19
Apr 09

Femme Lounge Wear

Cross posted from Queer Fat Femme.

My Femme "aha" moments still happen, almost ten years after coming out as Femme. Just in the last 6 months I've discovered the lasting effects of revamping my lounge wear.

I'm a draglesque performer who has a huge stash of lingerie, but mostly really fancy stuff for stage use only.


Example of stage use lingerie from the Femme Mafia Masquerade in Atlanta. I like to have my Femmeceeing gigs to contain a "lingerie course" whenever possible.

I've never had a partner who cared for it. More than one long-term partner said to me "I prefer you naked", which broke my High Femme heart. All I ever wanted was to be that vixen who comes walking into the room wearing a surprise frilly something or other*. Of course, it was a nice sentiment and helped my fat girl ego to have lovers who loved my body without accouterments, but I am still a fan of frill and accessory. I'd like to think that my ideal mate would like me equally naked and in lingerie just as they liked me equally in and out of make-up.

Last summer I started discovering the magic of vintage lingerie and wearing it as outerwear. Once Deb started selling stuff for Re/Dress (before the brick and mortar store opened) I had a hook-up for vintage lingerie. Here's me last summer wearing a swiss dot nightie and a miniskirt.


I can't wait for the weather to be warmer so that I can start wearing that again on the regular.

My friend Molly used to tell me all the time when I complained about doing housework, that she did it while wearing lingerie. It always seemed so weird to me. First of all, I like to be supported when I am walking around, which generally meant a bra, and I had so long associated t-shirts with "comfy" that it didn't occur to me that anything else qualified.


Whenever I catch Molly randomly on skype, I am treated to lingerie. That's her enormous cat.

I decided to start challenging the notion that I had to save my lingerie for occasional and brief visits from suitors** and wear it around the house for my own benefit. Now, I'm not really talking about crotchless nothings or underwear that wiggles down as soon as you walk two steps, I'm taking cute camisoles with a little bit of support in them (Target $15.99), vintage lingerie, frilly robes and the like. I have to say, it's totally revolutionized how I feel at home.

The robes they made in the sixties look like they wouldn't make any difference, but they're totally warm because they don't breathe at all. Probably flame proof, too.


This is a "live from the Femme Slumber Party" picture of Rachael and me while I was on gaycation at her house for the Masquerade. That's her "Don't fuck with me" face.

Rachael's partner Steph, the Gay Dr. Phil and Purveyor of all Things Down Home Texas Wisdom told me I looked like her grandmother in the sixties. I took that as a compliment.

The best part, though, is that I feel totally glamorous and cute, even when I'm just sitting around in my house. Probably one of the greatest things I picked up at this year's fat girl flea market was this long grey dressing gown that has a plunging v-neck (killer, yet supported cleavage) and is floor length. It's also super soft. Leah told me it looked like I was going to receive royalty, not just make up my guest bed for her.

For a girl who loves dress up, dressing up in loungewear is really fun. Like putting on a full face of make-up and doing up my hair even when I'm in a foul mood, wearing fancy loungewear makes a huge difference for me.

If you're a t-shirt and sweats at home femme, more power to you. But if you love getting dressed up, don't wait for a partner to okay it for you. Do it for yourself.

*Though, to be fair, I do this on stage so it's not really that big of a deal. And it matters more to me that I do it as a political act than as an occasional treat for a paramour.
**I enjoy the feel of me in lingerie against a butch in a ribbed white undershirt better than pretty much anything.

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

15
Apr 09

words, words, words

i've been having a hard time writing about femme stuff lately.  actually, i've just been having a hard time writing in general.  something about Major Life Changes that make me feel so full of words and totally incapable of putting them together in a way that's worth much to myself.
i've been wanting to write about balancing being femme and being "work appropriate" and it started out full of fun and clever ways of avoiding body dysphoria while shopping  for clothes (i really do have a 5-point checklist and none of it involves waiting to be wee before shopping, which was my success-proof method before).  that one is actually almost done so it may be wandering out into the internets sometime soon.
still, it's not quite ready to venture out yet.  so while wandering through the mental checklist of things you gotta do to make it through, i got sidetracked into the 'how to deal with disapproval from people who hate themselves and take it out on you' brainstorm, inspired by a co-worker who keeps telling me my clothes are "obscene" because they are above my knee.  ABOVE MY KNEE.  yeah.
of course that got me going on a love letter to a femme i've tried to write a thousand times and can't seem to word right.  how do you properly thank the femme who brought you out and told you it was ok to want to feel good about your body?  i know there's words there, but so far i'm not finding the right ones.
now, this is all really connected.  how i deal with my body and my style is all about how i'm femme.  but talking about it doesn't always come so easy, especially when i have too little contact with other femmes and an overflow of contact with people who don't get it and don't want to.
but all of this has got me thinking on a little project i want to do, to help myself remember myself on days that just aren't going well.  i'm going to make a little femme box and put wee things in it that remind me of everything that is good and powerful about being femme.  on days that make me want to destroy my body and reject being femme, i can pull out my femme reminders and get my head back together.  'cause when it comes down to it, i can't reject being femme without rejecting myself, can't destroy my body without hating myself first, and those aren't things i'm willing to do again.
and that way, on days i don't have words, i can find things that make sense anyway.  and the days i do have words, i can add them into the mix and hopefully even get it together enough to write them here, too.

