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I never considered going to my 20 year high school reunion back in Oregon until recently.  My friend, M, was faced with his reunion this year.  As a very successful man, he kind of wanted to go back just to prove himself in some way.  Yet, at the same time he was concerned that he was just going back to brag.  But really, why else do you go to your 20 year reunion?  To talk about what a utter and complete failure you’ve been in the last 20 years?  Clearly everyone there either thinks that they have been successful or they are lying about their failures.

Recently, after writing the post about my metamorphosis from fat to thin, I started thinking about going to my reunion for the first time.  Why?  Why now would I even consider it when my stance before was, “Fuck them.  I hated them in high school, why would I want to waste my time on them now?”  For the same reason everybody else goes to their 20 year reunion - to prove something to everybody else.  What is it that I’m trying to prove?  That’s what’s kind of interesting to me.

Why didn’t I think my life was worthy of bragging before?  Why would I go now and not then?  Nothing has really changed, except that our public relations firm has grown in leaps and bounds.  Still, most of my work is in the adult industry and I can’t imagine going back to small loggertown and bragging over my client list at my class reunion - not really classy.  I could have gone just as myself, put on the sticker with my whole first name and my maiden name and my married name in parenthesis like most of the women there will do.  I could have gone and bragged about my amazing children and my husband’s undying love and devotion.  I’ve gone through a helicopter crash, divorce, college, grad school, teaching at the University, boarding school, and high school and those are all worth discussing.   I could fine out whatever happened to…  pretty much everybody.  I haven’t kept up with anybody.

So what is the defining reason that I’m even considering this?  This decision is solely based upon my opinion that I look pretty fucking good for a 36 year old mother of two after losing 130 lbs.  Following logic, my payoff then would be that some of the people who were mean to me in high school would be surprised to see me now, and my secret hope would be that they would regret being so mean to me would be fulfilled.  It’s like a Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion movie with a weird and kinky twist.

I don’t think I’m alone in my sentiment.  I think everybody at some point in high school thought to the future and envisioned being the successful ________ that comes back to the reunion and everybody would be sorry they were so mean to you.

What I do think is odd is that my weight ultimately carries the most weight, no pun intended, in my recent reconsideration of attending my upcoming class reunion.  I don’t really know what it means, other than I think I probably my weight probably has an unhealthy effect on my self-esteem whether it’s high or low.  The fact is, I put too much value on my weight and not enough value in my person.

[Posted Originally on CatalinaSays.com]