Don't forget to click on The Obama for President Coupon so that you can get 10% off your next order with VibeReview!

I am a sucker for glass dildos, they are my absolute favorite kind of dildos out there, and that's saying a lot because I love dildos. Though I have never owned a steel or wooden dildo and I have a feeling I would love them just as much since the main reason I love glass is because of the hardness. I love the way rock hard dildos feel within me: sleek, smooth, and, well, hard. The sensual bulb is no exception.

The Sensual Bulb is only about 4 1/2 inches long, which is somewhat small for a glass dildo, and definitely smaller than I was expecting. This isn't bad, however, and I've found that the length is just about perfect for great g-spot stimulation, the bulb at the end of the toy can press against the g-spot nicely while the flared base is easy to hold and perfect for maneuvering it to just the right angle.

This toy is also wonderful for anal play as well, as the base is nice and wide (you always want to use toys with bases anally so that they don't get sucked up inside!) and it's not too big for those of us who don't want anything humongous going into our ass. I wouldn't recommend it for long-term plug wearing because the base is rather wide and could be uncomfortable after a short amount of time, but it is a wonderful toy to use anally. I also generally love glass dildos anally again because of the hardness. Not to mention that glass dildos are non-porous and very easy to clean and disinfect, which is something I look for in any toy I get but especially toys that I want to put up my ass.

The Sensual Bulb is absolutely gorgeous, I love the cute butterfly etched in the base, and the purpley pink color of it, which I believe just adds to the beauty of the toy. All in all The Sensual Bulb is a wonderful shape and perfect for both vaginal and anal play. Obviously since it is not too large it won't satisfy those who desire a lot of girth to their toys, but if you want to enjoy a well-crafted glass toy that will hit the g-spot or to use anally, this is a wonderful toy to have on hand!

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

And don't forget about the The Obama for President Coupon! Who wouldn't want 10% off?

Technorati Tags: dildos, g-spot toys, glass dildos, sex toys, VibeReview

I love chocolate. A lot. In fact, there was many a joke in my grad school program about how my vagina craves and eats chocolate. Ergo, I thought it would be prudent to try something that was chocolate. And sexual. Because let's just be honest; my life revolves around sex and chocolate.

So this review is about Shunga Chocolate Body Paint. I saw chocolate at Babeland, as a sex thing, and I wanted it.

It came in the mail, and as I open the package, I realized there was one problem; I needed to find someone to try it out on. Unlike your dildos and vibes, chocolate body paint is really mean for two people.

So I waited. Semi-patiently. And then, the solution presented itself. I had someone, in my apartment, alone, who was really hot, and wasn't running panicking.

"So, I need to review this chocolate body paint. Would you be willing to take one for the team and help me test it?"

As she stood in my kitchen, I held up the glass jar suggestively. When M acquiesced, I looked at her expectantly.

"Where would you like me to paint you?"

"Anywhere is fine."

I looked her up and down. She was wearing a long sleeve shirt. Anywhere? Unless I was going to turn her face into my canvass, I had to change the situation a bit.

"Does that shirt come off? And if so, do you need any help with it?"

Shirt unbuttoned, and tossed over a chair, undershirt off and folded, I spun her around in front of me. Right above her sports bra, her back was a blank canvass. Opening the bottle, I attempted to use the wood and foam quill provided. It didn't work so well, but creative femme that I am, I found a lip liner make-up brush that worked perfectly.

It smelled like chocolate. It even tasted like chocolate (which I wasn't expecting...faux chocolate is usually pretty gross). It was a little thicker and stickier than something like chocolate syrup, and less creamy than melty chocolate ice cream (un, did I mention that I like chocolate and sex?). It took a little to get used to it, but I was able to use it to create both words and designs on M's back.

I will say the licking it off part wasn't quite what I expected. It dried relatively quickly, and was more difficult to lick off than I thought it would be. I'm glad I didn't do too much of it, because while licks and kisses are sexy, a full fledged tongue bath is not (at least for me). I'd suggest that you don't use too much of it, or if you want to create a giant masterpiece, I'd plan on a hot and steamy shower together to take care of the stickiness.

I have yet to try it on nipples (either mine or a partner), but I think that'll be quite fun. Honestly, I'd keep it away from the vulva to prevent yeast infections -- sugar + naughty bits = bad plan.

