If you asked me 2 years ago if I identified as a Femme, I would have said "no way...I'm not a Femme!" This was mostly because I classified Femme as the same as feminine...although they are, in actuality, two very different things.
It seems to me (now) that femininity is a social construction of what it means to be "good" at being a "good" female in our society. Being feminine can involve anything from wearing high heels to the proper make up, to the right outfits to fill in the blank. This post is not whether or not this is a good construction; it just is. That is femininity, and I am not a very good example of it. Most mornings I wake up 20 or 25 minutes before I'm out the door, and that includes peeing, feeding the kitties, putting on clothes, eating something, etc. I don't have time to look perfectly coiffed. I don't know what is in fashion, I just found out what Coach and Burberry are, etc. I am not society's definition of very feminine; I even am allergic to pink.
But I do identify as Femme. This identity started coming into being at the Dinah Shore Weekend 2007, when I was probably in the top 5% of the most feminine people at the event. This is not to say that the event was filled with butch women; there just were not that many feminine women, so when I got dressed up for the parties, I was more feminine (in a social context) than most of the people there, re-defining my idea of what "feminine" was. Also, I spent most of my free time with a butch lesbian (who now identifies as a transman), and let me tell you, that's when my Femme mentality kicked on.
Holy crap; knowing that I could use my "femme wiles" (different then feminine wiles) to influence someone is such a power trip. Just the way I said things seemed to get this person hot, and they didn't mind that it took me slightly longer to get gussied up. They thought it was adorable that I was cold because I was wearing a short skirt and fishnets, and that I was tispy and horny after two drinks. I didn't feel like any less of a feminist when they offered me their arm as I tottered around the edge of a the hotel pond in heels or as they held the door open for me. When I sat in their lap as I purposely showed off my cleavage (hey, I wanted to get some), I felt in complete control of the situation, in the same way that I feel subs are in control of dom/sub situations. I LOVE that feeling. I felt like I could be appreciated for my feisty, yet slightly delicate side. I goaded "my" butch into pinning me up against the wall, and even though I was the one getting fucked, again, I felt like I was in control.
I love being a femme because I feel like it's partially an identity I can turn on and turn up. I can "just" be me, or I can vamp up the femme if I want to. Sometimes I'll have someone come over, and I'll be in sweatpants and a tank top and we'll just go to a diner, or cook dinner together. Sometimes I'll have someone over, and I'm in stockings and a gartbelt, a 50's style halter top dress, heels, and I have done my hair and am ready to go. I feel that as a Femme (not a feminine woman, but a Femme; again, please note the difference), I can be a feminist, still have control of my sexuality and the situation, and use my wiles to have the upper hand. I like wowing my partner. I love watching their jaw drop and having pre-date sex because I just made them so hot we just can't wait until after dinner.
This is not to say that I'm always the one being pushed against the wall. I can tie my partners up too (although that is usually more of a laughing matter). I like that my partners can usually cook as well; I'm good for more than just sex and being in the kitchen. I don't NEED someone else to help me take care of my car, to open doors for me, etc. But it's nice. Sometimes it's nice to have someone help me put together my IKEA furniture (I'm a starving post-grad student, what do you want?) while I cook or do the dishes. And sometimes I'll do the screwing (of the wood...pieces...come on people!) while my partner tidies up the kitchen. I don't have to fall into stereotypical roles. It's just nice to have that va-va-voom factor I can turn on, and have someone to pin me against the wall, and to kiss me while their hands are wrapped in my hair.
There is such a difference, in my opinion, between being feminine and a Femme. I'll never own stilletos or a pink dress...it's just not going to happen. Ever. But I will proudly call myself a Femme. Just not 24-7. Most of the time, yes...and that's the wonderful thing about it. I don't have to be anything all the time, and sometimes I'm more of this, and less of that. Right now, I'm wishing I had someone that brought out the Femme in me. I'd get all gussied up and show everyone what they're missing. Because there are few things hotter than a feisty Femme...other than a chivalrous Butch 
Latest posts by essinem
- Inspiration - August 24th, 2010
- Defining Femme - June 17th, 2010
- Polyamory 101/Relationship Mapping Class - Denver, CO - February 15th, 2009
- The Femme Spiral...in real life - February 10th, 2009
- A study on ethnography and dykes - February 6th, 2009
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