Sex vs. Gender

An interesting concept, the thought of sex versus gender as though they were two opposing fighters in the boxing ring. Think about it – how often on, say, applications or other miscellaneous forms do you see “Gender: M___ F___” or “Sex: M___ F___?” (The fact that there are only two genders on these forms is a whole other, and often addressed concept.) The vast majority of the world sees these two terms as completely interchangeable, although some might argue that “gender” is slightly more appropriate, given the obvious double-entendre of the word “sex.” (Cue Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me line, “Sex… yes please!”) However, in my cognitive travels, I have reached a fork in the road, with a sign on a pole in the middle:

Yes, please forgive my shoddy photo editing. It gets my point across. And that point is: we are no longer in a time where sex can unerringly equal gender, where the two can be swapped back and forth like partners at a swingers party. If we are to adopt the theory of orbiting in a gender galaxy as opposed to standing in a spot along the linear spectrum of binary gender assignment, then we also have to make the conscious decision to separate the two terms and use both to specify the context in which we are speaking. No longer, I feel, does “sex” always equal “gender.”

Sex, aside from being a pleasurable and sometimes procreative act, should ideally refer to the reproductive and genital organs a person was born with. A person of the male sex would have the XY chromosome, a penis and testes. A person of the female sex would have the XX chromosome, and at the very least a vulva, if not also the vagina, uterus and ovaries. (I am trying to take into account those born with defects. Bear with me, for the sake of my point.) Those who are neither, or in between in the biological sense are often referred to as hermaphrodites, or intersex. (See, there’s that term again. Intersex. Not intergender.)

Gender is a whole other ballgame; one, as mentioned before, often discussed. Gender is a huge hot topic in the world of alternative lifestyle. Going even further beyond the now-well known ideas of transgender and transvestitism are the ideas of genderqueer, cisgender, and genderfuck. Those terms do tie in with the ideas and various practices of transgender – they’re almost “umbrella terms” under which the more specific identities and practices exist – but oddly enough, while transgender and transvestitism are better known and more or less accepted (even if the people who practice them are not), the terms that describe them in their general state are new, buzzworthy, revolutionary even. The genderqueer concepts of “butch” and “femme” in the newly discovered gender galaxy are becoming more widespread and being more deeply explored than ever. No longer is “butch” just a term – or a nickname – for the burly, leather vest wearing, ‘do-rag sporting Harley biker with bad tattoos. No longer does “femme” just bring to mind the movie title Femme Fatale and more importantly, no longer is femme interchangeable with the term “feminine.” The era of gender enlightenment has been born. I for one cannot wait to see it flower into maturity.

Technorati Tags: gender, identities, sex vs. gender

NOLOSE is an organization for fat and lesbian/bisexual/queer women and transpeople dedicated to ending oppression against people for their size. While NOLOSE is more than just a conference, the main activity for the organization is the (not quite annual) conference.

It's hard to describe exactly what happens at the conference. I've been attending since 2004--when my drag troupe was tapped to perform an act as their evening entertainment. I didn't know what to expect from the gathering, but what I found was a fun and vibrant community of fat people (and allies!) of all sizes, shapes, colors, genders, ages and abilities working within themselves and in the larger culture to end fat oppression. Each year has been different, but what I was most tapped into was the fun aspect of it. I've made some of my closest friends while being very wacky and carefree at a NOLOSE gathering.

This year was a less fun for me than in years past--I can't quite put my finger on what it was--but as I go through my laundry list of what I got out of this year's conference, I want to highlight that even at my grumpiest I still got a transformative weekend of magical moments that I am very thankful for.

My highlights, in numerical order:

1. Fatties in the Media workshop. Oh, sure, I ran the workshop so it was already primed to be my favorite. But what can I say, community building, fat activism and making media are my passions and bringing them together was very important to me. I started the workshop by asking the participants (over 40 of them, which surprised me for a Sunday slot) what they would like to see on television in Fatopia--a society where weight is value-neutral, we've moved beyond the gender binary and anti-racism is the norm.