It didn't tell me anything about storage, so I recapped it and stuck it in the fridge before we continued our conversation in my bedroom.

All in all, 4 stars out of 5. Prettier and less messy than chocolate syrup, lots of fun, and pretty tasty, but not reinventing the wheel.

And what did M think?
Good smell. Good taste. Not messy, which is good, but definitely have a plan for getting it off other than your tongue, if you do a lot (see my note above re: shower). Overall, like a 7 out of 10 maybe.

Ok, folks, there you have it. Want some of your own? Go buy some
Shunga Chocolate Body Paint at Babeland.

-Essin' Em

The Iris by Lelo is the latest toy I’ve tried out.  If you’re not familiar with the company, Lelo is a very high end, European company with top drawer toys.  They make some of my favorite products  The Gigi and  Liv are two other examples of their upscale dildo vibes that I’m dying to review.  Some of their products are very discreet, in fact the Lily looks more like a spa hot massage stone than a vibe.  I just recommended it to a friend recently who wanted to put a surprise in his wife’s carry-on bag that wouldn’t get her arrested or embarrass her in airport security.

Just this week I received the only product made by Lelo that isn’t as much a sex toy as a sex product - the Luna Beads.  I’ll write my review here soon about them, but the bottom line is they are a combined pleasure and exercise system.  You can enjoy the sensation of them while flexing your pelvic floor muscles (so to speak).  The company states that “Her movement-induced subtle vibe makes for more efficient, fun and pleasurable “Kegel”-exercising. Indeed, performing daily “Kegels” helps restrain and prevent stress incontinence, but benefits moreover include increased neuromuscular control, enhanced ¬¬sensation and ultra-intense orgasms.”  I’m all for ultra-intense orgasms, so I figured I might give them a try.  I’ll let you know!

The Iris is the ultimate multi-tasker pleasure provider.  It came in a really nice box with a thorough instruction guide, a really nice silk storage pouch, and a charger.  It took me a while to figure it out, because there is one little square button to make so many things happen!  Maybe I didn’t read the booklet well-enough because I was so excited to put it to use, but it wasn’t as intuitive as the company claims.

It is very responsive and allows you to target the intensity or balance it equally between the tip and the shaft of the vibrator - in simple terms, there are a pair of “individually balanced vibrator engines, operating in harmony”.  The one touch does it all button was initially confusing, but once I figured it out, it’s really quite a benefit.  Side-to-side to increase intensity, up-and-down to change the location and pattern of intensity.

A fully-charged Iris is good to go for 7 hours and you don’t have to spend a fortune every week in batteries to use it.  It also has a one-year manufacturer’s warranty - they are a great product and the company is willing to back it up.  I’ve never had a Lelo product fail me, but for the investment, it’s nice to know that if it did, I’d have a new one in a week.  (It would be one rough week!)

I’ve used my Iris enough to know that it’s my good friend.  I have a nice selection of dildos and vibrators and other sex toys, so it’s worth noting that along with the G-twist, the Stubby G, The Cyberglass Felicity, and the Hitachi Magic Wand you’ll find my Iris.  It’s a toybox favorite of mine.

Now before you go toy shopping crazy, read this:  VibeReview.com is offering 10% off if you use this link.  Their Obama for President Coupon is good through election day and here’s what VibeReview.com has to say about it:

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The Obama for President Coupon is good for a 10% discount on your next purchase. Feel free to pass the coupon on to your friends. The more the merrier!

For more reviews, take a look at the Reviews page on BestSexBloggers.com.  A lot of my friends and colleagues also review products, not exclusively VibeReview.com products, but it’s a good place to get an honest opinion before you make a very special purchase.  Take a look.

So my latest item to show up in a box (and then show up in my "box") is none other than the We Vibe, which just won "Sex Toy of the Year." Now I'm not going to lie, when I first heard about it through word of mouth, I thought people were saying the "Wii-Vibe," and that it somehow plugged into that video game console, which would have been AWESOME. However, to clear things up for everyone, it does NOT do this.

You can get lots more info about the We-Vibe (and all the 3-D and regular pictures you could EVER want) on the We Vibe website. I definitely read through a lot of the literature on there before and after I tried the little purple pussy eater out.

