I've just sat down to write the rough draft of my term paper about becoming femme. The problem here, is that I'm not really sure how I became femme. I mean, I'm sure that there are a number of factors that contributed to a femme identity, but it didn't just hit me over the head one day. Right? It's a process starting from birth, continuing throughout one's Western (or otherwise) enculturation. I'm asked to write an autoethnography, where I study the effects of society upon me. So... what moments in my life created a favorable atmosphere for me to become femme? What moments in your life made you the way you are?

One of the most important things that I think actually lead to my femme gender was the fact that I grew up in conservative, interdenominational Christian churches. These organizations send a very clear message that sexuality is bad, unless it is between a man and a woman who are legally married to one another. I would venture to say that femme indicates a woman who freely expresses her sexuality. Also, within mainstream Christianity, women have very distinct roles from men's, and femme is not one of them. Even though there are heroines in the sacred text that display femme behavior, these figures hardly come up in teaches. You'll hear more about Mary, the virgin (asexual) mother of Jesus, than you'll hear about Queen Esther's predecessor as head wife, Vashti, who was banished for refusing to parade her naked body around at a party for the King's buddies. Is Mary any more holy or laudable than Vashti?

Growing up as a girl teenager in The (white, capitalist patriarchal, heteronormative) Church, you'll find yourself constantly reminded that your body is an instrument of sin. If your clothes are too revealing, if your pants don't meet your shirt at your midriff, if your makeup is too flashy, you could be labelled a harlot, regardless of your good or bad intentions. As a female, it is your responsibility to protect all men from your body (isn't this why women are blamed for rape?) by dressing appropriately, and not acting sexually. They've tried a number of ways to convince me that it is only out of common courtesy that we help our "brothers" to keep from sinning over our lewd, luscious, lascivious, lovely bodies but I am so far not convinced that it is my fault or responsibility. Part of my femme identity is a rebellion from this notion that I'm at fault when men have inappropriate sexual fantasies about me, or any other woman. It is absolutely inexcusable to promote this kind of hateful, oppressive belief. hmph!

Needless to say, I tried my best to suppress my femininity, and hide my curves from about age 12 to 22. But what the Church didn't understand was that my plain, unfeminine (un-anything, really) appearance did not save me from the immature, sexually frustrated young men in my classes. In my junior year trigonometry class, the (old, white, heterosexist, patriarchal, etc.) instructor refused to move the student who would sit in front of me every day. The young man tried to talk to me all the time, distracted me from the lesson, disrupted the class, and said lewd things to and about me. This went on for most of the entire fall semester. I think I blocked it out of my mind, because it did not cross my thoughts for a long time afterward. This happened just after I left the art school that was "making" me gay, I was at a new school across town, trying to figure out how to pass as a heterosexual woman. I had all that baggage, and here comes along this 17 year old boy to make it painfully clear that straight or gay, appearing sexual or not, I was always going to be subject to the scrutiny of men.

But I became femme before I really even knew what it was. Maybe the moment that it was really solidified was last summer, sitting alone upstairs in my borrowed bedroom (I was sharing a room with a friend who was traveling abroad) surfing YouTube and I ran across the 1971 segment of "If These Walls Could Talk 2" where Amy and Linda meet by chance at a butch-femme dive bar. Hah! I think I realized I was very much a sub/bottom when I saw their sex scene. That cocky smirk simply did me in.

Maybe it was the proliferation of butch voices in my life when I came home from the missions organization where I used to live. My very good friend Kay, and several of her friends are masculine identified females. I knew that I was somehow different from them, and I delighted in the way that we exchanged support be performing our butch and femme roles for each other. She always called me a femme, and I resisted the notion because I thought it meant being picky, prissy, whiny, and not at all resourceful or able. But somewhere down the line I realized that femme was powerful... and I just fell into the role. I delighted in playing my part because it didn't feel like an act. When I came out (when I came back from the missions field) I remembered that femininity is not just for men. It is also for women and for myself.

So. What events in your lives lead you to a femme identity? Or a butch one? Or any other gender?

Latest posts by missavarice

• Femme in the Kitchen #4 - Sweet Shaped Ice Cubes - April 3rd, 2011
• Femme in the Kitchen #3 - February 16th, 2011
• Keeping Warm in the Sunshine State - December 10th, 2010
• Femme in the Kitchen #2: Sugar - August 31st, 2010
• My Femme Role Models - August 22nd, 2010

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