11
Apr 09

Femme transitiontions and rebirthings

picture-6

When I came out as femme I committed suicide. That coming out experience was messy in so many more profound ways than the piles of skirts and fishnets that began to form small mountains on the floor of my apartment. When I came out as femme I killed off the boi I’d been trying to be since elementary school, and I assassinated the man I’d struggled to become with hormones. I killed off what wasn’t working and started to play with gender in completely new directions. Coming out as femme was a rebirth in the truest form.

This week my maternal grandmother who I have a complicated (at best) relationship with sent me an album of photographs from my childhood. It was an intense package to open, as is at staring at page after page of old photos of a little girl I scarcely remember being. The night they arrived Kestryl (my partner) and I sat on the couch after dinner and looked through all of them, about half way through the book we got to a page of different photographs taken in my Grandmother’s bathroom, and ze calmly pointed to a picture and said “That’s you and Sassy.” In that moment I looked down at a picture I had hardly noticed and realized that ze was right, it was a picture of my lost twin- the one whose life I adopted when I came out.

Let me explain. When I was a child I had an entire world of invisible family members, siblings mostly. It was in many ways one of my earliest attempts at building queer family, different family, family that I could call my own.  The invisible sibling that featured most prominently in my games through late elementary school was my twin sister, Sassy. I have no idea where I first heard the name in my semi-rural community but it stuck with me and she was everything I wished I could be.  When I was trapped by controlling and abusive parents she was an artist, an eccentric dresser, outgoing, confident, creative, flamboyant, and beautiful. She was everything I didn’t believe I could ever become, she was the alter ego that I desperately longed to become, and as I grew older I mostly forgot about her allowing her life and memory to be swallowed by time.

At 20 I started to come out as femme and I knew that Click (what I’d changed my name to when I came out as trans) wasn’t a name that was working for me anymore. I wasn’t de-transitioning and had no intention of going back to Natalie (my birth name) so I did all the normal things folks do when they go through a transition--- like scour baby books for names. Nothing seemed to fit. That spring Kestryl bought me some potted flowers for the kitchen window of the house we had just moved into. In my attempt at not forgetting to water them I decided they needed names, the little yellow daisy that was my favorite I decided to call Sassy.  When I introduced Kestryl to the plants ze asked where the name had come from, and I lives tumbled out of me. I explained about the twin sister I’d all but forgotten. Standing in the yellow and blue checkered kitchen I realized that coming out as femme had been becoming Sassy, it had been about embracing my flamboyance, and eccentricities, it was about making art a priority and occupation, it was about feeling safe enough to be pretty.

For me, coming out as femme was about coming home to an identity I hadn’t realized I was missing. It was a messy and complicated rebirthing, it was about my childhood dreams coming full circle and it was as an adult recapturing the dreams, goals, and aspirations of a childhood that I lost to abuse and neglect. In effect, as an adult I killed off the person I’d been, and became all the things that I’d only dreamed of, but never believed I could ever actually be. I’m feeling so blessed this weekend for the life I have now, chosen family, friends, art, and for this album of pictures and especially this eerie one. For me, femme is about becoming the impossible, it defies definition, logic, and reason.

7
Apr 09

Visible: A Femmethology - Virtual Tour Day

Cross-posted on Femme Fagette here.

Femme–an identity that has caused controversy, celebration and ridicule–is now the topic of a two-volume set from Homofactus Press and editor Jennifer Clare Burke titled Visible: A Femmethology. Femmethology calls the LGBTQI community on its own prejudice and celebrates the diversity of individual femmes. Award-winning authors, spoken-word artists, and totally new voices come together to challenge conventional ideas of how disability, class, nationality, race, aesthetics, sexual orientation, gender identity and body type intersect with each contributor’s concrete notion of femmedom. - from femmethology.com

This month of April marks something I've been waiting for quite some time: the Femmethology virtual blog tour! Today is lucky enough to be my day, and so I'm sharing some of my feelings and insights related to the Femmethology. Visit Daphne Gottlieb tomorrow for her day, and all the sites at the bottom of the post on their days.