When I first got this in the mail, it was actually a LOT smaller than I thought it was...which was both a relief, and a concern. A relief because the We Vibe is meant to be worn during penetration, and my first thought of hearing this was "wait, you want me to have something in my cunt WHILE I'm being fucked? Yeah, that's gonna happen." A concern because I liked the idea of being able to wear this around for the hell of it, and was worried that by itself, it wouldn't be enough.

Well, cut the talk. I opened the package, took out the toy, the charger (Yes, Virginia, it IS a rechargable toy, hurray!), and the sunglass case cum toy holder (that is the OED correct usage of the word cum, just FYI), and plugged the charger in. It took me a second to find the charger on the We Vibe - it's just a tiny hole in the silicone you force the jack through, that essentially closes back up when you take it out, therefore making the toy waterproof. I let it charge 24 hours...easy enough.

Then came the hard part; turning the bloody thing on. This little bugger was a complete enigma -- I could not for the life of me figure out how to turn it on. I was online, and K got quite the laugh at my expense as it took me over 30 minutes to figure out how to get it going. I finally headed over to the website, waded through a few pages about the G-spot, and found the "On" instructions. Vrooom. It worked. I felt both successful and inept at the same time.

Ok. Now that I had the skill set to work it, I inserted it, and turned it to low. It certainly fit over my clit better than any of the "internal and clitoral" vibes I've tried in the past, like the Snugglepuss. So far, so good. It felt lovely, vibes inside, and vibes on my clit. Nothing earth shattering, but I'd just begun.

I walked around a bit. They claimed it could be worn to work, etc, under the clothes. Now, I'll admit that it stayed in very well, but I couldn't wear it too my job. Maybe on a semi-crowded train, or to a nightclub, but it was too loud while walking around (it was quieter when I was sitting) for my office environment. It holds a two hour charge, so could definitely be fun for a night of dancing...I may try that out.

In the beginning, I had it on low. I liked it, but there was no way it was going to get me off. I went to my stock o' toys, and grabbed a glass dildo. Now, this toy is made of 100% medical grade silicone, which is awesome. However, this also means you can't use silicone lube with it. Which brought me to the question; can you be fucked with a silicone dildo while wearing the We Vibe?

I emailed the company, asking if I could use silicone bareback, or if I needed to stick a condom on it. Someone wrote back, telling me they didn't think it was an issue, and that one other person had been doing it, and had no issues yet, that they knew of. That said, I like Raquel very much, and am too afraid of fucking up my silicone toys by using them like this. Maybe if I get a partner who likes to fuck me, I'll try it with a condom on it, but for now, I'm going to stick to glass, steel, wood and ceramic.

So glass toy and water based lube (Pjur Aqua) in hand, I made my way back to bed. It was tight fit, but it definitely did fit, and it felt very nice. After trying various positions (face down grinding against a body pillow felt very nice), I fucked myself hard. And turned the We Vibe up to high. Nice. Not quite weapons grade, but it was a good amount of vibes. However, it just wasn't enough.

Fine. I decided to break out my favorite penetrative toy, the wooden Dual Use S Shape It was a MUCH tighter fit, and required a bit o' lube, but I got it in. It felt good, both toys pressed against my G-spot, th We Vibe vibing away. After a while though, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to climax from this, as worked up as I was. There just wasn't enough pressure, or strong enough vibes, or something.

Out came the cavalry (and by cavalry, I mean Hitachi). I pressed it on top of the clit section of the We Vibe, and within seconds, I was coming, and coming hard. I had just needed that little extra to push me over the edge.

Long story short: This is a really cool invention. It's a vibe you can wear out an about by itself, or one you can wear while getting fucked (by fingers, dildos, cocks, penises, etc). It wasn't *quite* powerful enough for me, although it did get me incredibly (almost frustratingly) worked up, hot and bothered. I'm planning on wearing it out dancing soon, and will let y'all know how well that works, and if I'm ever in the situation where I'm having intercourse of any sort, I'll give that a go, and update you.

Basically, I like it. A fairly good amount. It's not my new favorite toy, but it is a very cool reinvention of the wheel, and I'd like to hear what y'all think about it if you have one, or if you get one.

I'd give the We Vibe a good 4 stars out of 5. And my opinion is still open for change, depending on future play times with it.

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: couples toy, sex toys, vibrators

Take note! You can get a 10% discount on your order at Vibe Review if you shop through this link!

