As a femme I feel like I spend a lot of (justified) time talking about the ways in which I feel invisible and how my gender and sexuality is not understood by straight and queer people alike, and how different that feels as someone whose young adult years were spent presenting in a variety of transmasculine genders.
That said, I don’t think I spend enough time talking about the joys of visibility, how it feels when someone I don’t know sees me and understands who and what I am.
I’m thinking a lot about this today because on my way home from work Friday night I transferred to a train that would take me a few blocks closer to home (it was late and I was lazy) and as the crowd pushed on I found myself standing near a middle aged butch who was sitting.
I noticed her right away and as I stood listening to my ipod I could feel her eyes on me, taking in my tattoos and then she stood, looked me in the eye and offered me her seat.
I smiled politely but declined the seat. I didn’t take it because I was getting off at the next stop, though now in retrospect I wish I had even just for those few minutes, because her being there and seeing me made my day, and it was risky for her to offer that in our not so gay neighborhood.
I sorta doubt that she will ever read femmes guide but just the same I want to offer a thank you to the butch on the 2 train, thank you for the seat at the end of a long day, but more importantly thank you for seeing me.
Latest posts by Sassafras
- Farewell - May 1st, 2011
- Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme - April 16th, 2011
- Little Red Writing Dress - March 27th, 2011
- Unexpected Butch/Femme Poetry - March 22nd, 2011
- Tell-tale Signs a Queer Femme is Queer - March 4th, 2011
love this. i don't complain about being invisible cuz i know this to be MUCH easier than the opposite. but i must admit that being out and having PDA with a butch girl is thrilling beyond words for lots of reasons, not the least of which is this very reason - it makes me visible.
*shivers*.
I haven't yet had an experience like this so it really warmed my heart to hear about yours.
you know, i hate it when the more masculine/butch/ftm people in my life go all chivalrous on me - that's not a part of my femme identity (other people/a butch element to counter my femininity isn't part of my identity) and they ought to know that - but i know what you mean, about the warmth of recognition, somebody who bothers to even wonder whether you Have a sexuality, regardless of whether they decide it's queer or straight.
i think it's that moment of active thought that makes me cranky about femme invisibility, not least because it's really about the invisibility of female-bodied sexuality; i don't mind so much what a person decides about my sexuality, most of the time. i mind that they actually Make a decision, instead of just assuming i'm straight.
i would have taken the seat, i think. just as a form of mutual recognition. it's nice to have that secret language, sometimes, particularly when one feels so beleaguered and erased by the one everybody else is speaking.
I love this post! And I love these moments. I feel so blessed to live in the Bay Area where there are so many queer areas and events that I get to feel visible a majority of the time, even when I'm out by myself. It's a wonderful way to feel after having lived in places where I was invisible (or highly visible to just the sorts of people I did *not* want to attract) for so long.
This bit of the above comment interests me, "you know, i hate it when the more masculine/butch/ftm people in my life go all chivalrous on me – that’s not a part of my femme identity (other people/a butch element to counter my femininity isn’t part of my identity)." I'm certainly not here to tell anyone else how to identify or perceive things, but I personally love butch and queer masculine chivalry. I don't feel as if it's trying to counterbalance or somehow legitimize my femininity, I feel like its celebrating it and, in certain select and very special cases, serving it. All of which gives me that extra femme sparkle. <3!