The group was very enthusiastic. We talked about the "F-Word", a show with fat queers, butches who look like, you know, butches. We talked about kids programming where there was more than one token fat kid and if he's a superhero his super power has nothing to do with his fatness. (Though, personally, I would totally want my superhero costume to involve cupcakes.) We talked about having real relationship structures featured, including functional polyamory and safe, sane and consensual BDSM . And instead of typical commercials we would include community events and concerned citizen announcements about paying attention to what your kids are doing. And that we would only have 5 hours of programming a day so that people would, you know, read a book.

I asked several of the conference attendees to come to my workshop to discuss what they were doing and how they were doing it, as a sort of idea and skill share. Allyson Mitchell talked about making movies on super 8 and doing community classes and film screenings. LukasBlakk talked about digital media, distribution and vlogging . Mr. Kate talked about making and distributing Zines, old school style. Chelsey from the Fat Femme Mafia talked about fat activist initiatives using video and I got the Fat and Queer movie girls to discuss their idea and their process. And I talked about FemmeCast pretty briefly.

The workshop left me feeling very invigorated about making the kind of media I want to see (and the people in the workshop want to see)!

2. Meeting Lukas Blakk and Allyson Mitchell. I've met Allyson before but not in the context of knowing the art and media she was doing. Allyson curated a fattie short film series. A lot of the videos I hadn't seen, so it was cool to get to be exposed to them. Even though some of the digital videos had some technical difficulties, I wrote them down to come home to download. Her short "Foodie" was really remarkable. And Lukas had several videos I hadn't seen, including one with Tracy Tidgwell on stockpiling food and this hysterical video with some of the performers I know through drag called "Destiny's Neighbor". I really love campy, creative fat art and am really happy to have met people making this kind of stuff at NOLOSE.

At best, conferences are great networking opportunities and I want to surround myself with people making fat and queer media.

During the media workshop Lukas offered to start a "Fat Planet", which is basically a global RSS feed thing where it gloms onto the feeds of a whole bunch of NOLOSE related people's fat and queer blogs, writings, videos, podcasts and puts them into one feed. Lukas was way more eloquent than I can be about the subject, but I will definitely spread the word when it becomes available.

Also, Lukas and Allyson are Canadians and I have a crush on the city of Toronto and their fattivities. (Daddy K's Dance Acadamy? Fat Femme Mafia? Word.)

3. My bestie Genne, First Runner up in the Master of Dance competition. The Master of Dance competition was this year's answer to the "Fresh Bottom Revue". One thing NOLOSE has been great for is challenging people to use their bodies in new ways. The Fresh Bottom Revue was something Heather MacAllister was responsible for, a response to her professional Fat Bottom Revue, where people who hadn't performed burlesque before would attend a workshop and perform burlesque for the first time at the Saturday night entertainment for the conference.

This year, Tiny and Petunia held a dance off. There was a workshop for it and Genne attended. Having a family history of not dancing and a lot of anxiety around dancing, she decided that since it was the workshop that scared her the most she should go to it. I think that if everyone adopted that life philosophy people would be a lot happier.

Before she went up there I told her how proud I was of her for doing it. She really challenged herself, put herself on stage and danced like crazy. My favorite move she did was a "swim" with her whole body on the ground, literally swimming. I'm still not sure what the rules of the competition were, but ultimately the people who risked the most and were the most, for lack of better word, crazy and different, were rewarded. It was silly goodness.

4. Fatshion. There was a bit of controversy before this year's conference about the so-called "Fashion Olympics". This is the tendency for NOLOSE to involve a great deal of challenging fatshion . For me, since it is a conference and I have access to my clothes and the ability to change a lot, I will wear a variety of ridiculous outfits because I can. And I am not alone in this.

Some people were expressing discomfort at not being able to be on their "A Game" for fashion at this year's conference and there was a huge debate about it on livejournal. This debate sparked a workshop about Fashion at NOLOSE . I took great offense to the term "Fashion Olympics" (there is no judge! the winners are anyone who dresses to make themselves feel good!), especially as a very flamboyant high femme. But I did recognize the inherent benefit to discussing and breaking down how the "Fashion Olympics" affects the community at NOLOSE and the ways in which it reconstructs social hierarchies.