The first strap-on harness I ever bought was pink and sparkly. It also didn't fit very well. So, as pretty as it was, I knew I needed a new one. And I knew it had to be gorgeous and femme. I was so lucky to find the Corsette Harness.

The Corsette is a complete package. I was so impressed with the items that came with it in the box. First of all, it features a vibrator pocket and comes with a small bullet vibe complete with batteries. Second, because the Corsette is a lot like a piece of lingerie, it comes with garters to attach your prettiest stockings to. Finally, it is equipped with three different sizes of O-rings so no matter what sort of toy you choose to slide into it, it will work like a charm.

This harness comes in both black and purple and I chose the purple model. The fabric is a beautiful, rich velvet with a wonderful texture. It feels great against my skin and wonderful to the touch. I spent a long time in the mirror evaluating the shape of my ass and the way the straps cut against my curves. At the risk of sounding like a narcissist, I look hot in this thing and I was excited to try it out with a partner.

Actual use will thrusting is the test of any harness and The Corsette stood up like a champ. The straps on it go under the legs as well as around the waist and it can be tightened down and adjusted very intuitively using three different buckles. I find that I'm able to get into it and have it secure and ready to go in a matter of minutes.

I tried it out first with Jay and later the next week with Carmine. Both times I used the lovely Charmer and both times I had a ton of fun! The vibrator pocket lines up perfectly, the harness stayed secure no matter how serious the thrusting got and both gentlemen were enthusiastic about the performance.

Overall, I'm impressed with the look, feel, and performance of this harness. My old one never felt quite sturdy enough to really get down to business with and so I rarely used it. Now, I think I'll find many more occasions to strap one on and have some fun.

Take note! You can get a 10% discount on your order at Vibe Review if you shop through this link!

Technorati Tags: femme, femme cock, harness

As many of you may know, particularly from awesomeness like the Team Gina Butch/Femme Music Video, the history of the Butch identity is tied in with blue stars on the wrist.  Because of various reasons that prevented them from expressing their true identity, many Butches got blue stars tattooed on the inside of their wrists to show, in a slightly secret way, that they were queer, and identified as Butch.  Nowadays, many Butches I know and have met (and have oogled from across the room at the local dyke bar) are resurrecting this tradition, tattooing one or more blue stars upon their wrists and arms. I think this is hot, sexy, historical (which IS hot and sexy) and is awesome.

However, I think the Femmes are missing out.  As a Femme who almost always gets read as "a straight, alternative girl," I'm constantly looking for ways to out myself in conversation, so the cute Butches, bois, transmen, etc, realize that I'm queer and flirting, and just just straight and striking up conversation.  I have a glass rainbow pendant that I wear, I got to dyke bars, I slip my identity into conversations.  But why can't we Femmes have a symbol of our identity, a symbol that shows others (at least those in the know) a little about our identity.

I propose a spiral (a simple example is above).  There are many reasons; it's a basic concept, that can be changed and altered to fit the personality of each Femme getting it tattooed.  It's pretty (I *am* a Femme!). It's a simple concept, but also slightly complicated (more than a circle, or a triangle, or _____). Just like Femmes; we're a simple idea, but with a lot more depth and complicatedness behind our hottness.

I mentioned this on Sexuality Happens a while ago. I know several other Femmes that said they'd do this if I could get it off the ground.  So yeah. Who is in? Who would get a small spiral tattooed on their wrist to display and embrace their Femme identity?

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: blue stars, butch/femme, butches, femme, history, spiral tattoos, tattoos

Here is my first experience with packing.  I'll write up a shiny How To Pack as a Femme guide in the future, but this is just to whet your appetite.  Plus, I'm strapped on with a cock, and really does it get any better than that?

Enjoy!

-Essin' Em

Click To Play

Technorati Tags: cock, EdenFantasys, femme, packing, queer, sex toys

So, I've hopped on
the Babeland band wagon, and have decided to start reviewing for this awesome, sex-positive, queer friendly site. They were kind enough to send me my very own bottle of
Babeland Natural Organic Lube to give a trial run.

As many of you know, I love the lube. A lot. I use it for everything; solo sex, fingering, fucking, fixing squeeky wheels. You name it, I lube it (ok, I've never used my cats, but close enough). I was excited to check out this all natural, organic lube.