First, a little about the Femmethology:
Visible: A Femmethology

Femmethology is essential—a roadmap of Femme Nation, an index, an anthropology, a manifesto, and a googleology. - Dorothy Allison

Visible: a Femmethology is a two-volume anthology of essays revolving around femme identity.

I've been discovering and embracing my multigendered identity lately, but in that multigendered identity there is a solidly femme identity as well, which these books helped me remember.

Not that I had forgotten my femme identity, I just had been focusing more consciously on my fagette identity than my femme because it was new and in a way easier to focus on because it's more visible (though only slightly). The identities in no way are opposites, they are complimentary, but they are also different. Reading through the Femmethology in a way re-connected me with my femme identity.

The biggest benefit of the Femmethology, in my opinion, is that it helps remind us that we are not alone as femmes. While some of us have many femme friends and a wonderful support system the rest of us do not and we have to navigate the world without much reassurance and reminders that there are so many of us out there feeling the same things. This is one of the reasons I started The Femme's Guide in the first place, to emphasize that there are many of us out there, and while we're all different we are also all the same.

I was moved many times throughout the two volumes. There were authors I knew well or moderately well, from various avenues such as Sinclair Sexsmith, Sassafras Lowrey, and Tara Hardy. There were many other authors that I didn't know anything about, but I was able to get to know something about them through their stories.

Many stories touched me to the core, rocked me, and left me dazed and contemplating my own stories and my own identities.

I feel that Visible: A Femmethology is not just a book or anthology meant to be read, though it certainly is that as well, it's also a look into each of these femme's lives and voices, an adventure into different types of femme-ininity and different experiences that all somehow are similar because of this identity we all embrace and inhabit. It shows the vastness of femme while also showing what unites us.

It screamed "you are not alone" to me right when I needed it.

From the Introduction to the anthology: "Femme means I won’t compromise on complexity. ... Above all, my femme is not your femme, which is the good news. ... Femme means my sexuality, my partner choices, my definitions and my gender presentation might not match your labels."

You can order Volume 1 and Volume 2 through the fabulous Homofactus Press.

You can also hear Sinclair Sexsmith reading his Love Letter to Femmes!

Check out the blogs below on the associated dates to learn more about the Femmethology volumes:
4/1. Sugarbutch Chronicles
4/2. Ellie Lumpesse
4/3. Queer-o-mat
4/4. CyDy Blog
4/6. Catalina Loves
4/7. cross-post: The Femme’s Guide and Femme Fagette
4/8. Daphne Gottlieb
4/9. Bilerico Project
4/10. Screaming Lemur: Femme-inism and Other Things
4/13. The Femme Hinterland
4/14. Bochinche Bilingüe: Borderlands Writing and The Vagina Adventures
4/15. Dorothy Surrenders
4/16. Miss Avarice Speaks Her Mind
4/17. The Femme Show
4/19. Sexuality Happens
4/20. Queer Fat Femme
4/21. Sublimefemme Unbound
4/22. Tina-cious.com and Jess I Am (butch-femme couple day!)
4/23. FemmeIsMyGender
4/24. The Lesbian Lifestyle
4/25. Femme Fluff
4/26. Weldable Cookies
4/27. The Verbosery
4/28. A Consuming Desire and Creative Xicana
4/29. Queercents
4/30. en|Gender

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

7
Apr 09

Queer Fat Femme Guest Post from Stacy Bias

I posted this guest post on my blog, Queer Fat Femme, and thought it was super useful for a cross post to the Femmes' Guide. Sort of a "how-to deal with fat haters on craig's list". Enjoy! xoxo, Bevin

The last few weeks I've been scouring the Internet for information on Hegel and his dialectic. His thing was "thesis, antithesis and syntehesis" -- simplified, it's "Problem, Reaction, Solution." Now it is entirely possible that I have this wrong -- I have no seat in the Ivory Tower and Hegel is notoriously complicated. What I offer below is, at best, an over-simplification -- and at worst, a joint misconception, but even if I have but a fraction of the idea, it's worthy of discussion. And it's been enough to piss me off -- which is really all I want to do with you here. I want to piss you off and remind you to ask questions. And maybe entertain you a bit at the end with a poem.