NOLOSE is a special place in terms of body acceptance and fashion risk. There is no dress code. I took some fashion risks this year, which included not packing a lot of clothes. Lately I have been interested in trying a miniskirt/minidress look, which is hard for me as a fattie. Also, I don't do scarves very often, so I tried this look. I am pictured here with Glenn Marla, tranny superstar and my fashion cousin (down to the Fluevogs).

I also rocked a fuzzy pink robe, jingly reindeer slippers and pigtails during the fashion workshop. I never wear pigtails, but I thought it important to make the point, you can dress down while still dressing up. Plus they kept my freshly dyed hair out of the water when I went swimming earlier.

Anyway, the workshop was good (and co-facilitated by my BFF and fat femme fashion icon Zoe). We talked a lot about how to include people and work on exclusion and acceptance, the importance of giving compliments and creating a welcoming community (a NOLOSE buddy system was suggested) and the difference between fashion and style.

5. People. I am absolutely privileged to have a fat queer community in New York City (and beyond) that I keep up with on the regular. I feel very honored that being in a space with so many fat people isn't an unusual occurrence for me, but I do see the ways in which that is restorative and unusual for others. And seeing a lot of body diversity in one room is amazing for me, too. I just love getting to catch up with people I don't see very often. I can't possibly do a roll call, but I want to give extra giant love to my personal Cadbury Leather Egg, Mitchell Atticus . Having butches like Mitch around to just help out makes my party planning, rabble-rousing and community building much easier. He helped me plan a much-needed conference make out party. Since I was grumpy I didn't make out with anyone, but having FemmeCast sponsor a party where other people did and made some great connections made me feel good. As I said this weekend, "Even if I'm in a bad mood and not having a lot of fun, I want to make sure other people are having fun because that makes me feel good."

My friend Naima did a hipster impression that was absolutely right on during dinner, we had a Fat Femme stampede to a sundae bar, and I got to spend some snarkymarvelous time with fellow Femme's Guide Blogger, Hussy Red.

6. Genne's Fat Families Workshop. Her workshop, which was about an interview she did with her grandmother about 80 years in a fat body, had a lot of a ha moments for me about my family and our relationship to fat. I think as activists we talk a lot about our family as the root to our struggles about fat but not necessarily how to deal with them and what we can learn from them. I am planning an episode of the podcast about families and got a lot of great ideas from Genne's workshop.

And, most importantly, what I got out of this year was a lot of great ideas for what I want to be doing in terms of fat activist community building. I am at an interesting cross roads in terms of what I am going to focus on and I think I have further clarity. And clarity is in short supply for me these days!

Next up for me on the Femme's Guide, I will discuss weight loss goals in the fat activist movement.

P.S. Did you notice there's a minisode about the economy available at the FemmeCast website? It's true.

Technorati Tags: conferences, fashion, fat, fat media, fatshion, femmecast, lgbt, nolose, thoughts

My Hero - The Hitachi Magic Wand!

The Hitachi Magic Wand is a product that really needs no introduction. Practically everybody has at least heard of amazing orgasms induced by the Magic Wand and when you add the G-spot attachment to it, it becomes a vibrator superhero. I'm not going to go on and on telling you about how my Magic Wand is never out of reach of my bed. I won't spend this entire review saying how much I appreciate that it's powered by electricity, so I never have to worry about getting almost there only to have the batteries die (rechargeable or otherwise). Instead of tell you how the Hitachi Magic Wand has lasted me for years and years of almost daily use, I decided to write 5 reasons why I love my Hitachi Magic Wand. If you haven't used one yet, you'll want to after you read this:

1. Strong clitoral orgasms that leave your knees shaking. It doesn't have to be just a masturbation toy - sometimes while Marky is fucking me from behind, I've got the Magic Wand nestled between my legs on my clit so that I have the extra stimulation. Every thrust of his pushes my clit harder against it until, if we're lucky and our timing is good, I can have a G-spot orgasm a clitoral orgasm and he can come at the same time. This is the reason why staying up until 3:30 am for sex when you have to be up at 7 am with kids is worth it sometimes!