Now, the bottle was nice -- it was a pump bottle, which is awesome for when you're in the moment, and don't want to deal with either unscrewing caps, or else leaving the bottle open to spill all over your bed sheets. Surprisingly, the bottle was glass...which is both a positive and a negative. Positive because it's more environmentally friendly than plastic, negative because my cats are all about knocking over breakable things. Either way, it was very pretty.

So I started by reading the label. 100% natural, 99% vegan. I'm not sure where that 1% goes to, but know it's only 99% vegan.

Then I got a little confused when I was reading the ingredients...while they were all natural and organic items, they included vegetable glycerin and glucose, which are two things that cause yeast infections in some people. While they don't tend to be an issue for me (knock on wood), they are for lots of vagina owners, so I'm not sure why I found them in this lube.

I opened up the bottle, and gave it a good whiff. Um. Yeah. Not so much. It smelled not like the beauty of the rainforest, or the pine trees of the rockies. It smelled like...I don't even know...but nothing that I was excited to sniff. And it tasted even ickier.

With some hesitation, I put some on my fingers. It was thick, sticky, gooey. However, after rubbing my fingers together a bit, it dried out, or rubbed in relatively quickly. I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I lathered up my cunt with some of the lube, and proceeded to fuck myself, and get myself off with
the Hitachi Magic Wand. About half way through, I had to reapply. And then again. It was drying out, or soaking into my skin. Either way, I was pretty unimpressed.

To be honest, lube wise, I'd recommend
Eros Bodyglide (not for use with silicone toys) or Sliquid H20 (water-based, good for everything, 100% vegan). Neither has glycerin (but Aqua, by the same company as bodyglide, does. Keep this in mind). But, at the very least, this Naturals Organic Lube was still better than all my experiences with KY.

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: babeland, lube, natural, organic, sex toys

Photo by Michael Barone

I remember in college, I would never have even considered letting a guy pay for my meal, or tickets to a movie, or anything. I went dutch all the time, on the few actual dates that I went on. The only exception I made is if it was for a gay friend, for a birthday dinner (we also wound up dancing the Tango in the middle of the restaurant, and there wasn't a dance floor, so it was really just a weird night).

I don't know where I got the idea that it wasn't ok. I don't think anyone ever sat down and said "when men pay for your dinner, they are expecting something. When they're chivalrous and gentlemanly, they're disrespecting you, and feel that you're weak." However, this was the principle I was operating under.

I went to a hippie school, and everyone on campus just held the door for one another. I think that's how it should be; I'd never think to stop and wait for someone to open the door for me, that just seemed (and seems) silly to me. Then I had this one boyfriend, who told me that when I held the door open for him, I was emasculating him. I didn't have that boyfriend for very long.

The only form of chivalry that I can remember being ok with was when this guy I was seeing offered me the inside of the bed, because it was 6 feet in the air, and I am terrified of heights. I don't know whether it was fear that let me accept this gesture, or whether I actually was ok with it, but that was it. I never let guys bring me drinks at parties; I didn't know if I was going to be dosed. Not that anyone ever offered to buy me a drink while we were out, but had they, I would have declined. I didn't need anyone; I was a strong woman, fuck if I needed to take anything from anyone.

I'd read things in friends' magazines about what it meant if a guy didn't hold a door open for you, didn't walk on the street side of the sidewalk, didn't wait until you sat down. All I could think was "what bimbo would expect that from her partner? I guess, I mean, if you LIKE being objectified..." It seemed like some odd throwback to the middle ages. It is just polite to hold the door open for whoever is behind you (or whoever is holding more and heavier items).

And then I came out. I struggled with the idea of chivalry in the queer community. I mean, clearly, it wasn't male chauvinism in this case, but I still didn't know how I felt about it. A lot of this was also a struggle with the Femme identity; could I be a Femme who didn't care about getting dirty, a Femme that like dancing in the rain even if it ruined my hair, a Femme who could check her oil without fearing about breaking a nail? If I went back to this concept of letting people hold doors for me, and pull my chair out, and such, was I just falling back into the patriarchy?

When I was at Dinah 07, and was having some hot sex, I finally felt that it was ok. I don't know what clicked, whether it was something that was said, or just that it was actually happening to me in reality, but this person was holding doors for me, keeping her (now his?) hand on the small of my back as he guided me through large crowds, introducing me (rather than the other way around), offering to hold my coat, etc. All these things I had been so against, and suddenly, I was not only letting someone do them without getting a lecture on equality, but I was enjoying it.