So - there's nothing inherently bad about Hegelian Dialectic on its own, but when applied with forethought and sinister intention, it becomes a powerful tool for manipulation and shady transfers of power. It's impossible to research the Hegelian dialectic without being dragged, wide-eyes unblinking, into the disturbing world of conspiracy theory. The most common Internet example given for understanding Hegel's dialect involves the proposal that 9/11 was an 'inside job.' I'm not really interested in coming off as a crazypants, so I'll choose a less extreme example. It's important, however, to not dismiss this concept because it is, I believe, the foundation on which consumerism stands and is the rot at the root of our social evolution, both individually and as a culture.

Example 1: You are a child, it's X-mas Eve and your mother wants you to go to bed so she can finish putting together your toy bike. She can't tell you this outright or you'll know there's no Santa. In this moment, you have the power. You are young and small, and she could physically force you to go to bed, but that's really no fun for either of you. Barring being hog-tied to your crib, you could also continue to get up and ask for water, you could throw a tantrum, you could be stubborn and willful - to your own detriment, of course, as you wouldn't have the bike in the morning, but no matter - you could definitely make things harder on the both of you. So your Mother wants you to give up your power and do as she wishes. To accomplish this, she applies the Hegelian Dialectic:

"Sweetheart, if you don't go to bed then Santa will not come and you won't get your presents in the morning! He may have already skipped our house!" -- Manufactured Problem.
You, of course, totally freak out, as that's the last thing on earth that you want -- Expected Reaction. (fear)
And then you promptly brush your teeth, put on your PJ's and hop into bed with the blankets over your eyes and don't move a muscle until morning, lest Santa should truly not come. -- Predetermined Solution.

(Should I have put in a Santa spoiler-alert up there?) ;)

So, that's a simple, every-day application of Hegel's dialect. No one was really harmed -- your mom got time to do a kind thing for you, and you got a good night's sleep. Of course, the hours you spent agonizing about whether or not you'd offended Santa were kind of unnecessary, but you still got your bike. As far as shady applications go, that wasn't so bad.

But let's talk about the more subtle and sinister applications that have been eating away at our collective self-esteem for centuries. Let's talk about consumerism -- which is, at its most stripped-raw, the attempted transfer of personal power from the self to the marketplace. Not an objective description, I'll grant you, but frankly -- fuck objectivity about consumerism. Now marketing, in and of itself, isn't inherently a bad thing - just like Hegel's Dialect is not a bad thing by itself. It is the way in which it is applied that determines its merit.

Example 2 is less specific -- but only because it will seem so familiar it hardly needs an introduction. Most marketing systematically seeks to create the PROBLEM (Need to lose weight? Teeth not white enough? Thighs not toned enough? Clothes not hot enough? Skin too wrinkly? Hair not shiny enough?) in order to create fear and insecurity (intended reaction) in order to get the customer to give up their personal power (i.e. confidence/empowerment) and convert their insecurity into a projected *need* for the marketer's product. (the pre-determined solution.)

Simple as that -- Dig a hole, fill it with product.

This is a long-winded way to get to the root of what I want to talk about below -- which is Preference. Personal Preference. And the fact that, in this day and age, I am fairly certain that none of us can be trusted to take our personal preferences at face value, given they have likely been systematically predetermined for us over the entire course of our lifetimes, all the while we are blissfully unaware that what we think we think are thoughts that have mostly been thunk for us. It's not a pretty prospect -- but I don't care how pristine the wall is, if you throw enough crap at it, something will eventually stick.

Lest someone think I take issue with all preferences, let me clarify that the only real problem I have with preference is how much of it goes wholly un-examined. If you dig at the root of your preference and find healthy, sound reasoning that makes sense and works for you -- go for it. But I believe that we must regard many of our likes and dislikes with suspicion -- and that the only way to step out of this rather sinister trifecta employed by those who would have us salivating like pavlovian puppies at the sound of a commercial break is to be empowered, aware and conscious consumers -- in all markets (tangible and not.)

This thought process brought me to the following, admittedly self-serving, poem -- which joyfully employs a trite rhyming convention to illustrate why I hate surfing Craigslist.

Let's talk about HWP. You craigslist junkies will likely know what this means, but for those who haven't had the pleasure, I'll expand the acronym. HWP = Height/Weight Proportionate. In other words, it's a socially acceptable way to say "No Fatties."

Now I'm recently un-coupled, and while not ready yet to date,
Just the fact of being single puts this dogma on my plate -
Checking ads to see what's out there, just in case I get a whim,
I am struck by how the margin of acceptance is so slim.

Your weight must be exactly in proportion to your height?
Height of what, I ask you? Of severity? Of might?
Is my height of intellect proportionate in measure,
to the weight of skills I have in giving lover's pleasure?