2. G-spot orgasm after G-spot orgasm (my first squirting orgasms were from the Hitachi w/ attachment). It was like the day I turned 35 my G-spot came to life. It is more likely that I didn't get my hands on the attachment until then. The G-spot attachment is sturdy and smooth - it slides in so nicely - whether you're using it yourself or on another.

3. Using the attachment on Marky's ass (or hearing about how he did it himself while masturbating). You didn't think this was just a woman's toy, did you? That same attachment touches the exact right spot for a prostate orgasm. From what Marky tells me, it's an amazing orgasm that comes (no pun intended) in two waves, first the initial spurt of ejaculation and then a "lava flow" of prostate ejaculate, a thicker and distinct ejaculation. Being a cumslut, naturally, I love to watch this happen.

4. Having it used on me while I'm bound and helpless. Sometimes you want it to be in just the right place so badly but the top just won't put it right there, a tease and denial game that causes your body to try to find the vibrator the way a seedling heliotropes. Knowing that your partner is going to control your orgasm is extremely arousing mentally. The physical satisfaction is a given.

5. Using it on others for forced orgasms. I love to watch women as they squirm around the tip of the Hitachi Magic Wand, trying to place their clits just right against it so they can come. I love to watch a woman's face the first time she feels the horn of the G-spot attachment vibrate against her G-spot intensely and then watch as I change the speed from slow to fast and then remove it and play with her until she is nearly mad for that orgasm. I love to slide it into a man's ass while gently stroking his cock or taking it into my mouth - the combination is nothing short of magical, or so I hear.

So there you have it - if it weren't abundantly clear before, the Hitachi Magic Wand and the G-spot attachment are staples of any good toybox. It should be the first thing a young woman buys for herself when she goes off to college, it should be a wedding gift, men should buy it for their girlfriend or wife and women should buy it for their men - heck, it should be for sale in the waiting room of the marriage therapist's office. It's one of those toys that has so successfully been marketed as a ::wink wink:: massager, that you can have one without really worrying about the social stigma that can be attached with sex toys.

All I can say is, I feel sorry for the poor soul without an Hitachi Magic Wand - you are really missing out! Go straight to VibeReview.com and buy one - if you use this coupon code, you'll even get 10% off through election day.

Technorati Tags: Anal, clitoral orgasms, clitoral vibrators, Female Ejaculation, forced orgasms, g spot attachment, g-spot, g-spot orgasm, hitachi attachment, hitachi magic wand, Masturbation, New Toy Tuesday, online coupon, prostate orgasm, sex, Sex blog, sex bloggers, sex toys, squirting

I was more than thrilled when Babeland offered to let me review the Eco Delight Kit. First of all, I'm Colorado born and bred, which makes me a sustainable and environment loving hippie at heart. Secondly, I've really been wanting to get my hands on a Delight ever since I first saw one, so clearly, this kit was perfect for me.

In this kit are:

*An all natural, recycled paper bag EMBEDDED WITH FLOWER SEEDS (so you can plant the bag and flowers grow!!!)

*Organic Naked Lube

*Mamba condoms

*A Rice-Flower Massage Candle (with matches)

*A Delight vibe (I chose the Black/White, but there are other options).

Ok. Let's break this down.

I didn't get to use the bag, as it's September, plus I live in an apartment building. However, come spring, I plan on planting it, and am really bloody excited about this part of the kit. Wildflowers IN A BAG. I mean, come on!

About the lube? Yeah. I didn't even open it, but rather, gave it to a friend in lube need. I've already review the Organic Naked Lube (read the review here), and was pretty unimpressed. In fact, I still have about 98% of the bottle left, so I didn't feel the need to really try it out...again.

