Back when I was still coming into myself as a non-butch women-loving woman, perhaps a “baby femme” if you will, I had deeply rooted reservations regarding being the aggressor in a relationship, or even just in flirtation. I passed up many a prime opportunity, maybe even missing out on what could have been great relationships, because I when I tried to be the person who does the pursuing, I felt somehow too masculine, too butch, and of course that didn’t sit right with me.
I think that underneath it all, I was struggling with the societal norms that had been ingrained in me for all of my life. It wasn’t that my parents forced a traditional outlook on me at all, but let’s face it: the media, literature and just people we see every day in our lives, whether or not we interact directly with them, reinforce the idea that the man or at the very least the more masculine party is always the aggressor, the pursuer. Of course there is nothing wrong with the more masculine person being the pursuer, but the idea that it must always be that way was a sad and outdated concept I essentially had to deprogram out of my brain.
Slowly but surely, I am getting the hang of it. I think it helped discovering that I am kinky and have a Top side that doesn’t sacrifice my femme identity, but what’s really doing it is just becoming more and more comfortable with my own brand of femme-ininity and thus, more comfortable in my own skin. As I have grown more comfortable, I’ve started flirting with those cute butches, or hell, even the cute fellow femmes, and every positive response is reinforcement that no, I do not have to be the wilting wallflower who always waits for the other party to initiate and that yes, I can pursue who I want and still be the femme I am.
Outside of cultural programming, there is nothing inherently masculine or butch about being the aggressor. Yeah, their sexy swaggers and cocked eyebrows certainly lend a little spice to the game of pursuit, but we femmes can absolutely add our own flair and come out on top. Or on bottom. Or however we like it!
Latest posts by Danni St Athens
- The Unfortunate Tale of a Femme and a Vest - August 14th, 2011
- Tomboy Femme: Achieving Solidarity - July 2nd, 2011
- Tomboy Femme: An Introduction - June 2nd, 2011
- Reader Question: Being a Femme's Femme - July 10th, 2010
- Coming Out as Tomboy Femme - June 16th, 2010
Hi,
I have a couple of questions. I currently don't have a label yet, because I am not labeling my sexual orientation until I have a relationship with a woman or encounters in which I can completely label my sexual orientation. But for now, I could call myself bi-curious. So anyways... how would a lipstick femme flirt, attract, or approach another femme? I am having trouble finding femmes that like me. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I am very attractive, and I get a lot of guys, butches and studs approaching me, but never femmes. I don't understand how I would know that a female likes me and really if she is gay. Also,I should add that my gaydar isn't the best, but most of the time I am right, but I just don't know how to approach her once I know. For my last question, where would I go to meet femmes? Currently I live in a pretty big city in KY, and yet I have not met any available femmes. I have even went to a popular gay bar within the city and have had no luck of even seeing single femmes there....Am I looking too hard?
Y'know, I wrote about this same issue around the time I transitioned fully and just started coming to grips with my own identity as a lesbian. It's especially tricky when you're coming to grips with your identity as a woman (being transgender) at the same time you're coming to grips with a new orientation - in my case, who I'm attracted to didn't change, (women) but suddenly I went from being Hetero to Lesbian, and there's a completely different set of rules, customs, and culture for each. Just when you think you've got THAT figured out, the whole "Wait, who's the pursuer/person to make the first move?" part gets really messed up, 'cos not only does it seem to relate to that whole Butch/Femme dynamic, but for someone who's shifting genders, it can mess with your head that being the "pursuer" is too MALE and then it gets really confusing! *lol* But then, I was never the "pursuer" even when I lived as male, either. Fortunately, I've been lucky in that both of my partners (both women) made the first move on me! Otherwise, I'd probably STILL be terminally single.