Part of it was because I felt respected. I've never minded when my female friends held the door, or let me get in the car first, etc, because I've never felt disrespected by them. In high school and college, my guy friends would never have dreamt of holding the door, or placing their hand on my back, or paying for me, so it was never even an issue, although I did feel respected by them. And here I was, feeling respect (and a lot of lust), and suddenly, it was ok.

As I read Sinclair's writing more and more, I understand that chivalry comes from different places in different people. Sinclair's place seems to be one of respect and caring; I'd let Sinclair hold the door for me, and maybe even pay for my drinks (note: hell, I'd let Sinclair fuck me, so maybe this isn't exactly the best example). However, the other night at the bar (Roller Girl Karaoke), a very drunk dyke decided to buy all the women drinks. And then came over, and started a conversation with me, and two other ladies. She was not coming from a place of respect. This could be told by her suddenly touching me without asking, talking down to me, and constantly referring back to having bought the drinks. My angry inner feminist raised her head, and wanted to lecture her on the objectification of women. I didn't; rather, I went up and sang Sweet Transvestite instead.

The same night, I was getting out of my car at the meter, while on the phone with a friend. As I began to open my door, I felt it being pulled from the outside. When I looked up, a middle age man was opening it for me. I went into fight (no option for flight mode), telling my friend that something was about to go down. Still on the phone, I cautiously got out as the man opened my door. "Little lady, you look like you need a little help. Let me get this for you." Excuse me? I look like I need help why? Because I'm in a handicapped space, or because my breasts are falling out of my dress? Once I stood up, he put his hand on my back, and he and his friends (oh yes, did I mention there was a group of 3 or 4 drunken middle aged men?) told me I looked very pretty, and asked me if I need them to walk me anywhere. Firstly, if I did need to be walked somewhere, it would be with someone I trusted, and to protect me from people like you, but ok. And secondly, get your hand off me. Did I tell you that you could touch me? Didn't think so. Kindly remove it before I poke you in the eye with Mr.Right, who just so happens to be chilling underneath my dress. My friend was concerned; "Em, you ok?" I told him I was fine, just dealing with some drunken old men. He got more concerned "Jesus, they just follow you, don't they. Just remember, if you punch them, I'm in a different state and can't bail you out of jail." I locked my car, shut the door, and started putting money in the meter, avoiding them completely. They finally wandered off.

I'm sure they thought they were being gentlemanly. I thought they were being annoying, patronizing assholes. Who is right? I don't know. Maybe if I'd been brought up in a different culture, I'd find it flattering. I didn't. I thought it was rude and creepy.

So I haven't changed completely. Holding doors for me doesn't really bother me, as I feel you should just hold the door; it's bloody polite. And sometimes chivalry still really bothers me; I feel it doesn't come from a place of respect, and I'm right back in college, mentally ranting against the misogyny. And still other times, I like it a lot. I never expect it, but from the right people, it makes me feel like more of a Femme, that I'm treated differently. These are people that I trust, and feel that we have mutual respect.

One day, I was leaving a friend's apartment (albeit with ice cubes down my bra). He is a hot, FTM, who I lusted after for a month or two, and did a hot piercing and semi-fisting scene in NYC.  I gave him a hug, and headed out the door to say goodbye. He told me he was going to walk me downstairs. Off the cuff, I said "well, aren't you quite the chivalrous gentleman." He told me that he wasn't always like that, that I brought it out in him. I responded something about clearly, I was a success as a Femme, and went on my merry way.

On my drive home, I was trying to figure out how I actually felt about him saying that. Had someone said that to me a few years ago, I would probably have been really upset, asked them what it was about me that seemed weak and helpless, and then done my best to remedy the situation. However, that isn't the case anymore. I don't think chivalry is this horrible thing in all cases. When my ex held the door for me, or this guy walked me down the stairs, or the person at Dinah confidently lead me through the crowd, I felt hot and powerful and respected and feminine and like a self-satisfied Femme. I'm usually a fan of "if feels right, and doesn't hurt anyone, it's fine." However, I still wonder, am I hurting people by subscribing to misogyny, as I enjoy having people be chivalrous towards me?