The Mamba condoms were nice; they're vegan (like most condoms), and felt nice, at least over the toys I used them on. They're Swedish, and supposeably made by a non-profit, which in my book, is damn cool. Nothing ridiculously amazing, but then again, few condoms are.

The Delight was pretty bad ass. In case you don't know much about the Delight, it is a re-chargable vibrator (yay! No costly and harmful batteries!)..that charges *in its case.* Yeah. Crazy, I know, but you just put it in its case, and plug the whole case in and voila! No sitting there on your counter getting fuzzy while it charges. Not awkward questions from visitors, as it sits there on your counter while it charges. And you have easy storage too!

Now, it's supposed to be both a G-spot and a clitoral toy, but I had my doubts. My anatomy has never perfectly fit any of these dual use toys, but I thought I'd give it a go. The bad? Yeah - when it is inserted the right way, it definitely doesn't hit my clit. The good? When it is inserted the right way, it OH MY GOD hits my g-spot! That curved part is abso-freaking-lutely brilliant! It felt amazing...and then I turned on the vibrations. There are multiple settings, and all of them felt...well..DELIGHTful. (Insert groans here). There was a good amount of vibration (which we all know is important too me), and so far, it's still charged. Plus, it's plastic and silicone (body friendly and easy to clean), and is water resistant (shower, anyone?) I was...well...DELIGHTed by the Delight (ok, the puns stop here, promise!).

However, the high point of this kit was the Massage Candle. Oh. Em. Gee. This was genius. I thought that the scent might be a little strong...but no, it was perfect. AND the candle came with matches. For me, this is the equivalent of having a toy come with batteries (if it requires them). Fucking fabulous...especially since I already had F tied up in my bed when I wanted to use it, and wasn't ready to go on a hunt for a lighting instrument in the middle of sex.

The wax melted fairly quickly, and the glass wasn't too hot to hold. I poured in on her to the sound of a gasp, and then rubbed it in. And poured more on her, and gave her a back massage. I tried it out again a few days later - she still loved it! Finally, it was my turn...it felt amazing. I almost wish it had been hotter, but I guess that was kind of the point...that it didn't need to be a "wax play" kind of thing, but was more soft and sensuous. Either way, it was AMAZING, and I'm definitely hoping to get a few more of these amazing candles.

Overall, the kit gets 4 stars out of 5. The Delight, the bag, and the Candle gets 5 stars each. Condoms get 3 or 4...I mean, they're just condoms...good condoms, but not amazing. And the lube? Yeah, 2 stars at the most, bringing down the average of the kit. Hmm...actually, can I give the Massage Candle 6 stars (out of 5)? Cause I really really really liked it.

Want to get your own earth-friendly Eco Delight Kit? Visit Babeland here to get one of your own!

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: all natural, candle, eco friendly, lube, massage candle, organic, review, sex toys, toys, vibrators, wildflowers

If you're not reading "Femme Economics" at Queercents.com, you should be.

Morea Malatt writes about offsetting the cost of a feminine appearance, and about negotating feminist values within the tools of femininity. In a recent post, she offers  up three reasons to have your shoes repaired instead of throwing them away:

1. The environment. Less shoes in the landfills.
2. Support your local economy instead of buying a replacement pair made who knows where.
3. It’s less expensive than a new pair.

Sounds good to me! Rather than purchasing expensive eye creams, she recommends getting plenty of sleep, drinking tons of water (which we should all be doing, regardless!), keeping your eyes moisturized, wearing big sunglasses and learning to love yourself. This may sound like heresy, but she has even gone so far as to suggest that butches are actually the high maintenance ones! Imagine that!

• So, at least for my household, I am barely, but technically, the lower-maintenance gender-performer when it comes to the economics of looking good. When it comes to butch-femme, looks can be deceiving. I don’t actually know any low-maintenence butches.

I've only recently discovered her column, but I'll be pleased to read on for more tips on frugal femininity and environment friendly beauty.