You see, Hegel may have called it out inside his dialectic:
predetermined outcomes based on formulated rhetoric.
But so subtle are the ways in which our views are formed and guided,
that often we believe they're things we consciously decided.

I think nurture plays as big a role as nature in this game,
Nature being who we are, and Nurture; what's to blame.
The thing we need remember is that even truth's subjective;
opinions hardened into 'fact' by vote of the collective.

Let's apply this logic, now, to beauty as a construct,
adherence to its rules; a voluntary code of conduct -
What if we were all to truly give ourselves permission,
to overwrite the jargon with our own new definition?

I offer, not as judgment, but as simple point of reference
that intolerance is often found beneath the guise of preference -
And if we are to bring about our social evolution,
questions, more than answers, will determine our solution.

Why is it I feel the way I feel about this thing?
Who is it that taught me - and what value does it bring?
Your conclusion, it may ultimately place you where you started -
What matters is the fact that you explored the paths uncharted.

I invite you, gentle people, with the best of your intention,
To take into your world a brand new sense of intervention;
To never take on faith the things you're taught you should believe,
'Cuz truth is seldom simple as our messy hearts perceive.

©2009 - Stacy M. Bias

Stacy Bias is a fat, queer femme dyke activist, educator and entrepreneur, nesting in the happy belly of the Portland, Oregon. As Bevin says, "Portland loves a fatty," but even here we have borders to push. Stacy's activist projects can be found at stacybias.net and her attempt to leave her day job can be found here: taproothosting.com

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , ,

6
Apr 09

Culinary Comfort: Curry Bake

currybake

Whenever I mention I am going to make curry bake on twitter I always have people asking me about what's in it and how to make it, especially after I made it for Kyle and he raved about it on his blog (it may be the cure to hangovers according to him).

The sauce is rich, thick, flavorful, and creamy. The vegetables perfectly paired and the cheese adds a strange but delicious accent to the already delicious curry. It is one of our comfort foods and perfect for a casual or fancy dinner at home, to make for one, two, many, or to take to a potluck and, of course, the more you make the more meals you can enjoy it for. It doesn't usually last long in our house, though.

It's really very simple, the recipe is one I got from a very dear friend and have made it many times over the last few years. Both my partner Onyx and I are big fans of curry and this is our favorite home-made curry dish.

The only problem with sharing the recipe is that I don't measure the ingredients! I put in enough veggies and quorn to fill the dish, make enough sauce to coat it all, and flavor the sauce to taste, so this will be less precise cooking and more whatever works for you. It's easy to add things like different veggies I haven't listed, I sometimes include zucchini for example, or you could omit something that you don't like.

Ingredients:
1/2 a Yellow Onion
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Potatoes (red, yellow, and gold - or whatever you prefer)
Quorn Chicken Tenders (real chicken would probably work fine, though I've never made it with it and you might then want to cook it first?)
1 can Coconut Milk
1 to 2 cups vegenaise
Curry Powder
Salt and pepper
Cheese

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

In a large baking dish (I usually use a 13 x 9 x 2 glass/pyrex dish) combine veggies cut into small pieces and frozen quorn chicken, approximately equal amounts of chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, and potatoes though you can add more/less of some if you wish. I usually use a somewhat equal amount of red, yellow, and gold potatoes with skins for added color, usually one or two each depending on how big they are.

In a bowl combine can of coconut milk with vegenaise and whisk to combine. Mixture should be fairly thick. Vegenaise encourages the sauce to thicken when baked, though I'm unsure what could be substituted for vegenaise.

Add curry powder, salt, and pepper to coconut milk/vegenaise mixture to taste. I use approximately 1 1/2 or 2 tablespoons of curry powder and a dash of salt and pepper. The more curry powder used the stronger it will taste, obviously. Can also add garam masala, garlic powder, or some cayenne pepper to give it a bit of kick. The flavor is completely up to you, so I suggest you play around with it.

Cover veggies and etc. with the curry powder sauce, stirring once to be sure to coat everything.

Bake in 400 degree oven for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes stir it carefully and test potatoes for firmness. Cook until potatoes are done or easily pierced with a fork (usually about 15 minutes longer).

Cover with a sprinkling of cheese, I usually use cheddar or a cheddar/pepperjack mixture from Tillamook. Wait for it to cool a little, and enjoy!

This recipe can easily be made vegan by omitting the cheese and quorn chicken (has rehydrated egg white in it) or using vegan cheese.

-Scarlet Lotus

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , , , ,