community.

What matters is that I respect them, their gender, their lives, their ways of loving and caring..and they respect me.

Letters and Internet communiques and the excitement of occasional in person visits are nice, but they really do not compare to the lived intimacy when you are in the same physical space. I say this as someone who has experienced the thrill and intimacy of online romance only to find that it's a whole different story when you are face to face with someone, and can't project your fantasies and own constructed image via text on the page or screen.

Sure, the relationships through letters and the Internet are real, but I just don't think such relationships that depend primarily on written correspondence have the same dimensions and (more importantly) the raw messiness as full time in person day to day friendships. Maybe it's internalized femmephobia and/or maybe just because someone is femme or (insert another ID here) doesn't mean our most intimate and fulfilling connections are going to be with like ID...

thanks for the support too- i've been a bit.... conflicted over having posted this to begin with, much of the well this just proves my point to myself about where i do and don't feel at home community wise lol. your comment made my night though.

xoxo

i'm flattered that my words from an event ( i'm assuming the femme family's first speaking of femme event a year and a half ago? i can think of no other where cupcakes were a topic of conversation) made such an impression that you committed them to memory. I don't remember exactly what was said that night, but am confident that you misunderstood me.

It's true that when asked to pick between sweet and savory i will, almost always pick savory but that certainly does not mean I don't love sweet things such as cupcakes. I'm picky about which ones I enjoy since don't like the filling on some of them here in new york

I'm really not sure where your coming from re: trappings of fat femme identity. My love and commitment to cupcakes was strong when i was a fat femme, and as i negotiate the space outside of being one, my love of cupcakes has never deminished.

I don't know what kind of front you are putting up right now. I happen to know that you are not actually fond of cupcakes or sweet treats. I know that because you wrote spoke about it at an event that I was present at in NYC. You said that you didn't like to eat cupcakes and appreciated them aesthetically (maybe you perceive them as being a trapping of fat femme identity?).

So maybe you like the idea of femmes in your life, but don't actually like them?

Femme Community, for me, are the fresh veggies (that I grew myself). I need them to stay alive and sustain myself.

I lived as a trans man for many years. To a certain level that's the community that I feel very at home within to this day, although I present my gender differently than I did at that time so I think that also plays a role.