Technorati Tags: feminine, femme, gender, money, resources

If this already hasn't become apparent to you, then you probably have not read my other reviews of Lelo products because I rave about them every time I have the honor of reviewing one. This time it is no different. Although the first time I tried out the Ella I actually didn't enjoy it, but that was because I was in a strange sexual headspace and not really enjoying anything at the time. It was obviously all in my head because the second and all further times playing with Ella I was in love.

Like all Lelo toys she comes in a gorgeous black box with a satin pouch, manual, and (one year) warranty information. Although unlike Iris and Nea (and most other Lelo toys) Ella is a dildo, so there's nothing to plug in or charge up, Ella is ready to go immediately. She is made 100% out of silicone, is extremely sleek and classy, and comes in either black or white from EdenFantasys (I got the black).

Ella is currently the only dildo in the Lelo line, and is a double-ended dildo to boot. Her two ends look a bit like the Gigi and the Liv put end-to-end. I'm a bit of a size queen, though I appreciate small toys as well if they are well made, and Ella is a little smaller around than I thought she would be. She is only just over one inch in diameter (1 1/4"), but regardless I found them to be absolutely fantastic for g-spot stimulation, especially the end that is curved with the flat head (Gigi-like).

I tried Ella a few different ways: thrusting inside of me, working inside of me, and with a vibe on my clit. Of course (clit whore as I am) I got off with a vibe on my clit, I used both the Hitachi and Nea and enjoyed each combination. The femme accessorizer in me enjoyed having the black Ella and black Nea working together (though I would have loved a black Lily instead, because the finish matches the Ella better than the Nea's finish, but that's just my OCD talking). Thrusting with both ends was highly pleasurable and Ella seemed larger when she was inside of me, I'm not sure why. Working it inside of me was pleasurable as well (by "working" I mean very slight thrusting, basically). Both ends make a wonderful handle for the other so the toy is extremely easy to maneuver.

Like all Lelo toys Ella was just absolutely fantastic, and looks more like a work of art than a dildo ("pleasure object" as Lelo calls all of their items). It is sleek, fem(me)inine, elegant, and gorgeous. I am constantly amazed with the pleasure objects Lelo produces and I can't wait to get my hands on more of their toys! I'm especially lusting over their newest toy Bo, which I just discovered today, though I could list all of the toys that I don't have as ones that I want.

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Technorati Tags: dildos, EdenFantasys, g-spot, lelo, review, Reviews, toys

Forgive me for another thrifty posting.

After I finished my previous posting here at The Femme Guide I realized that I left out another thrifty thing that I do: I swap. I’m a long-time crafter, maker, sewer, artist, thing-doer kind of lady, and these swaps really inspire me, teach me, and make me feel really happy. You know at holiday time when we swap gifts and secretly you’re always more excited to give than to get? Swapping is like that, but, (get this) it is year round.

And, people swap all sorts of things. I’ve participated in swaps for pink things, handmade dolls, handmade ornaments, handmade monsters, paper goods, cool thrifted items, mix CDs, handmade dammit dolls, aqua and blue vintage cards, and even, a vagina themed swap.

Swapping works like this:

1. You find a swap you like online
2. You contact the swap coordinator and ask to join
3. You are –usually randomly- assigned a swap partner (sometimes partners)
4. You make/find items for your partners (this is a lot of fun)
5. You ship these items by a deadline
6. You wait
7. You receive awesome goodies in your mailbox from your swap partners!

My two favorite swap sites are Swap-Bot and SwapDex. Swap-Bot requires that you join the site (free) and all swaps are hosted through the site. You are able to search, by category, a pretty exhaustive list of swaps. Once you receive goodies from a swap partner you can rate the quality of these goodies. The rating part sounds a little weird, but in actuality it insures that people don’t stiff one another etc. SwapDex is a blog that lists swaps that other people are hosting through their own personal blogs. Usually, the SwapDex swaps are a little bit more specific, and a little bit more tailored to specific tastes.

