You are so brave to write this post. I've had many conversations with other fat femmes lately about struggling with a desire to lose weight while also participating in body-positive, fat-activist spaces. I know that personally, I struggle with feeling like a traitor to the cause of positive body-image, or like I must be some kind of fraud when it comes to loving myself and my fat body. But the thing is, in my heart of hearts, I know that I DO love my body exactly as it is. And at the same time, I DO want to change it. I think we're set up to believe that those values must be mutually exclusive, and maybe sometimes they are, but they don't have to be. And they're not for all of us.

One thing a friend of mine said about her own fear of losing weight was with regards to adjusting into the thinner culture. She said, "When I walk into a room of fat girls, I know I'm the prettiest one there. I've WON this division. But what happens when I lose all this weight? That's a much larger group of contenders, and I don't know the rules of that game because it's not one I've ever played." And I think she's got a point. I hadn't ever really thought of that before, but now it's a nagging feeling of fear in the back of my mind, too.

I think you can ABSOLUTELY still be fat/size/body-positive if you're an ex-fattie. I think it's hard for a movement to gain traction and accomplish change without support, love, and encouragement from those outside of it. I can see how it would be hard for some fat people to hear you use the word "fat" without you qualifying and explaining your personal history over and over each time, which can get exhausting and cumbersome. At the same time, I'm on the "reclaim our words!" bandwagon, and really want "fat" to fall into the same group as it finally seems that "queer" has. I think it all depends on context; a straight person referring to "those queers," sounds a lot different than the same person referring to "the queer community." Same word, totally different vibe. I'm not sure what the corollary for "fat" would be, though.

Anyway, interesting thoughts. THANK YOU for sharing.