I'll probably never figure this one out, but at least I'm not in a "hate everyone and die phase." Hell, I even let my current object of affection pay for dinner on our first date

-Essin' Em

Technorati Tags: butch/femme, chivalry, femme, gender, queer, real life, thoughts

If you asked me 2 years ago if I identified as a Femme, I would have said "no way...I'm not a Femme!"  This was mostly because I classified Femme as the same as feminine...although they are, in actuality, two very different things.  

It seems to me (now) that femininity is a social construction of what it means to be "good" at being a "good" female in our society.  Being feminine can involve anything from wearing high heels to the proper make up, to the right outfits to fill in the blank.  This post is not whether or not this is a good construction; it just is.  That is femininity, and I am not a very good example of it. Most mornings I wake up 20 or 25 minutes before I'm out the door, and that includes peeing, feeding the kitties, putting on clothes, eating something, etc.  I don't have time to look perfectly coiffed.  I don't know what is in fashion, I just found out what Coach and Burberry are, etc. I am not society's definition of very feminine; I even am allergic to pink.

But I do identify as Femme.  This identity started coming into being at the Dinah Shore Weekend 2007, when I was probably in the top 5% of the most feminine people at the event.  This is not to say that the event was filled with butch women; there just were not that many feminine women, so when I got dressed up for the parties, I was more feminine (in a social context) than most of the people there, re-defining my idea of what "feminine" was. Also, I spent most of my free time with a butch lesbian (who now identifies as a transman), and let me tell you, that's when my Femme mentality kicked on. 

Holy crap; knowing that I could use my "femme wiles" (different then feminine wiles) to influence someone is such a power trip.  Just the way I said things seemed to get this person hot, and they didn't mind that it took me slightly longer to get gussied up.  They thought it was adorable that I was cold because I was wearing a short skirt and fishnets, and that I was tispy and horny after two drinks.  I didn't feel like any less of a feminist when they offered me their arm as I tottered around the edge of a the hotel pond in heels or as they held the door open for me.  When I sat in their lap as I purposely showed off my cleavage (hey, I wanted to get some), I felt in complete control of the situation, in the same way that I feel subs are in control of dom/sub situations.  I LOVE that feeling.  I felt like I could be appreciated for my feisty, yet slightly delicate side.  I goaded "my" butch into pinning me up against the wall, and even though I was the one getting fucked, again, I felt like I was in control.

I love being a femme because I feel like it's partially an identity I can turn on and turn up.  I can "just" be me, or I can vamp up the femme if I want to.  Sometimes I'll have someone come over, and I'll be in sweatpants and a tank top and we'll just go to a diner, or cook dinner together.  Sometimes I'll have someone over, and I'm in stockings and a gartbelt, a 50's style halter top dress, heels, and I have done my hair and am ready to go. I feel that as a Femme (not a feminine woman, but a Femme; again, please note the difference), I can be a feminist, still have control of my sexuality and the situation, and use my wiles to have the upper hand. I like wowing my partner.  I love watching their jaw drop and having pre-date sex because I just made them so hot we just can't wait until after dinner.

This is not to say that I'm always the one being pushed against the wall. I can tie my partners up too (although that is usually more of a laughing matter).  I like that my partners can usually cook as well; I'm good for more than just sex and being in the kitchen.  I don't NEED someone else to help me take care of my car, to open doors for me, etc.  But it's nice.  Sometimes it's nice to have someone help me put together my IKEA furniture (I'm a starving post-grad student, what do you want?) while I cook or do the dishes.  And sometimes I'll do the screwing (of the wood...pieces...come on people!) while my partner tidies up the kitchen.  I don't have to fall into stereotypical roles.  It's just nice to have that va-va-voom factor I can turn on, and have someone to pin me against the wall, and to kiss me while their hands are wrapped in my hair.  

There is such a difference, in my opinion, between being feminine and a Femme.  I'll never own stilletos or a pink dress...it's just not going to happen.  Ever.  But I will proudly call myself a Femme.  Just not 24-7.  Most of the time, yes...and that's the wonderful thing about it.  I don't have to be anything all the time, and sometimes I'm more of this, and less of that.  Right now, I'm wishing I had someone that brought out the Femme in me. I'd get all gussied up and show everyone what they're missing.  Because there are few things hotter than a feisty Femme...other than a chivalrous Butch

Essin' Em

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