Here is an amazing swap I found out about on Swap-Bot that celebrates International Day Against Homophobia. (Oops. I just realized the hyper-link will not work because you must be logged in to swap-bot to view swaps.  So, after you get a login, use this link http://www.swap-bot.com/swap/show/22010 to view the swap)

So, I was thinking, why don’t we have a little Femme-tastic Swap here at The Femme Guide? Let’s swap awesome “femme” themed items with one another. And, hey, this is open to everyone, not just femmes!

In order to participate:

1. Comment below and list three fabulous things about yourself (these can be about your appearance, stuff you own, your attitude etc.) along with your blog (if you have one).
2. Leave me a way to contact you (you can write out your email address to protect yourself from bots, or email me directly at hinterland.femme@gmail.com). I will contact you for your shipping information which will only be shared with your swap partner.
3. I will match you up with another amazing reader
4. Make/buy/thrift something femme-themed for your partner inspired by the fabulous things they listed about themselves. Keep your purchase/creation under $10
5. Mail your item(s) to your swap partner.
6. Wait and receive some swap love in your mailbox
7. Post pictures of the items you send/receive in The Femme Guide Swap Flickr Pool

You can continue to join the swap until October 10^th, and let’s ship our items by October 31^st.

Technorati Tags: swap, thrift

Can A Femme Be Butch Too?

I’m sitting here on my couch – okay, futon – belly full of awesome Thai food, agonizing over the fact that it’s been too long since I’ve updated my portion of TFG, then agonizing even more over the fact that I cannot think of a single thing to write. Talk about a brain explosion.

Then it occurred to me. Maybe I’m thinking too much inside the box. Of course, can there be a box when we’re discussing such things as the genderqueer identity, gender fluidity, and the deliberate turn away from rigid, binary gender rules? In any case, I was restricting myself, which is ridiculous because I don’t restrict myself in my everyday life when it comes to my gender – or lack thereof, not biologically speaking of course. While I do identify as a femme, there is still a part of me that feels a little butch. Even more so, perhaps, because I identify as a tomboy-femme.

Maybe there’s a little butch in every femme.

And why shouldn’t there be? If we’re so opposed to rigid gender identification, enough to declare ourselves femme in lieu of adopting the heteronormative “feminine,” why wouldn’t we also accept that we can also be butch? Maybe not predominantly, but certainly for most if not all of us, there is a little baby butch curled up inside, sporting cropped hair and a packing cock. Every now and then she – he? – ze? – wakes up and suddenly we put away our rockin’ halter dresses and peep-toe heels, put on a men’s tee and walk with a little less sway to our hips.

But at the same time, maybe that’s part of what the term “femme” connotes. Maybe by adopting “femme” instead of “feminine,” we are giving an unspoken acknowledgement that there is a baby butch inside, curled up and mostly dormant but still in existence. Because in essence, that is what “femme” is all about. “Femme” is a genderqueer identity, so in theory a femme would be embracing all genders by default, even if she doesn’t actively embody more than one or two.

So can a femme be butch? Well, isn’t she at least a little bit just by embracing the femme identity? And can’t she every now and then be a little more tomboyish, or butch? That’s the beauty of these identities; none of them are permanent or incapable of change. These identities are not labels; they’re orbits to which a woman can gravitate, inhabit for a while, then disengage to float off to another orbit. And why not? After all, we inhabit quite the diverse gender galaxy. Might as well explore the reaches of this new frontier!

Technorati Tags: butch, butch/femme, femme, gender

We Love Madison Young!

Madison Young has twice impressed me with her movies. The first time, with Undone, which turned me on so much that I personally recommend it to friends in real life and this time with Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco. In Lesbian Life, Madison sets out as a very trendy sex writer who is in San Francisco looking for the next big hot spot to write about. What she finds during her adventure varies from hot sex in bike shops with smudged and dirty mechanics and a tattoo shop that leaves a lasting impression to public sex on romantic picnics, but no matter what the scene, Madison's reputation of authenticity holds up - real lesbians and real sex.

Now here is where I think Madison is not only sexy, but smart as hell - she fills in a niche of a niche with a great movie. Lesbian porn is its own little niche in the adult entertainment industry, but real lesbian porn is even more so and good real lesbian porn is nearly impossible to find! This movie isn't for Johnny Jackoff who wants to watch big boobed blonds go down on each other and pretend to like it. This movie is for Jane Jackoff, who wants to watch real lesbians having real lesbian sex.

I can't really sum it up any better than the back of the DVD that states, "This is the way women really fuck!"

Thanks again, Madison, for sending me your movie to review. I love watching your movies -please send more!

Technorati Tags: Lesbian Life Real Sex San Francisco, Movies, porn

Believe it or not women can and do ejaculate...and women who honestly believe that they can't-can be taught how. Personally, I was once one of the latter. I thought women were peeing not ejaculating...and then...(I bet you've already guessed)...someone proved me wrong by causing me to ejaculate.

And honestly, how embarrassing to the doubter to be not only proven wrong but left laying in a puddle blushing head to toe.

So, how can you tell if you've ejaculated? The obvious sign is a gush of wetness just before or during orgasm. Some women actually produce a spray or stream...

It is my belief (now that I am a female ejaculation convert) that all women can ejaculate...

It merely takes patience, practice, and a willingness to learn. So partner up and let's get started (although for the very shy a solo run is very possible.) First comes exploration of the G-spot.

The g-spot is the spongy tissue of the paraurethral gland, which is similar to the male prostate. It is located about one to two inches back from the vaginal opening inside the front vaginal wall. (The same side as your belly button.)

You can explore your g-spot with your fingers or a curved dildo. I find it easier the first time to go with fingers because feeling the difference in texture in the vaginal wall is important. The area directly over the g-spot will feel bumpy or rough compared to the smoother surrounding area. Remember, smooth fingernails and lube are important...

And really, this step by step approach is going to read kind of dry, so remember...kissing, cuddling, massaging, teasing are all assumed as foreplay before you dive in...the g-spot is much easier to find when you (or your partner) are highly aroused...*wink*

Solo Practice:

Slowly insert one or two fingers into your vagina and make a "come hither" motion stroking the front wall of the vagina. Sometimes it helps to apply pressure from the outside with your free hand. Press down in the area just above your pelvic bone while simultaneously stroking the g-spot until you are feel like you are going to pee. (Don't stop because you are getting close!) As you near orgasm, push a little and the stream of liquid that flows out is ejaculate.

Partner Play:

Face your partner while she is lying on her back and insert your index or long middle finger into her vagina about two inches. Then crook your fingers in a "come hither" motion, sliding your fingertip along the top of the vagina until you find an area that is rougher than the rest of that vaginal wall.  If you don't get an immediate response, don't panic, sometimes direct pressure from the outside is needed to find the g-spot successful...and...every woman is different. Some women need soft touches, others harder touches, that's where practice come in.

Be prepared:

The amount of liquid expelled during female ejaculation can vary from a teaspoon to a cup...and on bed sheets...that's a lot of liquid. So have towels ready. Try to not be too disappointed if on first try there is little volume...the secret is to stroke the g-spot to "plump it up" and as you do create more fluid. Again. Practice makes perfect.

If you Google G-spot or Female Ejaculation...you will get a myriad of results. What you will not find are what comes from experience...

All of that play and exploration leads to over-sensitivity and it is not uncommon to feel "uncomfortable" the next day...especially if ejaculation isn't achieved...because the fluid build up will be in that spongy area. Before I actually "learned" how to ejaculate, I thought I had a constant UTI from too vigorous play. Once I figured out that liquid build-up was the cause measures could be taken to not feel so tender and swollen. Now that I am an experienced ejaculator, if I feel that there is excess fluid it can be "milked out" with that same "come hither" motion, but usually I'll just take a couple aspirin or Motrin after extended g-spot play.

Also, if you do experience frequent UTI's make it a habit to urinate immediately after any play that involves lube and/or g-spot play.

Now it's your turn, tell me your ejaculation stories...triumphs, failures, most embarressing moments...tricks to make it easier for a first timer...

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